Monday, March 21, 2011

Evidence Against Tequila

We've all had our fair share of having to defend our actions-- be it in front of a judge, to your parents or simply to your friends after a night of acting like a complete jackass. It is a simple process of having damning evidence brought to the attention of the masses.

We would like to take this opportunity to bring forth EVIDENCE AGAINST TEQUILA:

From this moment on, tequila is not only charged with the following actions, but completely and totally to blame.

The following incidents occurred while the plaintiffs were all under the influence of tequila unless noted that it occurred during a tequila-induced hangover. (See "How to: Make the Most of Your Hangover")

-After a night of drinking tequila, a young white female was bicycling to her shitty dayjob and was so hungover she had to stop in the middle of a West Hollywood sidewalk, dramatically throw her bike to the ground and lay herself down on the concrete to try and stay alive. (Witnesses include a spritely gay man who exclaimed, "Rest, girl, rest!")

-A young white female has an "Hecho En Mexico" tattoo. She got the tattoo in Juarez, Mexico (arguably the most violent city on the planet)

-A young white male, was spanked repeatedly by his friend's mother.

-A young busty (read: not white) female woke up on a porch in the [gangster/terrifying] South Valley of Albuquerque with no recollection of how she got there.

-A young white female was inebriated enough to make out with "Carlton" from "The Fresh Prince of Bel Air"

-A young white female, while driving to her job the day after a straight tequila night, was admittedly "drunk enough to piss out a cocktail on the way to work"

-Two young white females decided to enter and win "Amateur Night" (on two separate occasions in two separate strip clubs)

-An entire group of white adult males and females sitting around a fireplace melted off the soles of all of their shoes

-A young male passed out on a heater, thus branding himself for life

-A young white male became so intoxicated from tequila that he slipped while sitting on the ledge of a bathtub. He was unable to remove himself from the tub without assistance.

The following are charges brought solely on PATRON;
PATRON, (which is the root of the word "patronize") is a derivative of a Latin root word meaning "to make an ass of yourself"

-Two young white females and a young white male decided to patronize a Juarez, Mexico strip club, which is easily the most traumatizing experience possible during life on planet earth

-A young white male, an avid drinker, was forced (by Patron) to pass out to the point of being drawn on in Sharpie for the only time in his life


  1. Oh this made me giggle. :-) Not a tequila girl myself (I shudder to think) but I have seen what it can do to a person! My eyes may never recover.

  2. Yeah, tequila is never advisable. I'm not a tequila person myself. About 3 of these are things that happened to me and I've probably only drank tequila about 4 times so...

  3. I had to make a rule about Jaegermeister back in college... tequila has not betrayed me (so far). Anyhoo, the Jaeger rule went by the wayside this past weekend, and yes, it does still make me act like a slutty spider monkey.

  4. Hehe. I love this. While I do drink tequila (very occasionally, promise), I prefer vodka.

  5. I ALSO try to avoid Jaeger but I've had wwwaayy more good nights as a result of Jaeger than bad. Any night I start the night out with Jaeger though, I know I will be unhappy the next morning.

    We both used to be HUGE vodka fans. It just makes me feel like I'm trying to be 21 again though.

  6. Just to clarify, waking up on a porch is far more acceptable than waking up in a frat house.