tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31809671459087600852024-03-13T03:16:45.584-07:00Logic According to UsThe world can be a scary and confusing place. Sometimes all you need is a little ray of sunshine and some fairy dust (a cloud of pot smoke) to get you through. Well put on your sunglasses (you're probably hungover), we're re-examing what it means to be zen in the 21st century: a time idiots claim is the end of days.Logic According to Ushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16065031173617415132noreply@blogger.comBlogger28125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3180967145908760085.post-75173749413984415442012-01-07T14:13:00.000-08:002012-01-07T14:42:48.281-08:00How To: Have The Worst Night EverWe've all had that night: your friends all turn into assholes, your lose something* and you drink entirely too much. God has granted us the serenity to know that we cannot change this, so accept it. Shitty nights happen, and they will continue to happen. Instead of fighting it, we here at Logic prefer remain one step ahead of fate. Why not take control of the situation and plan your worst night ever? What better than to turn it into a challenge** or a game***?<br />
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">*wallet, phone, virginity, dignity, etc. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">**for all the other competetive assholes like ourselves. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">***for the other perpetual children who won't do anything unless it's for fun.</span><br />
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<b>HOW TO HAVE THE WORST NIGHT EVER:</b> <b>A Scavenger Game </b><br />
<b><i>Our Logic scavenger games are a lot like life. The goal is to win (and, of course, cheating is always acceptable if you get away with it)</i></b><br />
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A night full of bad decisions starts with just one. In this case, it's the people you surround yourself with. If you hang out with.... <br />
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+1 Drunk crying girl. <br />
+1 Repressed homosexual who wants to fight.<br />
+1 An ex that you still have feelings for/that still has feeling for you.* <br />
-1 Designated driver. <br />
-1 A caring, supportive friend.<br />
-1 Anyone you actually like. <br />
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">*These points do not count if you both still have feelings for each other. You guys are both sluts. </span><br />
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At this point it's time to starting drinking but all alcohol is not created equally. <br />
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+1 Whiskey and/or Tequila <br />
+1 Four Loko <br />
+1 Every time to you switch to a different alcohol <br />
-1 Each glass of water* <br />
-1 Anything that does not cause you to blackout before midnight.<br />
-1 Every drink you have if the total at the end of the night is less than 7**.<br />
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<span style="font-size: x-small;"> *This includes before you went out. The goal here is to be dehydrated as fuck. Preferably, all you've eaten all day is a red bull and some doritos. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">**Because it's wasteful and irresponsible to drink without the intention of forgetting. Trust us, if it's the worst night ever, you're going to want to forget. </span><br />
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Now that you are drunk with a bunch of assholes*, where do you go next? <br />
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">*You better also be acting like an asshole. </span><br />
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+2 Just go. Anywhere. Who cares or knows where. These points are not applicable if you know where you are going. <br />
+1 Going to a packed place where you know no one and have no way of getting home <br />
+1 An after hours party with less than 3 people. (Example: 3 sketchy Russians in hoodies you met on Hollywood Blvd with a bottle of gin.) <br />
+1 Going home with someone disgusting looking. (+2 if you have good sex.) <br />
-1 Going home. <br />
-1 Going to an awesome party. <br />
-1 Going home with someone incredible looking. (-2 if you have good sex.)<br />
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It is impossible for you night to be as bad as it can be without a little recreational drug use. <br />
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+1 Acid. (+2 if you've never tried it) <br />
+1 Every line of coke you do after the sun comes up. (If you use NyQuil to fall asleep as a result, these points are no longer valid.) <br />
+1 Any combination of drugs that cost you more than 50% of your current checking account balance. (+2 for overdrafting your account to buy drugs) <br />
-1 Every drug that's there that you don't do. (-2 if the drugs are directly offered to you. -3 if they're free.) <br />
-1 Taking a tylenol before going to sleep. <br />
-1 For having a really great high. <br />
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All good things must come to end and now it is time to go home. This is a perfect opportunity to go home with a stranger because you are too lazy to try to figure out home to get home. <br />
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+1 Walking (+2 for walking barefoot.) <br />
+1 Taking the bus. (+2 if you have ask for money to take the bus.) <br />
+1 Attempting to drive home drunk and getting a DUI. (-2 if you don't get caught. +2 for getting caught driving drunk because you crashed into something. +1 for each one thousand dollars worth of property damage you cause.) <br />
-1 Taking a cab*. <br />
-1 Getting home before 3 am. <br />
-1 Getting home at all. <br />
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">*Note: Cab rides can easily turn into positive points. +1 for taking a cab but not having enough money or losing your phone, wallet, or keys. +1 for everything you leave in the cab. +2 if you left behind personal belongings after not paying for the cab ride.</span> <br />
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And, finally, no horrible night is complete without a horrible morning after. <br />
+2 Only throwing up bile. <br />
+1 Waking up to realize you've wet the bed. (+2 If you're not sleeping alone.) <br />
+1 Waking up with a new tattoo. <br />
-1 Throwing up. <br />
-1 Being hungover to the point that you stay in bed until 5. <br />
-1 Being afraid to check your bank account balance. <br />
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You've finally reached your goal. Blood, tears, drinks and drugs have been spilled. You might even have a new a STD (+1). Now you that you've gotten that out of the way, you can rest assured that you will never have a night as bad this one (and start looking to the future, to your upcoming court date.) You just had the worst night ever. <strong>Congratulations</strong>.Logic According to Ushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16065031173617415132noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3180967145908760085.post-64648417244340285012011-12-30T18:42:00.000-08:002011-12-31T13:44:13.052-08:00Suck It 2011<span lang=""> Logic According To Us is all about big goals and bigger results. In 2011, we were particularly amazing at the "big goals" aspect but not so much at the results. We promised the world and delivered next to nothing. 2011 was a shit year. Rest assured though, we absolutely let ourselves down more than anyone else. If you were a massive failure too, you're not alone. It's not just us though, 2011's collective unconscious gave us three Kardashian spin-offs and the Adam Sandler movie <i>Jack and Jill</i>. However, unlike most of society, who has tricked themselves into thinking a new year means a new beginning, we've decided to dwell on the past. By reviewing things we failed at (and you probably did too) we'll at least start 2012 knowing what to expect. Here's a few of our glaring personal failures.<br />
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Jordan failed wildly at living alone. This failure has been a long time coming. Everyone around him has always known that the place he most belongs is living in his parent's Denver Broncos-themed basement and binge drinking on the weekends. After six years of trying to act like an adult, he's where the world wants him, in his parent's Denver Broncos-themed basement and spending half his paycheck on whiskey. <br />
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Lauren failed wildy at Vegas. Everyone always thinks Vegas is going to be the most bitchin' weekend of the year until you're her. You'll get lost for four days, beaten by the cops, jailed, hospitalized, hospitalized again and, on top of it all, have literally all your belongings stolen by a cab driver, including a winning a lottery ticket. What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas and by that, we mean all her clothes. <br />
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We both failed wildly at getting into shape. 99% of our society wants to be hotter in December than they were in January. We are not exceptions to this rule. We ARE the 99%. 99% of the 99% fail and fail hard. Don't be too proud of yourself if you're that one asshole that looks amazing now. None of us are quite sure if we want to kill you or fuck you*. The motivation to work out gets the shit kicked out of it by the motivation to binge drink, sleep in and smoke pot on the couch while watching Most Eligible: Dallas**. Your self esteem definitely took a few punches too*** and before you know it, you'll be dressing like you're trying to hide a teen pregnancy. The one thing we must all remember though, is how much fun it is to eye-fuck all the assholes at the gym. <br />
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">*Wouldn't it be great if we could literally fuck someone to death?</span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">**And also, Doritos. They're fucking delicious and they can go fuck themsleves.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">*** And maybe even got part of its ear bitten off. </span><br />
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We both failed wildly at not drinking, especially tequila. Do you remember how much <a href="http://logicaccordingtous.blogspot.com/2011/03/evidence-against-tequila.html">Evidence Against Tequila</a> we've compiled? Wouldn't you think, of all people, we would have learned? Yeah, neither did we. Just this week Jordan spent almost 24 hours in bed thanks to Tequila. Lauren blacked out while hosting a party. She even tried to quit drinking and smoking pot all together*; that lasted about 25 days, as her clear mind was a startling reminder of why she started drinking and smoking pot in the first place.<br />
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">*Idiot**</span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">**It's not alcoholism, its just being an idiot. There is no cure.</span><br />
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We both failed wildly at quitting smoking. Everyone smoker wants to quit smoking for some reason they don't quite understand. Sure, we all "know" it will kill us eventually but that doesn't mean we are ready to quit now. We've all tried it though and we've all failed. You smoke, get over it, stop being a pussy. <br />
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We both failed wildly at finding a job we don't hate. We all remember Lauren valiantly quitting Fred Segal only to find herself working at the <a href="http://www.yelp.com/biz/la-cafe-los-angeles">gnarliest 24 hour cafe in downtown L.A.</a> We both thought we hit the jackpot with jobs at a weed store or with a boss who admittedly didn't care that you dicked around 60% of the time. We've come realize that the problem isn't the job in particular though, it's a job in general. Leave it Lauren to work at the one weed store with a boss that is such a fucking perv, he makes even her uncomfortable. <br />
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Last and clearly not least*, we failed wildly at maintaing this blog for our loyal readers. It was, without a doubt, our most public failure. It was seen on all 7 continents and we lost our Hungarian fanbase completely. We wanted to bang out an article every few days, and we were, until we realized it was something we actually enjoyed and subconciously cut it out of our lives immediately, as per usual. <br />
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">*But maybe, really the least.</span><br />
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There's always a silver lining, however, and as you are well aware, we're all about the positive spin on things. We can take solace in the fact that we are great at failure. We're clearly all about failure. We ARE failure. Up until now, we've succeeded wildly at failing. From here on out though, we can only hope to fail at failure. We wish you a year full of failed failures and accidental success.
