Monday, March 28, 2011

The When, What and Why of Booze

Many of us like to drink but many of us like to get shit done too. Instead of being responsible and just not drinking until you don't have things to do, just make sure you are aligning what you are drinking with your goals. In case you don't know how to do that, we've simplified it for you.

Whiskey - This is the perfect drink for when you want to start shit. Maybe you need to confront your roommate who's lazy ass hasn't contributed to the water bill in 4 months (despite the fact that they take 4 hour long showers) or perhaps you're in a relationship that has more than run its course but your sober ass simply doesn't have the balls to dump them. You can also drink whiskey when you are hanging out with someone who is hot but has a terrible personality and all you really want is to sleep with them. This is the ideal drink when you need a little "liquid courage."

Cheap beer - Despite cheap beer's terrible image, it is, in many cases, a stellar choice. In these hard economic times, many of us are on a budget. Another symptom of these hard economic times is that many of us drink a bit too damn much. If you simply can't trust yourself to take A FEW shots to get your buzz on, get some cheap beer. It gets you just as drunk as regular beer but, obviously, its much less expensive, and it takes slightly longer to drink than shots. Also, its ideal if you want to feel like you are camping, or you're a hipster, or you've always wanted to be a lumberjack. Its also great when you want to relive being 16. If you are a camping, hipster, 16 year old lumberjack, you are not allowed to drink anything but cheap beer.

Nice beer - Some of us like to hide the fact that we're drunks. I don't blame you, crazy, blacked-out drunk people are IDIOTS. Nice beer is wonderful when you want to be able to go out and be social while still getting wasted on the down low. If you aren't to be trusted drinking "real alcohol," this is an awesome choice. You will seem super classy and approachable instead of seeming like the slobbering, stumbling, drunken idiot you really are.

Wine - Every once in a while, all of us want to feel like we have an exceptional tolerance. Wine is a fantastic option on these days. Despite the fact that we all know saying "I drank a WHOLE bottle of wine" isn't that hardcore, it's always cool to say. It's also nice to have your buzz sneak up on you, a sudden realization of all your hard work (drinking) is always fun. Why let your drinking hit you slowly throughout the night when you can (mid-sentence) realize how truly fucked up you are. Be forewarned though, there is no regret greater than the regret you experience during a wine induced hangover "How To: Make the Most of Your Hangover"

Tequila - Obviously, Tequila is the unofficial drink of spring break and Cinco de Mayo but there are other times to drink it. The best time to drink tequila is when you are completely over giving a fuck. No one's opinion will matter after a few shots (not that it should anyway.) Tequila is a great drink if you are looking to get laid. Please understand that risks of drinking tequila though "Evidence Against Tequila"

Vodka - Vodka is a very popular drink with the younger crowd. Its not advisable to drink it on a regular basis after you 23rd birthday but that doesn't mean you can't drink it from time to time. Save it for the nights when you dumbass starts feeling like 24 years old is old. You can also indulge in vodka when you are pussing out about the actual taste of alcohol. Drink away. Sometimes, your only concern is getting drunk and you don't care who knows it and that is another perfect oppurtunity to drink vodka.

Gin - Let's be clear, gin is disgusting. Certain situations call for drinking gin though. Things happen and sometimes you are too lazy or broke or too lazy and broke to go buy something besides gin. You probably still have gin laying around from that one time you decided to buy a bottle of gin just to try it. Drink it now.

Cognac - Even as super white kids, we like to feel gangster from time to time. This is when you drink cognac. The only inclination that you aren't actually a gangster is the fact that you can still afford to buy things like cognac.

Think of how productive you're about to become. Remember though, too much of a good thing turns into vomiting, headaches and vowing to never drink again. Since you don't want any of those things to happen, drink "responsibly".


  1. I'd like to add:

    Rum: Rum can be good in two different situations.
    1. When you want to get pretty drunk, but you're a bitch about the taste of alcohol. No one is going to make fun of you for ordering a rum and coke, because it just sounds hardcore.
    2. When you don't want to get that drunk, but you're in a group of drinkers and you want to appear to be drinking.
    These things seem to counteract each other but they don't. You can drink a rum and coke as slowly or as quickly as you want. No one will notice, care, or question you, because rum and cokes sound hardcore.


    I LOVE RUM! i drink it to feel like a bitchy beach bum or like a friend of pitbull's (mr. 305)

    Rum is perfect for all occasions. Beware 151 though. And i mean that in the sweetest, most loving way.

  3. I gotta jump on the "How the fuck do you forget rum?" bandwagon... I just called Captain Morgan to come over and kick your ass... those boots are gonna be a bitch.

  4. Four Loco is just an amateur compared these tried and true ones. But Rum... oh god rum... I'm still so embarassed.

  5. This made me laugh. Although I would have added under wine 'When you KNOW you don't have any sort of tolerance.' Because wine is great for those of us who are super-lightweights and run the risk of being pretty damn drunk off of one mixed beverage.


  6. EXCUSE ME BUT ITS "FOUR LOKO"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    four loko is not an alcohol, it's a lifestyle