Saturday, January 7, 2012

How To: Have The Worst Night Ever

We've all had that night: your friends all turn into assholes, your lose something* and you drink entirely too much. God has granted us the serenity to know that we cannot change this, so accept it. Shitty nights happen, and they will continue to happen. Instead of fighting it, we here at Logic prefer remain one step ahead of fate. Why not take control of the situation and plan your worst night ever? What better than to turn it into a challenge** or a game***?

*wallet, phone, virginity, dignity, etc.
**for all the other competetive assholes like ourselves.
***for the other perpetual children who won't do anything unless it's for fun.

Our Logic scavenger games are a lot like life. The goal is to win (and, of course, cheating is always acceptable if you get away with it)

A night full of bad decisions starts with just one. In this case, it's the people you surround yourself with. If you hang out with....

+1 Drunk crying girl.
+1 Repressed homosexual who wants to fight.
+1 An ex that you still have feelings for/that still has feeling for you.*
-1 Designated driver.
-1 A caring, supportive friend.
-1 Anyone you actually like.

*These points do not count if you both still have feelings for each other. You guys are both sluts.

At this point it's time to starting drinking but all alcohol is not created equally.

+1 Whiskey and/or Tequila
+1 Four Loko
+1 Every time to you switch to a different alcohol
-1 Each glass of water*
-1 Anything that does not cause you to blackout before midnight.
-1 Every drink you have if the total at the end of the night is less than 7**.

 *This includes before you went out. The goal here is to be dehydrated as fuck. Preferably, all you've eaten all day is a red bull and some doritos.
**Because it's wasteful and irresponsible to drink without the intention of forgetting. Trust us, if it's the worst night ever, you're going to want to forget.

Now that you are drunk with a bunch of assholes*, where do you go next?

*You better also be acting like an asshole.

+2 Just go. Anywhere. Who cares or knows where. These points are not applicable if you know where you are going.
+1 Going to a packed place where you know no one and have no way of getting home
+1 An after hours party with less than 3 people. (Example: 3 sketchy Russians in hoodies you met on Hollywood Blvd with a bottle of gin.)
+1 Going home with someone disgusting looking. (+2 if you have good sex.)
-1 Going home.
-1 Going to an awesome party.
-1 Going home with someone incredible looking. (-2 if you have good sex.)

 It is impossible for you night to be as bad as it can be without a little recreational drug use.

+1 Acid. (+2 if you've never tried it)
+1 Every line of coke you do after the sun comes up. (If you use NyQuil to fall asleep as a result, these points are no longer valid.)
+1 Any combination of drugs that cost you more than 50% of your current checking account balance. (+2 for overdrafting your account to buy drugs)
-1 Every drug that's there that you don't do. (-2 if the drugs are directly offered to you. -3 if they're free.)
-1 Taking a tylenol before going to sleep.
-1 For having a really great high.

All good things must come to end and now it is time to go home. This is a perfect opportunity to go home with a stranger because you are too lazy to try to figure out home to get home.

+1 Walking (+2 for walking barefoot.)
+1 Taking the bus. (+2 if you have ask for money to take the bus.)
+1 Attempting to drive home drunk and getting a DUI. (-2 if you don't get caught. +2 for getting caught driving drunk because you crashed into something. +1 for each one thousand dollars worth of property damage you cause.)
-1 Taking a cab*. 
-1 Getting home before 3 am.
-1 Getting home at all.

*Note: Cab rides can easily turn into positive points. +1 for taking a cab but not having enough money or losing your phone, wallet, or keys. +1 for everything you leave in the cab. +2 if you left behind personal belongings after not paying for the cab ride.

And, finally, no horrible night is complete without a horrible morning after.
+2 Only throwing up bile.
+1 Waking up to realize you've wet the bed. (+2 If you're not sleeping alone.)
+1 Waking up with a new tattoo.
-1 Throwing up.
-1 Being hungover to the point that you stay in bed until 5.
-1 Being afraid to check your bank account balance.

You've finally reached your goal. Blood, tears, drinks and drugs have been spilled. You might even have a new a STD (+1). Now you that you've gotten that out of the way, you can rest assured that you will never have a night as bad this one (and start looking to the future, to your upcoming court date.) You just had the worst night ever. Congratulations.

