Wednesday, March 23, 2011

How to: Act Slutty Without Putting Out

Let's take a trip down memory lane here. What did you dream of being, as a little girl? (Guys, what kind of lady did you dream of as a young boy?) Both of your authors dreamed of being little princesses, growing up. Are we glad we're not actually princesses? Absolutely. That'd be a royal pain in the ass. We can't even handle the people we choose to be with, let alone "just deal with" a political marriage. However, we can see some fantastic examples of how we can still stay true to our childhood dreams in the end times. Like christians to the bible, we're talking real shit. Fairy tale shit.

Princess Jasmine let Jafar keep her in a glass cage and wore a little ensemble any stripper's be lucky to obtain (steal). She was at his beck and call, looking like a hooker, acting like a hooker, but somehow delivering no ass. That's the stuff that dreams are made of. All three of the chipettes--Brittany, Jeannette and Eleanor-- (modern-day princesses) in The Chipmunk Adventure seduced a baby middle-eastern Prince* and allowed themselves to stay in his harem (brothel) and STILL did not put out. Snow White shacked up with like 8 dudes**. You're damn right that'd get the village talking. Let them talk. Bullshit gossip just makes it THAT much more hilarious when the boys found out the hard way--possibly literally-- that you're not actually a slut. Jokes on who? Not you. She even did wifey shit like stay home while they whistled while they worked and made pies and cooked and shit. Did she do any of them? Absolutely not.

*age aside, this part is probably true. Along with 72 virgins in heaven, you also get three hot chimpunks.

**midget porn, anyone?

These ladies were more than just pointless cock teases. These girls also fucked with the true apples*** of their eyes. Before she ever shacked up with Jafar, Jasmine was sneaking out, dressing cheap and committing petty crimes with Aladdin. She also let him take her on long, amazing, magical carpet rides, hooking him before she went behind his back with Jafar. Those damn chipettes were running wild all over the world smuggling diamonds for shady men they hardly knew, dangling their hot young ass in front of the chipmunk brothers, Alvin, Simon AND Theodore (who never got his couscous!) The whole ordeal even started because the girls acted bitchy and challenged the boys to a ridiculous, life threatening pussy chase across the globe. While Snow White did have the advantage of finding her Prince Charming just kind of out-of-the-blue (we all know those asshole couples), in her scenario it's more beneficial to be seen as the bitch-- or, for the sake of theme, witch. Instead of an apple, take blowjobs. There's a perfect way to lure any man back to your place for an old-school trade, back-rub for blowjob. Then you're asleep and he's outta luck. DId you lie? Yes, but only because who cares? Feel free to tell a blatant lie. Like the friend who tells you your fat ass doesn't look fat in those jeans just for the sake of time, be the girl who technically invites a guy home just because she needs a ride. Thanks for the walk to the door, now's your cue to break a heart-- or at least give someone blue balls. Lauren wishes she had a poison apple, that'd be just as convenient. Also, what seems like a no-brainer: don't seriously take any strangers home. That's what cabs are for.
***thanks for kind of ruining this word for everyone, Gwyneth.

The point is, all of these stories have a happy endng. The girls, who were smart enough to act like bitchy little princesses all along**** ended up with their fucking Prince Charmings, no matter how much "acting as if" it took. The more you like someone without before any physical contact goes down, the more surprisingly hot that lack thereof can be. Clearly, the key here is to be all talk and no action. Hell, leave 'em wondering whether or not they're Jafar or Aladdin in your scenario, since neither one of them's seem any real play.

****Gay guys, anyone?

And if you think this article is going to keep us from getting laid... who said we were in the first place? ;)

Here's the simple equation. (Thank you, New Mexico Public School system for teaching us how to keep it simple!)


For those of you who aren't this advanced, see "The Train Olypwrecks"

Don't even get us started on Gaston....*****

*****No one drinks like Gaston? We bet no one fucks like Gaston


  1. But what if I WANT to put out? I've actually dumped people for not fucking me...

  2. this is, like, first 2 dates. the disney movies were only an hour long.

  3. Hoodyhoo! Doesn't it go without saying that the people you are dating you ARE fucking?! We're talking ego boosters ONLY here.