Friday, December 30, 2011

Suck It 2011

Logic According To Us is all about big goals and bigger results. In 2011, we were particularly amazing at the "big goals" aspect but not so much at the results. We promised the world and delivered next to nothing. 2011 was a shit year. Rest assured though, we absolutely let ourselves down more than anyone else. If you were a massive failure too, you're not alone. It's not just us though, 2011's collective unconscious gave us three Kardashian spin-offs and the Adam Sandler movie Jack and Jill. However, unlike most of society, who has tricked themselves into thinking a new year means a new beginning, we've decided to dwell on the past. By reviewing things we failed at (and you probably did too) we'll at least start 2012 knowing what to expect. Here's a few of our glaring personal failures.

Jordan failed wildly at living alone. This failure has been a long time coming. Everyone around him has always known that the place he most belongs is living in his parent's Denver Broncos-themed basement and binge drinking on the weekends. After six years of trying to act like an adult, he's where the world wants him, in his parent's Denver Broncos-themed basement and spending half his paycheck on whiskey.

Lauren failed wildy at Vegas. Everyone always thinks Vegas is going to be the most bitchin' weekend of the year until you're her. You'll get lost for four days, beaten by the cops, jailed, hospitalized, hospitalized again and, on top of it all, have literally all your belongings stolen by a cab driver, including a winning a lottery ticket. What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas and by that, we mean all her clothes.

We both failed wildly at getting into shape. 99% of our society wants to be hotter in December than they were in January. We are not exceptions to this rule. We ARE the 99%. 99% of the 99% fail and fail hard. Don't be too proud of yourself if you're that one asshole that looks amazing now. None of us are quite sure if we want to kill you or fuck you*. The motivation to work out gets the shit kicked out of it by the motivation to binge drink, sleep in and smoke pot on the couch while watching Most Eligible: Dallas**. Your self esteem definitely took a few punches too*** and before you know it, you'll be dressing like you're trying to hide a teen pregnancy. The one thing we must all remember though, is how much fun it is to eye-fuck all the assholes at the gym.

*Wouldn't it be great if we could literally fuck someone to death?
**And also, Doritos. They're fucking delicious and they can go fuck themsleves.
*** And maybe even got part of its ear bitten off.

We both failed wildly at not drinking, especially tequila. Do you remember how much Evidence Against Tequila we've compiled? Wouldn't you think, of all people, we would have learned? Yeah, neither did we. Just this week Jordan spent almost 24 hours in bed thanks to Tequila. Lauren blacked out while hosting a party. She even tried to quit drinking and smoking pot all together*; that lasted about 25 days, as her clear mind was a startling reminder of why she started drinking and smoking pot in the first place.

**It's not alcoholism, its just being an idiot. There is no cure.

We both failed wildly at quitting smoking. Everyone smoker wants to quit smoking for some reason they don't quite understand. Sure, we all "know" it will kill us eventually but that doesn't mean we are ready to quit now. We've all tried it though and we've all failed. You smoke, get over it, stop being a pussy.

We both failed wildly at finding a job we don't hate. We all remember Lauren valiantly quitting Fred Segal only to find herself working at the gnarliest 24 hour cafe in downtown L.A. We both thought we hit the jackpot with jobs at a weed store or with a boss who admittedly didn't care that you dicked around 60% of the time. We've come realize that the problem isn't the job in particular though, it's a job in general. Leave it Lauren to work at the one weed store with a boss that is such a fucking perv, he makes even her uncomfortable.

Last and clearly not least*, we failed wildly at maintaing this blog for our loyal readers. It was, without a doubt, our most public failure. It was seen on all 7 continents and we lost our Hungarian fanbase completely. We wanted to bang out an article every few days, and we were, until we realized it was something we actually enjoyed and subconciously cut it out of our lives immediately, as per usual.

*But maybe, really the least.

There's always a silver lining, however, and as you are well aware, we're all about the positive spin on things. We can take solace in the fact that we are great at failure. We're clearly all about failure. We ARE failure. Up until now, we've succeeded wildly at failing. From here on out though, we can only hope to fail at failure. We wish you a year full of failed failures and accidental success. Just in case though, suck it 2012!

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