Just in case though, suck it 2012! </span>Logic According to Ushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16065031173617415132noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3180967145908760085.post-75524441573966141692011-05-27T13:00:00.000-07:002011-05-27T13:01:49.933-07:00Memorial Day Weekend: A MemorialMemorial Day is rapidly approaching. We hope you've been starving yourself, subjecting yourself to skin cancer (or getting gross spray tans) and killing yourself at the gym just so you can feel sort of comfortable in your bathing suit this summer! Awesome! It's pool season! We love holidays and make a point of celebrating them all* We don't know about you, but we have absolutely no idea what the fuck "Memorial Day" is even for. We don't like not knowing. We do, however, love celebrating. So, in honor of this 2011 Memorial Day, here is a short, to-the-point list of things we'll miss over Summer '11.<br />
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*Lauren still has Stars of David hanging from her ceiling** from Channukkah (or however the fuck your spell it) <br />
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**Law of attraction-ing Jews, anyone?<br />
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<span style="font-size: small;">Oprah - To be clear, we do not miss Oprah. Not at all. We do miss hating Oprah. Every weekday for the last 25 years, people around the globe have had an excuse to allow themselves to be completely engulfed in hatred for a solid afternoon hour. No other television show throughout time has made you appreciate the quality of commercials and we doubt another show ever will.***</span><span style="font-size: x-small;"><br />
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">***Except maybe anything with the Kardashians </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: small;">Winter - If you haven't noticed, we love to bitch... and we love doing things that we love. The more reason we have to complain, the more we talk, the happier we are. With the weather so perfect right now, we'll just be sitting outside, getting a tan with a cocktail in our hand with nothing to complain about*****. How. Fucking. Boring. After we finish relaxing poolside, there will be nothing to do but frantically search for things to whine about and we really hate searching for things. The only thing left to complain about is the fact that we have nothing to complain about and we hate being redundant.</span><span style="font-size: x-small;"><br />
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">*****Maybe we should take up watching the Kardashians </span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;">Bin Laden - Don't get us wrong, we're glad he's dead. The thing is, we are really going to miss knowing that our country is as bad at finding things as we are. We suddenly feel much worse about misplacing our cell phones on an hourly basis. Our motto: When life gives you lemons, smoke weed and lose them. America's motto: When Afghanistan gives you lemons, bomb Iraq and deny the existence of lemons.<br />
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The Rapture - There was absolutely no way for things to go wrong if the Rapture happened. Either we go to Heaven and prove all those religious types wrong once and for all or we get to stay on Earth for a blow-out party until the world ends. Sure, demons would have been chewing off our faces but that doesn't matter so much when you've done so much blow you can't feel your face. Also, we were kind of excited to not have to hear anymore Christian radio.<br />
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Manly Men - Nowadays, even the manliest of men start their day by drinking a fucking shake they've made in the kitchen with a blender. Back in the day, manly men hunted and killed wild beasts by hand to get their protein. To top it all off, they did it without a drop of gel in their hair. However, who are we to say that cavemen had six packs? Because at the end of the day, we will never forget that it's what's on the outside that counts. Like an endangered species, manly men will not be able to flourish until, as a world united, everyone agrees to stop making/wearing/selling/buying any tight t-shirts bedazzled with rhinestones.<br />
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Yes, the fact that most of these things are gone is a great thing. With so many terrible things gone though, the curve has been altered. Now whats good isn't as good anymore. Don't get too down on yourself though, we're leaving you with a quick list of things to remind you how good life really is.<br />
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Maria Shriver just found out that The Governator has a 10 YEAR OLD LOVE CHILD. Suddenly, it really doesn't seem like a big deal that you're boyfiend of 2 months cheated on you. <br />
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Kim Kardashian is getting married. No matter what happens in life, you can always change the channel when "Kim and Kris" comes on. <br />
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A parade of idiocy is making a move for the Republican Presidential Nomination. We have another year and a half to watch them be morons without a moment of concern that one of them might actually win. <br />
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So, here we are, ringing in the Summer of 2011 with a smile, memorializing the atrocities of the past, cracking a cold beverage and cheers-ing to the less-bad goodness to come.<br />
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Also, a friendly reminder to do yourself a favor: don't wear a bathing suit if you don't look good in a bathing suit.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span lang=""></span></span></span></span><span style="font-size: small;"></span>Logic According to Ushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16065031173617415132noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3180967145908760085.post-53920108531236494662011-04-05T12:22:00.000-07:002011-04-05T12:23:08.221-07:00Daily Bible Translations for Jesus' Children: IntegrityNot that we have much to show for ourselves but we absolutely have integrity in our bitching.<br />
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You shall not steal. – Exodus 20:15<br />
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You shall not steal. - If it's on twitter and you didn't think of it, use quotation marks. In any other situation in life (twitter is the only place where virtue matters, right?) don't get caught. <br />
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Previous Bible Translations for Jesus' Children<br />
3/24/2011 - <a href="http://logicaccordingtous.blogspot.com/2011/03/bible-translations-for-jesus-children_24.html"> Crash Dieting </a><br />
3/19/2011 - <a href="http://logicaccordingtous.blogspot.com/2011/03/bible-translations-for-jesus-children_19.html"> Nightclubs and Bounces </a><br />
3/18/2011 - <a href="http://logicaccordingtous.blogspot.com/2011/03/bible-translations-for-jesus-children_18.html"> Homelessness and Inheritance </a><br />
3/17/2011 - <a href="http://logicaccordingtous.blogspot.com/2011/03/bible-translations-for-jesus-children_17.html"> Kanye West and Winos </a><br />
3/16/2011 - <a href="http://logicaccordingtous.blogspot.com/2011/03/bible-translations-for-jesus-children.html"> Drug Dealers </a><br />
3/15/2011 - <a href="http://logicaccordingtous.blogspot.com/2011/03/bible-translations-for-jesus-children_16.html"> The Police </a>Logic According to Ushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16065031173617415132noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3180967145908760085.post-81126039334979982642011-04-04T11:43:00.000-07:002011-04-04T11:43:15.782-07:00How to: Outwit the LawIt's been a crazy week for us so, we've brought you something just as good as us. Here we have our first guest post. You can find this lady on Twitter, <a href="http://www.twitter.com/fellatia">@Fellatia</a>. Here she is with a gun...<br />
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Are you tired of the law looming over your shoulder like the prostitute that you forgot to pay, a nagging ex-lover, or the one night stand that had you rushing to the ER? By reading this tutorial your mind will be put at ease as you will have the confidence to face any likely encounter with the law. Follow along and you will be skipping down the court corridors in no time.<br />
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In the instance that you get pulled over, your best approach is to make the officer feel as though you are inherently unorganized. These simple gestures will help you evade the law step by step.<br />
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1. Prior to the officer approaching the window be sure that there is an insurmountable amount of paper, shoes, underwear, and cigarette cartons. This added chaos will be your saving grace.<br />
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2. Always have "ethnic tunes" readily available (Russian and or Arabic usually do the trick). The last thing the officer wants is to be labeled as a racist.<br />
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3. When asked for "license, registration and insurance", respond with "what does that look like". This makes the officer feel as though he is dealing with someone mentally inferior and adds a boost to his arbitrary ego.<br />
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4. Be as loud as possible when rummaging through your man-made mayhem. At this point the officer is getting impatient. Remember you are trying to inconvenience him as much as he is inconveniencing you.<br />
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5. If these four objectives have left you confused, don't fret, there is always opportunity for an immediate, simple rebuttal. Nothing screams louder than "I am broke and unemployed".<br />
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ENDING POINTS<br />
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1. If you have a plethora of illegal substances, DO NOT GET RID OF IT. The last thing you want is for your hard earned "confidence enhancer" to become dust in the wind. Be kind to nature. It's fucking courtesy.<br />
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2. When the officer returns with your personal effects, like the rest of your things, toss it in a pile without a second thought. Bonus points if the officer is a witness to this outlandish behavior.<br />
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3. Paint them a vivid picture of "the haves and the have-nots". So what if you make 100K annually, be clear you are a have-not. We all know law enforcement was not genetically engineered for such intelligence; use this to your advantage.<br />
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From the highway to the courtroom our journey continues. We all have had traffic citations, parking tickets, and petty misdemeanors. In times like these, who has time for court appearances? Lawyers? Community service? You have more important things to be doing like enjoying free "bl**" from your favorite street pharmacist and/or being on the clock and not actually working.<br />
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1. When going into court for a suspended license be sure that you drive yourself, insist that you were not aware of this preposterous crime, and reiterate that you have been using public transportation since the incident in question. Furthermore allow for this orchestra to continue and leave the same way you came in (consistency is key). <br />
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2. Let's revisit this idea of inconvenience, be sure to reschedule your court date numerous times. This prolongs the process, confuses the officer and ultimately results in its’ dismissal.<br />
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3. What to do in the event of a fender bender/hit and run?<br />
a. Be an honest Abe and leave a blank note underneath the windshield wiper. This lessens the tension that may have blossomed by the 20+ spectators and makes you look like a hero.<br />
b. If you don't have a pen and paper, make the rational decision and drive away.<br />
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4. In the event of receiving community service as your court ordered punishment, here are a few things to keep in mind:<br />
a. Know your surroundings and get to know your superiors. For example, offering to clean before it is suggested equates to you not lifting a damn finger.<br />
b. If you are attractive and your dashing good looks didn't save you in the courtroom, they now come into play and will guarantee your lack of service to the community.<br />
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Well gentlemen and gentle ladies, I hope you found this lesson insightful and useful. You should now be able to venture behind the wheel (drunk or sober*) with the vivacious confidence of a white line. Life is a carnival; treat it as one. <br />
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*Seriously though, don't drive drunk. Jail and breathalyzers are a HUGE inconvenience.Logic According to Ushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16065031173617415132noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3180967145908760085.post-65130033557839631962011-03-28T13:32:00.000-07:002011-03-28T13:32:25.442-07:00The When, What and Why of BoozeMany of us like to drink but many of us like to get shit done too. Instead of being responsible and just not drinking until you don't have things to do, just make sure you are aligning what you are drinking with your goals. In case you don't know how to do that, we've simplified it for you. <br />