Friday, December 30, 2011

Suck It 2011

Logic According To Us is all about big goals and bigger results. In 2011, we were particularly amazing at the "big goals" aspect but not so much at the results. We promised the world and delivered next to nothing. 2011 was a shit year. Rest assured though, we absolutely let ourselves down more than anyone else. If you were a massive failure too, you're not alone. It's not just us though, 2011's collective unconscious gave us three Kardashian spin-offs and the Adam Sandler movie Jack and Jill. However, unlike most of society, who has tricked themselves into thinking a new year means a new beginning, we've decided to dwell on the past. By reviewing things we failed at (and you probably did too) we'll at least start 2012 knowing what to expect. Here's a few of our glaring personal failures.

Jordan failed wildly at living alone. This failure has been a long time coming. Everyone around him has always known that the place he most belongs is living in his parent's Denver Broncos-themed basement and binge drinking on the weekends. After six years of trying to act like an adult, he's where the world wants him, in his parent's Denver Broncos-themed basement and spending half his paycheck on whiskey.

Lauren failed wildy at Vegas. Everyone always thinks Vegas is going to be the most bitchin' weekend of the year until you're her. You'll get lost for four days, beaten by the cops, jailed, hospitalized, hospitalized again and, on top of it all, have literally all your belongings stolen by a cab driver, including a winning a lottery ticket. What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas and by that, we mean all her clothes.

We both failed wildly at getting into shape. 99% of our society wants to be hotter in December than they were in January. We are not exceptions to this rule. We ARE the 99%. 99% of the 99% fail and fail hard. Don't be too proud of yourself if you're that one asshole that looks amazing now. None of us are quite sure if we want to kill you or fuck you*. The motivation to work out gets the shit kicked out of it by the motivation to binge drink, sleep in and smoke pot on the couch while watching Most Eligible: Dallas**. Your self esteem definitely took a few punches too*** and before you know it, you'll be dressing like you're trying to hide a teen pregnancy. The one thing we must all remember though, is how much fun it is to eye-fuck all the assholes at the gym.

*Wouldn't it be great if we could literally fuck someone to death?
**And also, Doritos. They're fucking delicious and they can go fuck themsleves.
*** And maybe even got part of its ear bitten off.

We both failed wildly at not drinking, especially tequila. Do you remember how much Evidence Against Tequila we've compiled? Wouldn't you think, of all people, we would have learned? Yeah, neither did we. Just this week Jordan spent almost 24 hours in bed thanks to Tequila. Lauren blacked out while hosting a party. She even tried to quit drinking and smoking pot all together*; that lasted about 25 days, as her clear mind was a startling reminder of why she started drinking and smoking pot in the first place.

**It's not alcoholism, its just being an idiot. There is no cure.

We both failed wildly at quitting smoking. Everyone smoker wants to quit smoking for some reason they don't quite understand. Sure, we all "know" it will kill us eventually but that doesn't mean we are ready to quit now. We've all tried it though and we've all failed. You smoke, get over it, stop being a pussy.

We both failed wildly at finding a job we don't hate. We all remember Lauren valiantly quitting Fred Segal only to find herself working at the gnarliest 24 hour cafe in downtown L.A. We both thought we hit the jackpot with jobs at a weed store or with a boss who admittedly didn't care that you dicked around 60% of the time. We've come realize that the problem isn't the job in particular though, it's a job in general. Leave it Lauren to work at the one weed store with a boss that is such a fucking perv, he makes even her uncomfortable.

Last and clearly not least*, we failed wildly at maintaing this blog for our loyal readers. It was, without a doubt, our most public failure. It was seen on all 7 continents and we lost our Hungarian fanbase completely. We wanted to bang out an article every few days, and we were, until we realized it was something we actually enjoyed and subconciously cut it out of our lives immediately, as per usual.

*But maybe, really the least.

There's always a silver lining, however, and as you are well aware, we're all about the positive spin on things. We can take solace in the fact that we are great at failure. We're clearly all about failure. We ARE failure. Up until now, we've succeeded wildly at failing. From here on out though, we can only hope to fail at failure. We wish you a year full of failed failures and accidental success. Just in case though, suck it 2012!

