Sunday, March 20, 2011

How To: Make the Most of Your Hangover

We've all done it: survived the worst hangover known to mankind. We've all probably even done it more than one, or twice, or twenty times. Its never fun, but--as you probably already know--we are all about efficiency here. Sure, it's easy to wallow around in self pity and tell ourselves lies about how we are never going to drink again, but trust us, there are far better ways that you can handle your hangover. Just like any situation in life, its important to make the most of this experience. Don't forget that we absolutely believe its important to listen to your body and not binge drink to excess but sometimes things happen and some of us get hungover no matter how "responsibly" we drank the night (or afternoon, or morning) before.

It's absolutely vital that you DO NOT whine about your hangover. Buck up. You made the decision to drink, so, more or less, you made the decision to be hungover. Put on your sunglasses and figure out what you need to make it better. Weed can cure even the most violent of headaches. If you have found a good friend that's an idiot just like you (like the authors have found in one another) they are usually more than willing to help you out on tragic days like these. This is most likely because they know that they will also need your help some day, and that day is probably not that far out. Use this opportunity to get a few things you've been meaning to pick up. When your friend/boyfriend/mom heads out to the grocery store to pick you up some advil or gatorade, throw a few other things onto the list. "You know what really helps my hangovers? Windows with a streak-free shine! Can you pick me up some Windex?" They might not believe it but chances are, they'll know that they can use this against you later so, just run with it.

You also have a beautiful excuse to eat anything you want today. Screw your diet. You most likely burned all those calories already acting like a maniac out on the town (or in your own living room, whatever) so go ahead and get that greasy cheeseburger and french fries. No one will judge you for being a fat ass, they'll admire you for fighting through this killer hangover. Going to work? Make sure to dramatically act out how sick you are. It's important for your work superiors/coworkers to feel sorry for you, believing that you've got food poisoning or whatever lie you've chosen to feed them. Use this opportunity to lean on the counter all day, not do shit, hide in the supply closet, and still get paid. Have a social obligation? Don't cancel. Go out, tell valiant tales of the amazing night you had, and make everyone feel like you are a hero, back from the war that is your relationship with Jose Cuervo. You are a champion of the social arts, and don't you forget it. People train for years to drink at this level--most people choose to call this "college."

On a serious note, pedialyte, two advil migraine and carbs carbs carbs are a classic fix.

So again, even though hangovers are as preventable as teen pregnancy, shit happens. While you can't get a hit MTV show about your bad decisions, you can maybe get some free shit from WalMart and eat like crazy.

Stay tuned for more evidence against tequila!


  1. I'm hungover now, it happens A LOT! Can't wait till 5 to start all over again.

  2. You are able to get a lot of dicking around when you are hungover. I suggest everyone tries it at least once.