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Whiskey - This is the perfect drink for when you want to start shit. Maybe you need to confront your roommate who's lazy ass hasn't contributed to the water bill in 4 months (despite the fact that they take 4 hour long showers) or perhaps you're in a relationship that has more than run its course but your sober ass simply doesn't have the balls to dump them. You can also drink whiskey when you are hanging out with someone who is hot but has a terrible personality and all you really want is to sleep with them. This is the ideal drink when you need a little "liquid courage."<br />
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Cheap beer - Despite cheap beer's terrible image, it is, in many cases, a stellar choice. In these hard economic times, many of us are on a budget. Another symptom of these hard economic times is that many of us drink a bit too damn much. If you simply can't trust yourself to take A FEW shots to get your buzz on, get some cheap beer. It gets you just as drunk as regular beer but, obviously, its much less expensive, and it takes slightly longer to drink than shots. Also, its ideal if you want to feel like you are camping, or you're a hipster, or you've always wanted to be a lumberjack. Its also great when you want to relive being 16. If you are a camping, hipster, 16 year old lumberjack, you are not allowed to drink anything but cheap beer.<br />
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Nice beer - Some of us like to hide the fact that we're drunks. I don't blame you, crazy, blacked-out drunk people are IDIOTS. Nice beer is wonderful when you want to be able to go out and be social while still getting wasted on the down low. If you aren't to be trusted drinking "real alcohol," this is an awesome choice. You will seem super classy and approachable instead of seeming like the slobbering, stumbling, drunken idiot you really are. <br />
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Wine - Every once in a while, all of us want to feel like we have an exceptional tolerance. Wine is a fantastic option on these days. Despite the fact that we all know saying "I drank a WHOLE bottle of wine" isn't that hardcore, it's always cool to say. It's also nice to have your buzz sneak up on you, a sudden realization of all your hard work (drinking) is always fun. Why let your drinking hit you slowly throughout the night when you can (mid-sentence) realize how truly fucked up you are. Be forewarned though, there is no regret greater than the regret you experience during a wine induced hangover <a href="http://logicaccordingtous.blogspot.com/2011/03/how-to-make-most-of-your-hangover.html"> "How To: Make the Most of Your Hangover" </a><br />
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Tequila - Obviously, Tequila is the unofficial drink of spring break and Cinco de Mayo but there are other times to drink it. The best time to drink tequila is when you are completely over giving a fuck. No one's opinion will matter after a few shots (not that it should anyway.) Tequila is a great drink if you are looking to get laid. Please understand that risks of drinking tequila though <a href="http://logicaccordingtous.blogspot.com/2011/03/evidence-against-tequila.html">"Evidence Against Tequila"</a><br />
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Vodka - Vodka is a very popular drink with the younger crowd. Its not advisable to drink it on a regular basis after you 23rd birthday but that doesn't mean you can't drink it from time to time. Save it for the nights when you dumbass starts feeling like 24 years old is old. You can also indulge in vodka when you are pussing out about the actual taste of alcohol. Drink away. Sometimes, your only concern is getting drunk and you don't care who knows it and that is another perfect oppurtunity to drink vodka.<br />
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Gin - Let's be clear, gin is disgusting. Certain situations call for drinking gin though. Things happen and sometimes you are too lazy or broke or too lazy and broke to go buy something besides gin. You probably still have gin laying around from that one time you decided to buy a bottle of gin just to try it. Drink it now.<br />
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Cognac - Even as super white kids, we like to feel gangster from time to time. This is when you drink cognac. The only inclination that you aren't actually a gangster is the fact that you can still afford to buy things like cognac.<br />
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Think of how productive you're about to become. Remember though, too much of a good thing turns into vomiting, headaches and vowing to never drink again. Since you don't want any of those things to happen, drink "responsibly".Logic According to Ushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16065031173617415132noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3180967145908760085.post-66111656626871557112011-03-24T11:21:00.000-07:002011-03-24T11:21:51.076-07:00Bible Translations For Jesus' Children: Crash DietingLosing weight is hard, it's even worse without god on your side. Obviously, We encourage you to eat healthy and workout but that doesn't mean we haven't tried things like the master cleanse and apple diet...<br />
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“Even now,” declares the LORD, “return to me with all your heart, with fasting and weeping and mourning.” – Joel 2:12 (NIV)<br />
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<br />
"Even now," declared the LORD: Even now, says your mind<br />
"return to me: ignore what your body needs<br />
with all your heart,: with all your determination<br />
with fasting.: stay on your crash diet<br />
and weeping: and get over it, fatass<br />
and mourning.": because nothing tastes as good as "Skinny"<br />
<br />
Previous Bible Translations for Jesus' Children<br />
3/19/2011 - <a href="http://logicaccordingtous.blogspot.com/2011/03/bible-translations-for-jesus-children_19.html"> Nightclubs and Bounces </a><br />
3/18/2011 - <a href="http://logicaccordingtous.blogspot.com/2011/03/bible-translations-for-jesus-children_18.html"> Homelessness and Inheritance </a><br />
3/17/2011 - <a href="http://logicaccordingtous.blogspot.com/2011/03/bible-translations-for-jesus-children_17.html"> Kanye West and Winos </a><br />
3/16/2011 - <a href="http://logicaccordingtous.blogspot.com/2011/03/bible-translations-for-jesus-children.html"> Drug Dealers </a><br />
3/15/2011 - <a href="http://logicaccordingtous.blogspot.com/2011/03/bible-translations-for-jesus-children_16.html"> The Police </a>Logic According to Ushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16065031173617415132noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3180967145908760085.post-69077805594201378142011-03-23T21:38:00.000-07:002011-04-03T20:38:09.858-07:00How to: Act Slutty Without Putting OutLet's take a trip down memory lane here. What did you dream of being, as a little girl? (Guys, what kind of lady did you dream of as a young boy?) Both of your authors dreamed of being little princesses, growing up. Are we glad we're not actually princesses? Absolutely. That'd be a royal pain in the ass. We can't even handle the people we choose to be with, let alone "just deal with" a political marriage. However, we can see some fantastic examples of how we can still stay true to our childhood dreams in the end times. Like christians to the bible, we're talking real shit. Fairy tale shit.<br />
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Princess Jasmine let Jafar keep her in a glass cage and wore a little ensemble any stripper's be lucky to obtain (steal). She was at his beck and call, looking like a hooker, acting like a hooker, but somehow delivering no ass. That's the stuff that dreams are made of. All three of the chipettes--Brittany, Jeannette and Eleanor-- (modern-day princesses) in The Chipmunk Adventure seduced a baby middle-eastern Prince* and allowed themselves to stay in his harem (brothel) and STILL did not put out. Snow White shacked up with like 8 dudes**. You're damn right that'd get the village talking. Let them talk. Bullshit gossip just makes it THAT much more hilarious when the boys found out the hard way--possibly literally-- that you're not actually a slut. Jokes on who? Not you. She even did wifey shit like stay home while they whistled while they worked and made pies and cooked and shit. Did she do any of them? Absolutely not.<br />
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*age aside, this part is probably true. Along with 72 virgins in heaven, you also get three hot chimpunks.<br />
<br />
**midget porn, anyone?<br />
<br />
These ladies were more than just pointless cock teases. These girls also fucked with the true apples*** of their eyes. Before she ever shacked up with Jafar, Jasmine was sneaking out, dressing cheap and committing petty crimes with Aladdin. She also let him take her on long, amazing, magical carpet rides, hooking him before she went behind his back with Jafar. Those damn chipettes were running wild all over the world smuggling diamonds for shady men they hardly knew, dangling their hot young ass in front of the chipmunk brothers, Alvin, Simon AND Theodore (who never got his couscous!) The whole ordeal even started because the girls acted bitchy and challenged the boys to a ridiculous, life threatening pussy chase across the globe. While Snow White did have the advantage of finding her Prince Charming just kind of out-of-the-blue (we all know those asshole couples), in her scenario it's more beneficial to be seen as the bitch-- or, for the sake of theme, witch. Instead of an apple, take blowjobs. There's a perfect way to lure any man back to your place for an old-school trade, back-rub for blowjob. Then you're asleep and he's outta luck. DId you lie? Yes, but only because who cares? Feel free to tell a blatant lie. Like the friend who tells you your fat ass doesn't look fat in those jeans just for the sake of time, be the girl who technically invites a guy home just because she needs a ride. Thanks for the walk to the door, now's your cue to break a heart-- or at least give someone blue balls. Lauren wishes she had a poison apple, that'd be just as convenient. Also, what seems like a no-brainer: don't seriously take any strangers home. That's what cabs are for. <br />
***thanks for kind of ruining this word for everyone, Gwyneth.<br />
<br />
The point is, all of these stories have a happy endng. The girls, who were smart enough to act like bitchy little princesses all along**** ended up with their fucking Prince Charmings, no matter how much "acting as if" it took. The more you like someone without before any physical contact goes down, the more surprisingly hot that lack thereof can be. Clearly, the key here is to be all talk and no action. Hell, leave 'em wondering whether or not they're Jafar or Aladdin in your scenario, since neither one of them's seem any real play.<br />
<br />
****Gay guys, anyone?<br />
<br />
And if you think this article is going to keep us from getting laid... who said we were in the first place? ;)<br />
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Here's the simple equation. (Thank you, New Mexico Public School system for teaching us how to keep it simple!)<br />
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TALKING SLUTTY - ACTING SLUTTY = IDEAL<br />
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For those of you who aren't this advanced, see <a href="http://logicaccordingtous.blogspot.com/2011/03/train-olympiwrecks-one-night-stand.html">"The Train Olypwrecks"</a><br />
<br />
Don't even get us started on Gaston....*****<br />
<br />
*****No one drinks like Gaston? We bet no one fucks like GastonLogic According to Ushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16065031173617415132noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3180967145908760085.post-4185778009583751702011-03-22T18:11:00.000-07:002011-03-22T18:11:22.845-07:00Our gayest post yet: Male Figure SkatingMost major news sources include a section on sports, so we clearly decided to bring the world of physical competition into the mix. Logical, right?<br />
<br />
One fun fact most people don't know about us is that we love male figure skating; it really has a place in our hearts. Now, we don't feel this way because we appreciate their talent or artistry. Hardly. Male figure skating is, hands down, the most gloriously ridiculous "sport" ever invented. Even coming from a gay man and a girl that has an army of gays, its just too gay for us to handle (the fact that certain contestants pretend to be straight as a board might just be what throws the gayness over the line). This intense love started when Jordan didn't have cable and male figure skating was the best option for entertainment. Lauren particularly loved receiving texts from Jordan at 9 in the morning on Sundays (so she was, more often then not, hungover) about how insane it was. Lauren, whose mother was an avid figure-skating watcher, had been in love with the bedazzled travesty that is male figure skating for as long as she can remember. And no, her mother did not necessarily appreciate her snarky comments, even at age 7. You can imagine her thrill upon finding out Jordan was tuned into the sport as well.<br />
<br />