Friday, May 27, 2011

Memorial Day Weekend: A Memorial

Memorial Day is rapidly approaching. We hope you've been starving yourself, subjecting yourself to skin cancer (or getting gross spray tans) and killing yourself at the gym just so you can feel sort of comfortable in your bathing suit this summer! Awesome! It's pool season! We love holidays and make a point of celebrating them all* We don't know about you, but we have absolutely no idea what the fuck "Memorial Day" is even for. We don't like not knowing. We do, however, love celebrating. So, in honor of this 2011 Memorial Day, here is a short, to-the-point list of things we'll miss over Summer '11.

*Lauren still has Stars of David hanging from her ceiling** from Channukkah (or however the fuck your spell it)

**Law of attraction-ing Jews, anyone?

Oprah - To be clear, we do not miss Oprah. Not at all. We do miss hating Oprah. Every weekday for the last 25 years, people around the globe have had an excuse to allow themselves to be completely engulfed in hatred for a solid afternoon hour. No other television show throughout time has made you appreciate the quality of commercials and we doubt another show ever will.***

***Except maybe anything with the Kardashians

Winter - If you haven't noticed, we love to bitch... and we love doing things that we love. The more reason we have to complain, the more we talk, the happier we are. With the weather so perfect right now, we'll just be sitting outside, getting a tan with a cocktail in our hand with nothing to complain about*****. How. Fucking. Boring. After we finish relaxing poolside, there will be nothing to do but frantically search for things to whine about and we really hate searching for things. The only thing left to complain about is the fact that we have nothing to complain about and we hate being redundant.

*****Maybe we should take up watching the Kardashians
Bin Laden - Don't get us wrong, we're glad he's dead. The thing is, we are really going to miss knowing that our country is as bad at finding things as we are. We suddenly feel much worse about misplacing our cell phones on an hourly basis. Our motto: When life gives you lemons, smoke weed and lose them. America's motto: When Afghanistan gives you lemons, bomb Iraq and deny the existence of lemons.

The Rapture - There was absolutely no way for things to go wrong if the Rapture happened. Either we go to Heaven and prove all those religious types wrong once and for all or we get to stay on Earth for a blow-out party until the world ends. Sure, demons would have been chewing off our faces but that doesn't matter so much when you've done so much blow you can't feel your face. Also, we were kind of excited to not have to hear anymore Christian radio.

Manly Men - Nowadays, even the manliest of men start their day by drinking a fucking shake they've made in the kitchen with a blender. Back in the day, manly men hunted and killed wild beasts by hand to get their protein. To top it all off, they did it without a drop of gel in their hair. However, who are we to say that cavemen had six packs? Because at the end of the day, we will never forget that it's what's on the outside that counts. Like an endangered species, manly men will not be able to flourish until, as a world united, everyone agrees to stop making/wearing/selling/buying any tight t-shirts bedazzled with rhinestones.

Yes, the fact that most of these things are gone is a great thing. With so many terrible things gone though, the curve has been altered. Now whats good isn't as good anymore. Don't get too down on yourself though, we're leaving you with a quick list of things to remind you how good life really is.

Maria Shriver just found out that The Governator has a 10 YEAR OLD LOVE CHILD. Suddenly, it really doesn't seem like a big deal that you're boyfiend of 2 months cheated on you.

Kim Kardashian is getting married. No matter what happens in life, you can always change the channel when "Kim and Kris" comes on.

A parade of idiocy is making a move for the Republican Presidential Nomination. We have another year and a half to watch them be morons without a moment of concern that one of them might actually win.

So, here we are, ringing in the Summer of 2011 with a smile, memorializing the atrocities of the past, cracking a cold beverage and cheers-ing to the less-bad goodness to come.

Also, a friendly reminder to do yourself a favor: don't wear a bathing suit if you don't look good in a bathing suit.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Daily Bible Translations for Jesus' Children: Integrity

Not that we have much to show for ourselves but we absolutely have integrity in our bitching.

You shall not steal. – Exodus 20:15

You shall not steal. - If it's on twitter and you didn't think of it, use quotation marks. In any other situation in life (twitter is the only place where virtue matters, right?) don't get caught.

Previous Bible Translations for Jesus' Children
3/24/2011 - Crash Dieting
3/19/2011 - Nightclubs and Bounces
3/18/2011 - Homelessness and Inheritance
3/17/2011 - Kanye West and Winos
3/16/2011 - Drug Dealers
3/15/2011 - The Police

Monday, April 4, 2011

How to: Outwit the Law

It's been a crazy week for us so, we've brought you something just as good as us. Here we have our first guest post. You can find this lady on Twitter, @Fellatia. Here she is with a gun...

Are you tired of the law looming over your shoulder like the prostitute that you forgot to pay, a nagging ex-lover, or the one night stand that had you rushing to the ER? By reading this tutorial your mind will be put at ease as you will have the confidence to face any likely encounter with the law. Follow along and you will be skipping down the court corridors in no time.

In the instance that you get pulled over, your best approach is to make the officer feel as though you are inherently unorganized. These simple gestures will help you evade the law step by step.

1. Prior to the officer approaching the window be sure that there is an insurmountable amount of paper, shoes, underwear, and cigarette cartons. This added chaos will be your saving grace.

2. Always have "ethnic tunes" readily available (Russian and or Arabic usually do the trick). The last thing the officer wants is to be labeled as a racist.

3. When asked for "license, registration and insurance", respond with "what does that look like". This makes the officer feel as though he is dealing with someone mentally inferior and adds a boost to his arbitrary ego.

4. Be as loud as possible when rummaging through your man-made mayhem. At this point the officer is getting impatient. Remember you are trying to inconvenience him as much as he is inconveniencing you.

5. If these four objectives have left you confused, don't fret, there is always opportunity for an immediate, simple rebuttal. Nothing screams louder than "I am broke and unemployed".


1. If you have a plethora of illegal substances, DO NOT GET RID OF IT. The last thing you want is for your hard earned "confidence enhancer" to become dust in the wind. Be kind to nature. It's fucking courtesy.

2. When the officer returns with your personal effects, like the rest of your things, toss it in a pile without a second thought. Bonus points if the officer is a witness to this outlandish behavior.

3. Paint them a vivid picture of "the haves and the have-nots". So what if you make 100K annually, be clear you are a have-not. We all know law enforcement was not genetically engineered for such intelligence; use this to your advantage.

From the highway to the courtroom our journey continues. We all have had traffic citations, parking tickets, and petty misdemeanors. In times like these, who has time for court appearances? Lawyers? Community service? You have more important things to be doing like enjoying free "bl**" from your favorite street pharmacist and/or being on the clock and not actually working.

1. When going into court for a suspended license be sure that you drive yourself, insist that you were not aware of this preposterous crime, and reiterate that you have been using public transportation since the incident in question. Furthermore allow for this orchestra to continue and leave the same way you came in (consistency is key).

2. Let's revisit this idea of inconvenience, be sure to reschedule your court date numerous times. This prolongs the process, confuses the officer and ultimately results in its’ dismissal.

3. What to do in the event of a fender bender/hit and run?
a. Be an honest Abe and leave a blank note underneath the windshield wiper. This lessens the tension that may have blossomed by the 20+ spectators and makes you look like a hero.
b. If you don't have a pen and paper, make the rational decision and drive away.

4. In the event of receiving community service as your court ordered punishment, here are a few things to keep in mind:
a. Know your surroundings and get to know your superiors. For example, offering to clean before it is suggested equates to you not lifting a damn finger.
b. If you are attractive and your dashing good looks didn't save you in the courtroom, they now come into play and will guarantee your lack of service to the community.

Well gentlemen and gentle ladies, I hope you found this lesson insightful and useful. You should now be able to venture behind the wheel (drunk or sober*) with the vivacious confidence of a white line. Life is a carnival; treat it as one.

*Seriously though, don't drive drunk. Jail and breathalyzers are a HUGE inconvenience.

Monday, March 28, 2011

The When, What and Why of Booze

Many of us like to drink but many of us like to get shit done too. Instead of being responsible and just not drinking until you don't have things to do, just make sure you are aligning what you are drinking with your goals. In case you don't know how to do that, we've simplified it for you.