That said, we personally feel that more sports should try to be more like male figure skating. Imagine how great football would be when, say, combined with sequins. It would be that much harder to intimidate your opponents. What about only counting touchdowns when combined with a lift? Now we're getting fancy. It would certaintly widen their audience. We know that in football you can be penalized for "excessive celebration" or some bullshit like that. WE THINK THIS IS BULLSHIT. We always spend more time celebrating than it takes to get to the point of actually having a reason to celebrate. Celebrating should be an ART FORM. Let the celebration continue as long as it needs to BUT award points for the celebration. Choreography would make football MUCH more appealing. Also, imagine how amazing it would be if each play was judged for style on a scale of 1 to 10 by a panel of middleaged women, gay men and metrosexuals? This may sound like the gayest post ever written but, really, think about it. Even if you love football, you KNOW this would make it a little better.Logic According to Ushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16065031173617415132noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3180967145908760085.post-3761275390638127832011-03-21T09:33:00.000-07:002011-03-21T09:33:32.386-07:00Evidence Against TequilaWe've all had our fair share of having to defend our actions-- be it in front of a judge, to your parents or simply to your friends after a night of acting like a complete jackass. It is a simple process of having damning evidence brought to the attention of the masses.<br />
<br />
We would like to take this opportunity to bring forth EVIDENCE AGAINST TEQUILA:<br />
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From this moment on, tequila is not only charged with the following actions, but completely and totally to blame.<br />
<br />
The following incidents occurred while the plaintiffs were all under the influence of tequila unless noted that it occurred during a tequila-induced hangover. (See <a href="http://logicaccordingtous.blogspot.com/2011/03/how-to-make-most-of-your-hangover.html">"How to: Make the Most of Your Hangover"</a>)<br />
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-After a night of drinking tequila, a young white female was bicycling to her shitty dayjob and was so hungover she had to stop in the middle of a West Hollywood sidewalk, dramatically throw her bike to the ground and lay herself down on the concrete to try and stay alive. (Witnesses include a spritely gay man who exclaimed, "Rest, girl, rest!")<br />
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-A young white female has an "Hecho En Mexico" tattoo. She got the tattoo in Juarez, Mexico (arguably the most violent city on the planet)<br />
<br />
-A young white male, was spanked repeatedly by his friend's mother.<br />
<br />
-A young busty (read: not white) female woke up on a porch in the [gangster/terrifying] South Valley of Albuquerque with no recollection of how she got there.<br />
<br />
-A young white female was inebriated enough to make out with "Carlton" from "The Fresh Prince of Bel Air"<br />
<br />
-A young white female, while driving to her job the day after a straight tequila night, was admittedly "drunk enough to piss out a cocktail on the way to work"<br />
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-Two young white females decided to enter and win "Amateur Night" (on two separate occasions in two separate strip clubs)<br />
<br />
-An entire group of white adult males and females sitting around a fireplace melted off the soles of all of their shoes<br />
<br />
-A young male passed out on a heater, thus branding himself for life<br />
<br />
-A young white male became so intoxicated from tequila that he slipped while sitting on the ledge of a bathtub. He was unable to remove himself from the tub without assistance.<br />
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The following are charges brought solely on PATRON;<br />
PATRON, (which is the root of the word "patronize") is a derivative of a Latin root word meaning "to make an ass of yourself"<br />
<br />
<br />
-Two young white females and a young white male decided to patronize a Juarez, Mexico strip club, which is easily the most traumatizing experience possible during life on planet earth<br />
<br />
<br />
-A young white male, an avid drinker, was forced (by Patron) to pass out to the point of being drawn on in Sharpie for the only time in his lifeLogic According to Ushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16065031173617415132noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3180967145908760085.post-52000359043199341712011-03-20T19:33:00.000-07:002011-03-20T19:52:18.979-07:00How To: Make the Most of Your HangoverWe've all done it: survived the worst hangover known to mankind. We've all probably even done it more than one, or twice, or twenty times. Its never fun, but--as you probably already know--we are all about efficiency here. Sure, it's easy to wallow around in self pity and tell ourselves lies about how we are never going to drink again, but trust us, there are far better ways that you can handle your hangover. Just like any situation in life, its important to make the most of this experience. Don't forget that we absolutely believe its important to listen to your body and not binge drink to excess but sometimes things happen and some of us get hungover no matter how "responsibly" we drank the night (or afternoon, or morning) before. <br />
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<center><img src="http://i1180.photobucket.com/albums/x411/logicaccordingtous/hungover-1.jpg"></CENTER><br />
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It's absolutely vital that you DO NOT whine about your hangover. Buck up. You made the decision to drink, so, more or less, you made the decision to be hungover. Put on your sunglasses and figure out what you need to make it better. Weed can cure even the most violent of headaches. If you have found a good friend that's an idiot just like you (like the authors have found in one another) they are usually more than willing to help you out on tragic days like these. This is most likely because they know that they will also need your help some day, and that day is probably not that far out. Use this opportunity to get a few things you've been meaning to pick up. When your friend/boyfriend/mom heads out to the grocery store to pick you up some advil or gatorade, throw a few other things onto the list. "You know what really helps my hangovers? Windows with a streak-free shine! Can you pick me up some Windex?" They might not believe it but chances are, they'll know that they can use this against you later so, just run with it.<br />
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You also have a beautiful excuse to eat anything you want today. Screw your diet. You most likely burned all those calories already acting like a maniac out on the town (or in your own living room, whatever) so go ahead and get that greasy cheeseburger and french fries. No one will judge you for being a fat ass, they'll admire you for fighting through this killer hangover. Going to work? Make sure to dramatically act out how sick you are. It's important for your work superiors/coworkers to feel sorry for you, believing that you've got food poisoning or whatever lie you've chosen to feed them. Use this opportunity to lean on the counter all day, not do shit, hide in the supply closet, and still get paid. Have a social obligation? Don't cancel. Go out, tell valiant tales of the amazing night you had, and make everyone feel like you are a hero, back from the war that is your relationship with Jose Cuervo. You are a champion of the social arts, and don't you forget it. People train for years to drink at this level--most people choose to call this "college."<br />
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On a serious note, pedialyte, two advil migraine and carbs carbs carbs are a classic fix. <br />
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So again, even though hangovers are as preventable as teen pregnancy, shit happens. While you can't get a hit MTV show about your bad decisions, you can maybe get some free shit from WalMart and eat like crazy.<br />
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Stay tuned for more evidence against tequila!Logic According to Ushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16065031173617415132noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3180967145908760085.post-87729344996650810392011-03-19T13:52:00.000-07:002011-03-20T13:03:50.770-07:00Bible Translations for Jesus' Children: Nightclubs and BouncersGetting into clubs can be a bitch...<br />
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<center><img src="http://i1180.photobucket.com/albums/x411/logicaccordingtous/Picture2.png"></CENTER><br />
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Jesus answered, "I am the way the truth and the life." No one comes to the Father except through me - John 14:6<br />
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Jesus answered, - Jesús the bouncer said<br />
“I am the way and the truth and the life.- I'm on a power trip<br />
No one comes - only bribes will get you in<br />
to the Father - to this mediocre club with a shitty D.J.<br />
except through me. - or you can sleep with me.<br />
<br />
Previous Bible Translations for Jesus' Children<br />
3/18/2011 - <a href="http://logicaccordingtous.blogspot.com/2011/03/bible-translations-for-jesus-children_18.html"> Homelessness and Inheritance </a><br />
3/17/2011 - <a href="http://logicaccordingtous.blogspot.com/2011/03/bible-translations-for-jesus-children_17.html"> Kanye West and Winos </a><br />
3/16/2011 - <a href="http://logicaccordingtous.blogspot.com/2011/03/bible-translations-for-jesus-children.html"> Drug Dealers </a><br />
3/15/2011 - <a href="http://logicaccordingtous.blogspot.com/2011/03/bible-translations-for-jesus-children_16.html"> The Police </a>Logic According to Ushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16065031173617415132noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3180967145908760085.post-17812545649627072742011-03-19T10:49:00.000-07:002011-03-19T11:04:37.279-07:00How to: Have a Bitchin' Spring Break<span lang="">It's that time of year again: Spring Break. We LOVE spring break. And no, we're not students. Why? Because fuck that. We're not the collegiate type and we definitely wouldn't do well in a fraternity or sorority situation, at least one of us knows that for sure. Spring break is an international holiday celebrated 'round the world (much like the 4th of July, Martin Luther King Jr. Day and Hannukah), regardless of your educational status. Knowing how to have fun in any circumstance, regardless of the situation, is a learned skill. Never been told you're the "life of the party"? Sucks for you. We hear that any time we make a public appearance. Much like our hit scavenger game, <a href="http://logicaccordingtous.blogspot.com/2011/03/in-case-you-missed-it-how-to-be-hit-at.html">how to be a hit at family gatherings </a>, we believe that Spring Break should be a joyous, playful event for everyone.<br />
</span><br />
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<center><img src="http://i1180.photobucket.com/albums/x411/logicaccordingtous/197026_1002194338937_1347180076_30002368_2562_n-1.jpg" /></center><center><span style="font-size: x-small;">Behind the bar at Senor Frogs in Cozumel, Mexico. Note: Lauren is 15.</span></center><br />
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Much like food and water, we believe that EVERYONE deserves Spring Break (even those kids in the Christian "buy a child with 28 cents" infomercials.)<br />
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Before the playbook for your/our/everyone's perfect spring break, remember to be smart because dying on Spring Break (especially from alcohol poisoning or at the hands of a stranger) deducts every point you've earned and then some. If only takes you 3 beers to get drunk, buying more beers is a waste of money and will lengthen your recovery time. Don't take it from the booze companies, take it from us, <strong>PLEASE</strong> drink responsibily.<br />
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<strong>POSITIVES</strong><br />
+2 point each - Every photo taken of you when you dont look like shit (because, remember, you're supposed to be drunk the entire time)<br />
+7 points - Have a one night stand with a frat boy/sorority girl (+10 if they're the same sex as you, everyone needs an embarassing gay story from spring break.)<br />
+10 points - Each new sexual experience (never gone black/gay/been gang banged? here's your chance. blame it on this article when your friends find out. we dont give a fuck)<br />
+5 points - Sleep on something that ISN'T a bed (bushes, sidewalks, patios, the beach, a stranger's floor, etc.)<br />
+4 points - Make friends with a bartender (take this a run with it. Lauren got matching tattoos in Juarez with a bartender)<br />
+5 - Taking shots before noon (+4 more if you are still taking shots at midnight [Expected])<br />
+3 - Curing your hangover with a bloody mary (Remember though, the goal is to not ever GET hungover. In other words, dont give your body a chance to sober up. If you ARE hungover, do NOT draw attention to it. Put on your sunglasses and shut the fuck up. )<br />
+3 - Curing your hangover with weed (+3 more if you are in a foreign country.)<br />
+5 - Having a random stranger buy you a bottle (-2 if the bottle is made of plastic.)<br />
+4 - Having a random stranger find you recreational drugs (+ 3 points if they're a local)<br />
+8 - Having a conversation with someone despite the fact that neither one of you speaks the same language (Master the art of hand signals; "Give me," "Fuck you" and "Hand job.")<br />
+6 - Getting lost from your friends, having a great solo adventure and reuniting with your friends the same night (+1 if you don't remember the adventure.) <br />
+2 - Dancing on a bar during the day (Doing this during daylight hours will make people wish they were you, i.e. they wish they had the commiment to drink this much so early/have that much fun.)<br />
+9 - Interacting with the police without getting arrested (If you get them to party with you, you've automatically won.)<br />
+2 - Cheating and not getting caught (This is includes not getting caught by your conscious.)<br />
+1 - Being involved in body shots (Obviously, only with someone as hot or hotter than you.)<br />
+3 - Considering the orange wedge/olive/umbrella in your drink to be a meal (Fruits, vegetables, fiber.)<br />
+2 - Having someone remember your name that you don't even recgonize (Note: it is irrelevant if they have a good opinion of you are not.)<br />
+6 - Hooking up with someone whose age is completely inappropriate to you. (either a cougar if you're 18, or a college freshman if you're old. Remember kids: Check IDs.)<br />
+2- Using a stranger/acquaintance for their booze/drugs (This is, also, generally expected.)<br />
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<strong>NEGATIVES</strong><br />
-8 - Saying you can't go out cause you are too hungover from last night. (If you don't generally party at this level, you should have been training. If you decided at the last minute to do spring break, buck up.)<br />
-5 - Not having your body "spring break" ready. (This is more your opinion than anything. Remember, everyone is drunk, it hardly matters. Unless you are showing skin during the day, in which case, god didn't give us sarapes and t-shirts for nothing.)<br />
-6 - Getting drunk and lost from your friends, having a great solo adventure and reuniting with your friends the next day (-1 if you don't remember the adventure.)<br />
-2 - Dancing on a bar at night (Remember, thanks to us, people have been doing that for hours. Think of something more original to do with your liquid courage.)<br />
-7 - Hooking up with someone ugly (Beer googles are never an excuse.)<br />
-5 - Throwing up in public (only if someone notices. If you can do this steathily, no positive/negative points, just good for you.)<br />
-4 - Dancing with someone gross (Anyone wearing an Ed Hardy shirt or anyone that's not wearing a shirt and would look better in an Ed Hardy shirt. i.e. Guidos, fatties and general losers)<br />
-7 - Going to a hospital, for any reason (No excuses. -10 for needing to go to a hospital and not going.)<br />
-3 - Cheating and getting caught (You can always blame it on the alcohol but, if you're going to be a skank, be a sneaky skank.)<br />
-10 - Getting arrested and charged (By all means, do illegal things but just don't get caught.)<br />
-2 - Eating three square meals in a day (Now is not the time to ruin your hot bod. Also, who needs that much food to potentially throw up?)<br />
-5 - Losing your wallet/ID/camera/personal items (dignity is assumed to already be lost.)<br />
-3 - Getting a sunburn (you should have been hitting the tanning bed, you knew this was coming.)<br />
-1 - Using sunscreen (+4 if the person applying it is hot.)<br />
-1 - Falling down in public (this is when it comes in handy to have a hot stranger, literally, on your arm.)<br />
-10 - Committing statutory rape and being caught (but really, don't even do it in the first place. There's definitely enough hot people in the legal age bracket. [18-80])<br />
-3 - Being used by a stranger/acquaintance for your booze/drugs (Now is not the time to show off how much money you have.)<br />
-6 - Getting in a fight (friends, strangers, acquaintances/whoever. Chances are the fight is stupid. Make love, not war or... whatever.)<br />
-2 - Reading anything besides bottle labels and drink menus (No books, food menus, magazines, travel, guides, maps, etc.)<br />
-2 - Every photo taken of you where you look like total ass (Remember, people are out IN FORCE with cameras trying to make you look bad even though you're really making yourself look bad... also you can blame it on the alcohol.)<br />
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Ready, Set, Go! <br />
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(We'll have more shit for you to read when you stagger back to your computer.)Logic According to Ushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16065031173617415132noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3180967145908760085.post-65470983230150581022011-03-18T14:16:00.001-07:002011-03-18T14:17:14.002-07:00Why Being Unique is BullshitI'm sure your mother always told you that you were special just the way you are. If she didn't, you probably have a shitty mom. (Sorry, touchy subject/too soon?) This is one of the many lies we tell our children and because of that, many people truly think they are unique. Also, lots of people aren't. It sure is fun to think that you are someone special but let's be honest, there are over 6 billion people on this planet. Chances are, you aren't* . The good news is that being unique isn't really a good thing. You know who was unique? Quasimodo**. You know who he didn't get? Esmeralda. Seriously, most people look at unique people as weird... and not in a good way. For fuck's sake, there's a man who walks around Albuquerque in Daisy Dukes and goes on public access talking about how he drinks his piss***. Is he unique? Sure. Is he weird? You fucking know it.****<br />
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">*just one in a million, you're one in six billion. just another fish in the sea of bullshit fish.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">**What were saying is: If you want to be unique, get a deformity. People will admire your commitment.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">***His name is Gene.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">****It's also important to note that he walks around Albuquerque ALONE.</span><br />
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So why is it so important to everyone to be unique? It's hard to understand why everyone strives so hard to be different. We're not saying you should just conform but its a lot of good damn work to be different. You have to think of something more unique than wearing a dress made out of steaks or entering a party in a giant egg. Thanks for nothing, Lady Gaga*****. We all definitely could be unique but we all also have way more important things to do. It was more important to sit on our collective ass (not unique) and blog (not unique) about being unique (probably also not unique) than to actually try and be unique. We may not be using our time wisely but we're not using it as unwisely as we could. You could also being using your time less wisely. You are boosting our egos. (Unfortunately only us two assholes think that stroking our egos is something that NEEDS to be done.) So once again, you can justify doing anything (or NOT doing anything) with the excuse of efficiency.<br />
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">*****Also not unique: Madonna, anyone?</span><br />
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You're welcome for the time management skills. Drinking a beer on the treadmill, anyone?Logic According to Ushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16065031173617415132noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3180967145908760085.post-29700286674405995852011-03-18T09:27:00.000-07:002011-03-18T09:27:50.029-07:00Bible Translations for Jesus' Children: Homelessness and InheritanceToday's Bible verse is about everyone's two favorite people, dear old Mom and Dad...<br />
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<center><img src="http://i1180.photobucket.com/albums/x411/logicaccordingtous/Picture2.png" /></center><br />
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Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you <br />
Exodus 20:12<br />
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Honor you father and your mother: Don't be a bitch to the people the created and/or raised you<br />
so that you may live long in the land: so that you'll never have to fear being homeless with their house as an LAST resort<br />
the LORD your God is giving you: and you'll get their inheritance<br />
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Previous Bible Translations for Jesus' Children<br />
3/17/2011 - <a href="http://logicaccordingtous.blogspot.com/2011/03/bible-translations-for-jesus-children_17.html">Kanye West and Winos </a><br />
3/16/2011 - <a href="http://logicaccordingtous.blogspot.com/2011/03/bible-translations-for-jesus-children.html">Drug Dealers </a><br />
3/15/2011 - <a href="http://logicaccordingtous.blogspot.com/2011/03/bible-translations-for-jesus-children_16.html">The Police </a>Logic According to Ushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16065031173617415132noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3180967145908760085.post-54709433049159325422011-03-17T20:06:00.000-07:002011-03-17T22:39:12.691-07:00How To: Have the Perfect One Night StandNote: Once you've mastered this, you might want to give <a href="http://logicaccordingtous.blogspot.com/2011/03/train-olympiwrecks-one-night-stand.html">The Train Olympwrecks event, "The Morning After,"</a> a try.<br />
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Ah, the One Night Stand. The ONS. That one-time-only hot* tryst with a hot** stranger. Deep down, everyone wants to have a one night stand-- just (at least) one, just to try it, much like weed. Also, like weed, there is a high likelihood that you'll love it and keep coming back for more, BUT only if you get the good shit right up front. That's where we come in. Assuming everyone really does want the ONS, everyone also really does want to not feel like a huge slut when they wake up in the morning. One night stands are a great way to get exercise, raise your self-esteem and feel like a real, functioning member of American society, which, like it or not, now includes shit like "Jersey Shore." Aside from all that, a ONS is the perfect platform for you to get acrobatically dirrty.<br />
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">*drunk</span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">**drunk</span><br />
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As veterans of the ONS, one might say we've earned our Purple Hearts on the front lines. Here are the quintessential basics for a perfect, non-messy, un-sloppy One Night Stand.<br />
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First and foremost, you MUST meet this person randomly, out on the town; read: NOT at a party! The potential web of friendship at parties should be seen as a huge ONS cockblock***. Clearly, there is absolutely NO WAY you and your target can be introduced. How are you going to feel when your sweet friend Mary (like the virgin) asks where you and Tim went last night? Not cool. The best One Night Stands (the only kind if you ask us) are with complete strangers. Upon meeting your target ass (preferably at a public place where copious amounts of alcohol are being consumed) see if you can swiftly, stealthily look them up on your smartphone**** piece-of-shit Facebook app. You want NO MORE THAN two, totally random mutual friends. (Obviously, DO NOT add them. That would be an extremely amateur mistake.) Adversely, you can go the route of just not ever bothering to learn their name. (If you've got any sort of imagination, you should be able to come up with more creative things to yell out in bed. This is a fun way to incorporate your one-time-lover's race or ethnicity!)<br />
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">***if you're looking for a "Fuck Buddy" (someone you do more than once) parties are totally acceptable. Just know that all your mutual friends are going to know every detail of your sex.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">****if you're not a peasant</span><br />
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The second and final step is to make sure that the attraction is purely physical. We're talking, down-home, animalistic, National Geographic attraction*****. How in god's name are you going to feel after knowing your latest bedpost notch belongs to someone with the body of a god? Pretty goddamn good. Models, actors, athletes and trust fund babies (please don't literally fuck any babies) are just a few of the general ideal demographics. Moreover, the hotter the body, hopefully the lower the IQ. Like freshman girls getting "drunk" off non-alcoholic margarita mix, you may have to trick yourself into not wanting to date this person. It's hard to not want to go back for seconds if you are attracted to the body AND mind. What we're saying here is, hopefully your target is an idiot. Don't be afraid of aiming too high (too hot) though. Alcohol works wonders! (Especially in towns like Los Angeles where one witty comment is enough to make someone unzip their pants because brains are so hard to come by.) Buying your target a few tequila shots is as good as strapping the beer goggles on their pretty little face yourself.<br />
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">*****sorry to bring the image of saggy amazonian tits into your mind.</span><br />
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The formula is simple...<br />
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RANDOM STRANGER + HOT LOOKS = YOUR PERFECT ONE NIGHT STAND<br />
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Who said you'd never use math in the real world?<br />
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It works everytime! Now you can revisit this simple equation again and again, without seeming like a slut! See the beauty of it now? If no one knows about it, it's like it never happened. (Condoms help. Seriously.)<br />
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It's simple. It's easy. It's attainable. (It suddenly makes more sense why both of us got the "Inspirational" result on a personality test.)<br />