Whiskey - This is the perfect drink for when you want to start shit. Maybe you need to confront your roommate who's lazy ass hasn't contributed to the water bill in 4 months (despite the fact that they take 4 hour long showers) or perhaps you're in a relationship that has more than run its course but your sober ass simply doesn't have the balls to dump them. You can also drink whiskey when you are hanging out with someone who is hot but has a terrible personality and all you really want is to sleep with them. This is the ideal drink when you need a little "liquid courage."

Cheap beer - Despite cheap beer's terrible image, it is, in many cases, a stellar choice. In these hard economic times, many of us are on a budget. Another symptom of these hard economic times is that many of us drink a bit too damn much. If you simply can't trust yourself to take A FEW shots to get your buzz on, get some cheap beer. It gets you just as drunk as regular beer but, obviously, its much less expensive, and it takes slightly longer to drink than shots. Also, its ideal if you want to feel like you are camping, or you're a hipster, or you've always wanted to be a lumberjack. Its also great when you want to relive being 16. If you are a camping, hipster, 16 year old lumberjack, you are not allowed to drink anything but cheap beer.

Nice beer - Some of us like to hide the fact that we're drunks. I don't blame you, crazy, blacked-out drunk people are IDIOTS. Nice beer is wonderful when you want to be able to go out and be social while still getting wasted on the down low. If you aren't to be trusted drinking "real alcohol," this is an awesome choice. You will seem super classy and approachable instead of seeming like the slobbering, stumbling, drunken idiot you really are.

Wine - Every once in a while, all of us want to feel like we have an exceptional tolerance. Wine is a fantastic option on these days. Despite the fact that we all know saying "I drank a WHOLE bottle of wine" isn't that hardcore, it's always cool to say. It's also nice to have your buzz sneak up on you, a sudden realization of all your hard work (drinking) is always fun. Why let your drinking hit you slowly throughout the night when you can (mid-sentence) realize how truly fucked up you are. Be forewarned though, there is no regret greater than the regret you experience during a wine induced hangover "How To: Make the Most of Your Hangover"

Tequila - Obviously, Tequila is the unofficial drink of spring break and Cinco de Mayo but there are other times to drink it. The best time to drink tequila is when you are completely over giving a fuck. No one's opinion will matter after a few shots (not that it should anyway.) Tequila is a great drink if you are looking to get laid. Please understand that risks of drinking tequila though "Evidence Against Tequila"

Vodka - Vodka is a very popular drink with the younger crowd. Its not advisable to drink it on a regular basis after you 23rd birthday but that doesn't mean you can't drink it from time to time. Save it for the nights when you dumbass starts feeling like 24 years old is old. You can also indulge in vodka when you are pussing out about the actual taste of alcohol. Drink away. Sometimes, your only concern is getting drunk and you don't care who knows it and that is another perfect oppurtunity to drink vodka.

Gin - Let's be clear, gin is disgusting. Certain situations call for drinking gin though. Things happen and sometimes you are too lazy or broke or too lazy and broke to go buy something besides gin. You probably still have gin laying around from that one time you decided to buy a bottle of gin just to try it. Drink it now.

Cognac - Even as super white kids, we like to feel gangster from time to time. This is when you drink cognac. The only inclination that you aren't actually a gangster is the fact that you can still afford to buy things like cognac.

Think of how productive you're about to become. Remember though, too much of a good thing turns into vomiting, headaches and vowing to never drink again. Since you don't want any of those things to happen, drink "responsibly".

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Bible Translations For Jesus' Children: Crash Dieting

Losing weight is hard, it's even worse without god on your side. Obviously, We encourage you to eat healthy and workout but that doesn't mean we haven't tried things like the master cleanse and apple diet...

“Even now,” declares the LORD, “return to me with all your heart, with fasting and weeping and mourning.” – Joel 2:12 (NIV)

"Even now," declared the LORD: Even now, says your mind
"return to me: ignore what your body needs
with all your heart,: with all your determination
with fasting.: stay on your crash diet
and weeping: and get over it, fatass
and mourning.": because nothing tastes as good as "Skinny"

Previous Bible Translations for Jesus' Children
3/19/2011 - Nightclubs and Bounces
3/18/2011 - Homelessness and Inheritance
3/17/2011 - Kanye West and Winos
3/16/2011 - Drug Dealers
3/15/2011 - The Police