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Now, go get 'em, tigers!Logic According to Ushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16065031173617415132noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3180967145908760085.post-20038487399981811412011-03-17T16:20:00.000-07:002011-03-17T16:30:26.083-07:00Bible Translations for Jesus' Children: Kanye West and WinosBefore today's "Bible Translations for Jesus' Children," it's time to ease some potential confusion. Once upon a time, say, Albuquerque in 2008, both of your beloved authors survived some "near fatal" threats/actions that may or may not have been completely at their own hands. This was around the time that Kanye West (by "around the time", I mean it all happened in the last 10 years) survived a "near fatal" car accident. We dramatically jumped to conclusions (as we so often do) and decided/came to the divine realization that God JUST MIGHT have kept us alive because he (she, whatever) wanted the three of us (meaning Jordan, Lauren and Kanye West) to rewrite the Bible for the new millenia. That's right; we (including Kanye) are here to finish writing the bible. Also, it's important to point out that Lauren and I have known for a long time that Kanye West is a total and complete tool. (Read: this was two years before he "Kanye'd" Taylor Swift at the VMAs. We're not huge Taylor fans, so we're actually going to stand by that little outburst of his.) That's why its "Ft. Kanye West." We like to imagine him sulking in the corner while we get the credit for doing "God's Work" and he's billed third. Now for the real gem, your bible translation.<br />
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Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death. – Romans 8:1-2<br />
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Obviously, this beautiful verse is about enjoying your life to the fullest regardless of what some asshole says...<br />
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Therefore, there is now no condemnation: You are not in trouble<br />
for those who are in Christ Jesus,: for always getting drunk off wine.<br />
because through Christ Jesus,: Having a little too much wine<br />
the law of the Spirit of life: is essential from time to time when it comes to having fun.<br />
set me free from the law: So stop giving a fuck<br />
of sin and death: about going to hell or dying.<br />
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Previous Bible Translations for Jesus' Children<br />
3/16/2011 - <a href="http://logicaccordingtous.blogspot.com/2011/03/bible-translations-for-jesus-children.html"> Drug Dealers </a><br />
3/15/2011 - <a href="http://logicaccordingtous.blogspot.com/2011/03/bible-translations-for-jesus-children_16.html"> The Police </a>Logic According to Ushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16065031173617415132noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3180967145908760085.post-22993976237005333802011-03-17T07:01:00.000-07:002011-03-17T07:02:11.500-07:00Why You Need A Gay FriendMany men underestimate the value of having a gay friend. They can be a valuable addition to your group of friends. Gay guys not only know how to think like men but can also give you important insight into a woman's mind. Gays are an all but untapped resource when it comes to "The Wingman." They are more effective than the obsolete straight guy version and definitely now how to keep the party alive.<br />
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One thing we all see far too often is straight men that think all fags want them. Besides the fact that most of these guys are fucking ugly, it's generally not true. Don't get me wrong, lots of gay men want straight men. Have you ever wanted a lesbian? We are also not animals (no more than most men) and can generally control ourselves. Just try not to be too hot and don't flirt with us, we get confused easily. Imagine a hot chick that flirted with you constantly because she knows you want her. She does this (as do many a straight guy) to boost her own self esteem. Whenever you make a move though, she strongly reiterates that she just wants to be friends. Thats bitchy and YES, straight guys (dudes, or bros even) can be bitchy as well.<br />
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With the likes of Fred Phelps (and all republicans*) in the media constantly, homophobia is a real problem. With nothing scientific or factual to back me up, I'm making the assumption that it's the number one reason that straight guys don't have a queer friend. "I'm not a homophobe," you insist, "I just don't have anything in common with them." Well my friend, you are a homophobe. Sorry about the name calling but don't make the assumption that all gay men want to wear glitter and talk about butt sex. I find both of these to be incredibly disgusting, at least in public. Ultimately, I think most guys are scared off by gay boys because they know how little self control they have themselves. Give yourself a little more credit.<br />
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">*yes, this is includes log cabin republicans</span><br />
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Look at the positives there are to having a gay friend. Gay men are notorious for having hot female friends. It's clear that we know what makes a girl hot, we just aren't into it ourselves. Don't think for one second that being associated with a queer will make you seem more queer. It actually just makes you MORE attractive to girls. You are understanding and open minded. She won't even have to worry about bringing her gay friend around you**.<br />
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">**Be extremely CAUTIOUS when introducing two gays to one another. Just like when introducing dogs, it's best to allow them to meet in neutral terrority and keep them under control (no hard liquor or cocaine beforehand)</span><br />
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Many men have discovered the beauty of going to gay clubs to get laid. The women there are hot and have their guard down because they don't think anyone is going to hit on them. Obviously, they're wrong. You can totally be that guy. This is an especially easy move to make if both of your respective fags are shirtless and grinding on the dancefloor. Think of it like two stay at home moms whose children have befriended each other on the playground. <br />
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There are really too many benefits to having a gay friend to name. Just be careful when selecting your new friend as they can be slightly hard to shake. Make sure you stop saying "that's so gay" before you begin your search. Last but not least, it's okay for gays to scream things like "fucking faggot" when we have road rage but it will NEVER be okay for you to say. (It's our "N word")Logic According to Ushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16065031173617415132noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3180967145908760085.post-73078793662350654672011-03-16T19:49:00.000-07:002011-03-16T20:41:50.652-07:00How To Be: Classy as Shit(Lauren's response to <a href="http://logicaccordingtous.blogspot.com/2011/03/how-to-be-fierce-as-fuck.html">"How To Be: Fierce as Fuck"</a>)<br />
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Class, class, class. Will Ferrel reminds San Diego to "Stay Classy." Lauren Bacall has an <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cu66EDMxAbI">ad on YouTube</a> for instant coffee (trash) to this day. Being classy is not a state of mind, being classy is, frankly, a way of being. Class does not limit your actions but it is defined by your reactions. Paris Hilton has an extensive criminal record, a sex tape and obnoxiously gold-framed portraits of herself covering every wall in her home.* Ask anyone, though: she is one classy bitch. Being classy is the way you hold your Natty Lite with your pinky finger out. Being classy is the way you react to your phone being hacked and your sexy naked pictured being leaked all over the internet with poise, like Rihanna or Vanessa Hudgens (who got to fuck Efron for a year, by the way). Being classy is the way you react to being the victim of violence (whether at the hands of the Vegas PD or Chris Brown) over an interview with Barbara Walters**. Being classy is having unrealistic standards for potential lovers... and finding/fucking these symbolic unicorns. (Hint: they're male models). Class isn't for everyone. People who scream at their brother/husband our of their trailer and throw fried chicken to make a point aren't, per se, groomed for class. However, that's never stopped them from calling themselves things like "Redneck Princess." Class is a way of silent passive aggression. Class is never talking badly about someone behind their back*** (unless it's someone you've slept with.) Class is being able to black out at a party and have people wonder if you've even been drinking. Class is being able to wear cashmere from Ross and make it look like a million bucks. Class is being able to curse like a sailor while sitting daintily and leaving everyone wondering if you are a distant relative of Jackie O. Class is walking into a crowded room and turning the crowd into your audience. Being classy as shit isn't something that one can learn, it's the way you let yourself be.<br />
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">*Don't ask me how I know this, but trust me, I do.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">**Barb is a quintessential classy lady</span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">***Or doing it directly to their face and having them feel priviledged to hear your "feedback"</span><br />
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A wise man once said "being classy is the best revenge." "I'm not out for revenge," you say. Good. Neither am I. But if you're out painting the town red like your lips, you're bound to round up a group of jealous haters. This is a sign of being a classy, classy bitch. Cheers, from my glass or Rosé to yours.Logic According to Ushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16065031173617415132noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3180967145908760085.post-35246802698165050422011-03-16T19:03:00.000-07:002011-03-16T20:48:02.106-07:00The Train Olympwrecks: The Morning AfterAnother new regular feature coming to Logic According to Us is the "Train Olympwrecks." In each post, we feature a new event, ripe for competition. We encourage you to compete and post your times. Thanks to factors like tolerance, altitude, willingness to blackout and accidental practice experiments in these events, it really is anyone's game. Please note that all contestants are on the honor system as far as their drug and alcohol use. In the opposite tradition from most popular sports, drug use is not only encouraged, it's required.<br />
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">Facebook doesn't like this photo. Fuck you, Zuckerberg.</span></center><br />
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EVENT #1: THE MORNING AFTER<br />
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Before the event: <br />
1. In order to compete in this event, your date/someone hot you met at the bar MUST get you sloppy drunk/drugged. If you are a more independent competitor, it is your responsibility to drink far too much. The recreational drugs you do or do not chose to include is at your own discretion. Choose wisely.<br />
2. You MUST go home with someone (whos name you should not know), otherwise you are automatically disqualified. You must reach the point of sloppy, hot mess drunk before you leave to your stranger's home. (*NOTICE* you are not allowed to bring said person to YOUR PLACE!) Once you are in their bedroom, fling all your clothing and belongings all over their home when you get there and then pass out. Keep in mind you do not have to sleep with this person (though it is both endorsed and encouraged) but you do have to wake up naked somehow physically entangled with this person (i.e. your arm under the other person, them spooning you, etc). It is a CRUCIAL REQUIREMENT that you NOT WAKE THIS PERSON ONCE YOU BEGIN THE COMPETITION!<br />
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The Event Begins:<br />
The moment your eyes flutter open, the clock starts.<br />
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1. You must untangle yourself from your stranger and swiftly get out of their bed without waking them.<br />
2. You must find your shoes, socks, underwear, pants, shirt, keys, wallet, purse, phone and any other miscellaneous items you may have like an ipod or a scarf.<br />
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Once you're out the door, the clock stops.<br />
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BONUS POINTS are awarded for walking out the door wearing every item of your clothing correctly. (Read: it is possible for you to throw your underwear, socks and bra in your purse or just carry whatever shit you don't immediately need to avoid a public indecency ticket on your way home.)<br />
BONUS POINTS are also awarded if you wake up drunk still and complete the tasks correctly.<br />
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YOU WILL LOSE POINTS IF:<br />
-You wake any residents of the home, including your stranger and any of their potential roommates/spouse/kids etc.<br />
-You leave anything behind. The more valuable/personal the item, the greater the deduction. (This is NOT the time to try and pull the "Classic Leave-Behind")<br />
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Good luck and use a condom! Seriously, we encourage you to post your times, just be safe.Logic According to Ushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16065031173617415132noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3180967145908760085.post-35219110375732126262011-03-16T18:39:00.000-07:002011-03-16T18:43:05.782-07:00Bible Translations for Jesus' Children: Drug DealersIt's that time again, Bible Translations for Jesus' Children: Drug Dealers<br />
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The tempter came to him and said, “If you are the Son of God, tell these stones to become bread.”<br />
--Matthew 4:3-4<br />
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Obviously this verse is about drug use. Let's break it down...<br />
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The tempter: The drug dealer<br />
came to him: Went out of his way to meet his customer<br />
and said,: and either said out loud or sent a text<br />
"If you are the Son of God: If you're not a cop<br />
tell these stones: pay me X amount of money<br />
to become bread": and i will turn your money into drugs<br />
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Previous Bible Translations for Jesus' Children...<br />
<a href="http://logicaccordingtous.blogspot.com/2011/03/bible-translations-for-jesus-children.html">The Police 03/15/2011</a>Logic According to Ushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16065031173617415132noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3180967145908760085.post-90733368657201144852011-03-15T16:08:00.000-07:002011-03-16T18:42:31.792-07:00Bible Translations For Jesus' Children: The PoliceThe Bible can be confusing. Everyone takes what works from them and ignores the rest of it. How can you know whats right? Going to church? No, thats just another person making their own interpretation. "Bible translations for Jesus' children" is going to become a regular thing on Logic According to Us. You are probably wondering who the hell we think we are to be able to say that after centuries, we are the first people to actually understand it. It won't be long until you get it though. If you are just going to take what you want from the Bible, you might as well just take the fun parts. Think of us as the opposite of Catholics.<br />
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Today's verse is...<br />
Restore us, O God Almighty; make your face shine upon us, that we may be saved. <br />
<div style="text-align: right;">- Psalm 80:7 </div><br />
<strong>Clearly this verse is about the police. Let's break it down...</strong><br />
Restore us: Restore my criminal record so I can still get a job. <br />
O God Almighty: Seriously God, I know we don't talk a lot, but we're still cool, right?<br />
Make your face shine upon us: Please distract the cops with a blinding light as I run from them<br />
That we may be saved: I really don't want to go to jail.Logic According to Ushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16065031173617415132noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3180967145908760085.post-72034619927749898162011-03-15T10:45:00.001-07:002011-03-28T18:34:09.937-07:00How to Be: Fierce as Fuck<span lang=""><br />
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I'm sure we've all heard the saying "happiness isn't having what you want, its wanting what you have." The same goes with being fierce. Being fierce doesn't entail winning a Grammy like Beyonce, designing for Posh Spice like Christian Siriano or having two TV shows like Tyra. Take it from someone who drives a baby blue Buick from the early 90's. This car's blinkers don't blink, the driver side door doesn't open and there is no way to play music in it short of listening to your ipod but I've earned the nickname "Sire Fierce." Ferocity (as I like to call it) comes from knowing how fuckin' fierce you actually are. It comes from the way you roll your eyes or sharply exhale when annoyed. It comes from always looking like you are walking down a goddamn runway without even trying. It comes from always having the bitchy retort to any comment. Being fierce isn't for everyone but don't think you need to drive a G Wagon to be fierce. It can't be bought but it can be learned. People who are fierce statistically (okay, this is made up) get jobs over people who aren't fierce, make more money and get arrested less. So it's pretty important to be fierce. This is especially true since, you can be broke, homeless and 95 years old but if you are playing your cards right, people will still want to be you. So tomorrow, wake up in the morning feeling like Beyonce and go make shit happen. </span><br />
*It has been brought to my attention that Fierce people do not get arrested less, they actually get arrested more. Never fear though, fierce people generally get their charges dropped.Logic According to Ushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16065031173617415132noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3180967145908760085.post-59728647705293598212011-03-14T13:55:00.000-07:002011-03-16T20:49:41.127-07:00How to: Be a Financial AllStar<div style="text-align: left;">We have goals for the future. We each want to have a nice house, a new car, fancy furniture, lots of electronics and maybe a personal assistant or two. We are also willing to bet you want these things too. You might think that "money doesn't buy happiness." Good for you but, in this clusterfuck day and age, you're wrong. We are 100% confident that anyone who has ever uttered those words has accepted the cruel fate of, at best, middle class (or has a job doing something they truly love. Yoga teaching, anyone?) You might think that people who have nice things actually paid for them out of pocket but, again, you are probably totally wrong. You need to realize that the reason people have nice shit is because someone else paid for it. No one wants to break their back trying to support their family AND have nice things. That is what makes having great credit vital, especially when the economy we live in is a bigger trainwreck than us on Fat Tuesday (or any given Thursday, Friday or Saturday night.)</div><br />
We are in no way a financial genius or even semi-competent at living in today's society. Luckily, the fact of the matter doesn't actually matter. We refuse to give up on having a life surrounded by lots of money (Scrooge McDuck anyone?) and that is what makes us the most qualified people to fix this crisis. (Blow us, Suze Orman.) Desperation is key. We truly have discovered the trick to fixing the bullshit mess that the American economy, credit card companies and credit lenders have converged to become. Pay close attention because we can't do it without YOU!<br />
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">Please note that this plan is a complete and total resolution to the problem and not an overnight fix. Martin Luther King said it best: Rome wasn't built in a day. If you are the kind of person that wants an exchange for your phone 3 seconds into talking to technical support, read no futher. Actually, read on and stop being an ass.</span><br />
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For starters, it's essential to play lenders' and collectors' games. If they are going to harass you about getting "their money," why not do the same? To be fair, you probably never had the money their panties are in a bunch over in the first place, so who are they to try and collect money that was never yours nor theirs? This brings us to an essential point: anytime you have the opportunity to get money from someone else (read: are offered some sort of loan or credit card), take it. Sure, having your credit checked will hurt your score, but who cares? Not you! Be persistent. There will always be a big enough idiot out there to give you money. Say, for example, your lesbian friend drags you along to Home Depot. Even though you've never wanted to purchase anything here, you've made the adult decision that you simply can not live without a 500 pack of neon colored zipties. Don't let yourself talk yourself out of this purchase. Moreover, when you make said idiotic purchase, incquire about a Home Depot credit card. If they approve you, obviously your next move is to buy more stupid shit that you will never, ever 'need' but can easily rationalize purchasing. Paint your whole house, upgrade your appliances even though the closest you get to cooking is getting stoned and watching the Food Network, buy an outdoor heater even though you live in an apartment. Fuck it, the possibilties are endless. Go wild.<br />
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The next step is to never ever pay your bills. Like "The Secret" says, 'pretend your bills are checks in the mail.' (If you were getting checks from Time Warner Cable, you sure as shit wouldn't send Time Warner Cable money back, right?) That said, it's best if you aren't the only one doing this. Try to convince your friends and family to stop paying their bills too. Make it into a "Pay It Forward" sort of thing. If every one of us can convince 3 people to stop paying their bills, who in turn, convince 3 more people to stop paying their bills, we are on the right track. As monetary idiots, we're all familiar with the concept of pyramid schemes. What we're saying here is that we need to band together to help everyone screw up their credit. Your 320 credit score will stop looking so ugly once all the scores plummet to the 300s.* If we can get the median to drop down to the mid 300s there is no longer a problem. Suddenly you don't seem like such a fuck-up.<br />
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">*Like the semi-attractive girl who brings out all of her ugly friends, thus becoming "the hot girl"</span><br />
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As a united front, we need to keep looking for opportunities to stick it to these bastards**. Make sure you do everything in your power to cost collectors at least as much time and money as they are trying to get out of you, if not more. Make it habit to always answer the phone when creditors call. For the sake of efficiency, change your ring back tone to the most obnoxious song you can find so you can start annoying them before you've even said "hello." Drag these phone calls out as long as possible. Assuming that these collectors are only making about $10 dollars an hour, you need to waste at least 100 hours on them. If you aren't creative enough to kill that much time, trying busting out the Twilight series or SkyMall and just read it to them. However, neither one of us really has that kind of time and by that we mean we don't really have that kind of attention span.<br />
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">**People that understand that giving me $1,000 and expecting me to pay back is a terrible idea</span><br />
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So what else can we do? If you can be a big enough ass to get one employee to quit, you have made a huge stride in screwing with this company***. The half assed google search that I've completed tells me it costs about $4,800 to hire and train a new call center employee. If at this point you start feeling like a terrible person, keep in mind that you pay taxes. You've probably already paid these companies. If anything, they owe you money. Don't stop there though, get as many employees as possible to quit. You can go ahead and stop once someone that was hired as a result of you getting someone else to quit resigns. I have no clue how you'll know this and you will probably be blacklisted from calling in before that happens, so take this as far as your short attention span allows.<br />
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">***Now, to be clear, we do not support mistreating employees who are just trying to make ends meet but this is one situation where it's in your best interest to get creative. Also, call us crazy, but quitting a shitty call center job is probably a huge blessing (potentially not even in disguise)</span><br />
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We admit, these tips aren't going to fix your problems over night. A much easier fix, as previously mentioned, is to have someone else pay for all of your shit for you. Now, creepy old guys will ALWAYS be on the lookout for some baby bimbo to spoil rotten/have suck them off. Call us crazy, but this is gross. Anna Nicole Smith would agree if she wasn't dead. No. We are here once and for all to put an end to this poppycock. Being "shallow" is really just a bitchy term ugly people put on those of us who have insanely high standards/aren't blind/know that someone's sparking personality isn't enough to make us want to passionately jump their bones. Don't hate. Beggars can't be choosers. For example, one of us ate blueberries and soy milk for breakfast, hiked 20+ miles in the past week and teaches yoga for christ sake. Being "hot" isn't always "easy" but it IS definitely always worth it. Obviously it's in everyone's best interest to get married. Clearly, the target has perfect credit and, thus, as someone with prefect credit, we can assume that they play by the rules. This means one thing: charming, young, hot things are IRRESISTIBLE to them. Everyone wins here. As hot young things we acknowledge that we totally deserve to be married**** and the older "daddy" type clearly believes that, with their lifelong history of obeying rules and paying bills, they deserve nothing less than a barely-legal hottie to be at their beck and call.*****<br />
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">****Remember, divorce is ALWAYS an option<br />
*****Do small shit like "cook" frozen Trader Joes entrees or give half-assed back massages</span><br />
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<div style="text-align: left;"> The moral of this scientific, factual article: In the process of creditors collecting losses from you, cause even more losses for the company. Marry rich. Actually, don't do that either, your credit will screw theirs up too. Just get someone rich to get you pregnant. There we go. Problem solved. Now what to do with this baby...</div>Logic According to Ushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16065031173617415132noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3180967145908760085.post-39075813129645332412011-03-14T00:05:00.000-07:002011-03-17T07:20:06.959-07:00How to be a Fantastic Employee<span style="font-size: x-small;">(another repost from</span> <a href="http://thedailysmut.tumblr.com/">The Daily Smut</a>. <span style="font-size: x-small;">This one is timeless.)</span><br />
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<div class="content" sizcache="1" sizset="1"><div class="fixcap" sizcache="1" sizset="1">Day before yesterday I celebrated* my 1-year anniversary working for this company— and yes, I am absolutely counting the 3+ months I was off after I quit. This milestone, having nothing to do with my career or anything I happen to give a flying fuck about in this life, got me thinking, and, as I so often do, I came to an abrupt conclusion: I am a fucking fantastic employee.</div><div class="fixcap" sizcache="1" sizset="1"><br />
</div><div sizcache="1" sizset="2"><span style="font-size: x-small;"> *Celebrated in the way that you celebrate the anniversary of your lover’s tragic death </span></div><div sizcache="1" sizset="2"><br />
</div><div sizcache="1" sizset="3">The Daily Smut is clearly about making life better. What information could possibly be more helpful in leading a happy, fulfilling existence than strict guidelines insuring one’s employment? This guide to being a fantastic employee is essentially a more useful version of The Secret’s chapter on Abundance and Wealth. So, let’s take it from the top.When starting a new job (or checking yourself before you’re wrecking yourself with your current gig), the following are a few <strong>talents</strong> you want to have mastered right out of the gate. </div><div sizcache="1" sizset="3"><br />
</div><div sizcache="1" sizset="4">As a fantastic employee, you should be able to:</div><div sizcache="1" sizset="5"><strong>1. Appropriately gage everyone’s Give-A-Fuck (GAF) Level.</strong> <em> GAF level gaging is the single most important skill one should hope to master in this lifetime.</em> If you can accurately gage someone’s Give-A-Fuck Level, you’ll be able to exceed in every aspect of your relationship with the person. For example, if you read your new co-workers GAF level as Very Low or Nonexistent (which is ideal), you will be able to not only make a new friend but take 45-minute 10-minute breaks while said coworker covers for you and, clearly, you’ll return the favor. This also goes both ways, however. If you judge a customer’s GAF level as Low and proceed to treat them as such (i.e. keeping it real, cursing, admitting that you have no idea how much that item is supposed to cost) when in reality their GAF level is High, you may have fucked yourself. <em>Never underestimate the destructive power of someone who Gives a Fuck.</em> This customer may report you to their friend, The Owner; they may call and file a formal complaint; they may make an offhand comment to your manager about your horrendous customer service. YOU MUST LEARN THIS SKILL. Practice makes perfect.</div><div sizcache="1" sizset="6"><br />
</div><div sizcache="1" sizset="6"><strong>2. Accurately (if not slightly under-) Expressing Your OWN Give-A-Fuck (GAF) Level </strong>There are many effective ways to communicate your personal GAF level. Now, ideally, your GAF level at work is non-existent (if not very, very low). One of my favorite ways to express how much of a fuck I absolutely don’t give is with my <strong>CLOTHES.</strong> You should aim for your outfit to say “while I’m technically in workplace-appropriate attire, I’m <em>just </em>showing up.” This ranges from workplace to workplace. </div><div sizcache="1" sizset="7"><br />
</div><div sizcache="1" sizset="7"><strong>Scenario #1</strong> When working at a “hip” “cool” retail store that asks you to look “fashionable and casual,” obviously your target outfit would absolutely butcher and rape the term “casual chic”; think spandex leggings, ballet flats, a tank top and a scarf if female; aim for as much flannel and jersey material as possible if you’re male. The main goal in this setting is to come as close to straight-up wearing pajamas as humanly possible without actually rocking sweatpants. It should also go without saying that in this scenario, you are absolutely not allowed to comb or brush your hair. (Teasing your hair is totally acceptable)</div><div sizcache="1" sizset="8"><br />
</div><div sizcache="1" sizset="8"><strong>Scenario #2 </strong>When working at “upscale” “classy” retail or office locations, you are STILL communicating the <em>same </em>GAF level as in Scenario #1, but in this instance you must do it with a little more finesse (and possibly a dash of prescription pills). If your company has requested that you look “elegant” or wear “business attire” to work, your assignment is this: Push the envelope whereever possible. Wearing a classy dress, stockings and heels? I hope that dress is just a little <em>too</em> short. Blazer and dress slacks? There best be some mufukn cleavage happening. Wearing pressed linen pants and a cashmere sweater? Fuck it— go flip-flops. Flawless ensemble? Throw on a necklace that’s obviously missing a jewel. Men: un-tuck your shirttails whenever possible; tie your tie a little fucked-up; make sure your shirt is kinda tastelessly wrinkled.</div><div sizcache="1" sizset="9"><br />
</div><div sizcache="1" sizset="9"><strong>Scenario #3 </strong>When working in a uniformed environment— from Burger King to The Army to The Chippendales— the ridiculous nature of your uniform will more than redeem itself when you realize how easy it is to make it clear that you don’t Give-A-Fuck with your outfit. Even the slightest “error” will make your shitty costume stick out like a sore thumb from the rest of your troupe. Nametag? Pin it on crooked (or not at all). Belt Required? Wear black instead of the mandated brown. Navy Blue Shirt? Robin’s Egg Blue Shirt. Shined Shoes? Or not. Hat? To da back. </div><div sizcache="1" sizset="10">Aside from your clothes, other popular ways to express how much of a fuck you don’t give include not editing your eye-rolls, always chewing gum/eating, refusal to take off your sunglasses inside, and <strong>remember: reeking of booze and/or marijuana is always a nice touch.</strong> </div><div sizcache="1" sizset="11"><br />
</div><div sizcache="1" sizset="11">Once you’re assesed and expressed Compay GAF levels, you should be in pretty good standing at work. </div><div sizcache="1" sizset="12"><br />
</div><div sizcache="1" sizset="12">Assuming you’ve mastered the art of GAF Gaging, you’ll want to: </div><div sizcache="1" sizset="13"><br />
</div><div sizcache="1" sizset="13"><strong>Know Your Surroundings.</strong> </div><div sizcache="1" sizset="14">-<em>You must be aware of a few things</em>: Are there cameras? If so, you’ll have to use your intuition to develop a texting-method that will go unnoticed by any asshole monitoring you. If you have internet available, you should know, without a doubt, whether your history is closely monitored, if you can simply delete your history, or if you’ve just got total free reign to facebook chat and jerk off to amateur porn. If you work on the phone, are your calls monitored? If you have products in the workplace, know what’s up with inventory. Is inventory spot on? Is inventory a shitstorm? If it’s the latter combined with the lack of security cameras, take shit. Basically it’s in your best interest to know just how tight of a ship your bosses are really running.</div><div sizcache="1" sizset="14"><br />
</div><div sizcache="1" sizset="15">-<em>Know your body and know what you need to stay healthy</em>. Is there a Starbucks or Coffee Bean closeby? If not, how the fuck are you going to get your caffene? You may want too consider bringing cocaine or other miscellaneous uppers with you. If you smoke weed, do you have an alley to blaze in? Or are you forced to find a coworker with a low GAF level to smoke in their car? Or are you in Hollywood where you can just light up on the sidewalk? Things you should be aware of (if not know off-hand): Closest drug dealer to your work location, closest booty call to your work location, closest place you can go to just fuck away some time while still on-the-clock. </div><div sizcache="1" sizset="15"><br />
</div><div sizcache="1" sizset="16"><strong>SET THE BAR LOW.</strong>When considering a job (NOT a career), it pretty much goes without saying that it is, without a doubt, in your best interest to <strong>set the bar </strong><em>as low as possible from day one.</em><strong>—Rarely Be “On Time.”</strong> When starting at a new job, it is essential that right off the bat you establish that being “on-time” is not going to be something you make a habit. Ideally, your first day on the job comes with some sort of gigantic morning obstacle: for example, my first day with this company (exactly a year and a day ago, ugh) began with me going outside to my Jeep to find the passenger window smashed, my ipod stolen and shattered glass chards all over the fucking place. By the time I showed up for my new job — fashionable late — everyone was far too preoccupied with my horrific story to notice I was late on any level but their subconscious.</div><div sizcache="1" sizset="17"><br />
</div><div sizcache="1" sizset="17">ALWAYS ON TIME + late once = IN TROUBLE</div><div sizcache="1" sizset="18">ALWAYS LATE + on time once = SHINING STAR</div><div sizcache="1" sizset="19">ALWAYS LATE + late = STILL JUST HAPPY YOU SHOWED UP</div><div sizcache="1" sizset="20"><br />
</div><div sizcache="1" sizset="20"><strong>—Never Raise the Bar. </strong>I want to be rewarded on the off-chance that I actually do something that falls under my job description, not repremanded for not doing it. The key to this skill is to master the Art of Kissing Ass. If you can kiss your work superiors’ asses to their liking, you really won’t be expected to do a god damn thing wrong. <strong>Say that you care more than you do.</strong> If you can talk the talk, they’re not going to waste their time monitoring whether or not you actually walk the walk. <strong>Be all talk and no action.</strong> <em>You have to mesh your zero GAF aura with blatant lies and ass-kissing, creating the illusion to your bosses that you DO, in fact, Give-A-Fuck. </em></div><div sizcache="1" sizset="21"><br />
</div><div sizcache="1" sizset="21"><strong>—Balance Your Efforts. </strong>With all the time spent not doing your job, you should have ample time to make yourself seem like you’re going above-and-beyond. While doing not your job, try and find some small, easy, effortless task for which no one else is officially responsible and do it. IMPORTANT: When doing this, you <em>must</em> make a gigantic, huge fucking deal about it to ensure that every single work superior you have notices your [highly strategic] move. </div><div sizcache="1" sizset="22"><br />
</div><div sizcache="1" sizset="22"><strong>**Advanced Move**— using your drug & alcohol abuse to your advantage.</strong></div><div sizcache="1" sizset="23">When you show up disgustingly, ferociously hungover, instead of using your powers to conceal your physical state, get all up in everyone’s grill about it. Make a huge deal out of how much of a goof employee you are by showing up. Examples:”I am so fucking hungover I could die! I feel like death! Yet here I am.”“I ate 4 weed brownies yet here I am.”“I was up untl 7am blown out on cocaine, slept for 2 hours, and yet here I am.”</div><div sizcache="1" sizset="23"><br />
<strong>GENERAL WORKPLACE TIPS</strong></div><div sizcache="1" sizset="24"><br />
</div><div sizcache="1" sizset="24"><strong>-Try to get coworkers into as many compromising situiations as possible. </strong>This creates bonds. Also it </div><div sizcache="1" sizset="24">possibly creates blackmail. Take your coworkers out for a night on the town, blacking out on vodka, snorting your faces off, murdering a hooker, etc. Extra points if you document on facebook.</div><div sizcache="1" sizset="25"><br />
</div><div sizcache="1" sizset="25"><strong>-Know how to make simple tasks take all day. </strong>You could re-merchandise the whole store in 45 minutes, but then what the fuck are you supposed to to for the remaining 7 hours and 15 minutes? More work? </div><div sizcache="1" sizset="26"><br />
</div><div sizcache="1" sizset="26"><strong>-Make Alliances </strong>with coworkers, work superiors, your bosses and even the fucking owner. If you’re on everybody’s team (which you’re able to do because you don’t Give-A-Fuck about anything work related — drama included) then you’re never the target. If there are security guards or Mexicans who do manual labor, you definitely want to be homies with them (security camera leniency + on-the-clock Tecates)</div><div sizcache="1" sizset="27"><br />
</div><div sizcache="1" sizset="27"><strong>-If you can’t Not Give-A-Fuck, learn to disguise and repress your emotions. </strong>See “Passive Aggression” below.</div><div sizcache="1" sizset="28"><br />
</div><div sizcache="1" sizset="28"><strong>-Locate the Enemies & Work Drama. </strong>Infiltrate them in anyway possible. Learn their deepest darkest secrets either from them or from someone who hates them. Store these secrets, you may one day need to use they as ammo.</div><div sizcache="1" sizset="29"><br />
</div><div sizcache="1" sizset="29">-<strong>Learn to lie well.</strong></div><div sizcache="1" sizset="30"><br />
</div><div sizcache="1" sizset="30"><strong>-Passive Aggression is key to all successful employees.</strong> Learn to take out your rage or disdain for people passively. Is that cunt at work off as soon as you show up? Be late, obviously. Don’t work on commission? Try selling NOTHING. All day.</div><div sizcache="1" sizset="31"><br />
</div><div sizcache="1" sizset="31"><strong>-Never assume people are going to notice your hard work.</strong> Not that you should work hard regularly, but if you ever do (probably by accident) make sure EVERYONE knows.</div><div sizcache="1" sizset="32"><br />
</div><div sizcache="1" sizset="32"><strong>-Keep your eyes open for opportunities.</strong> Holiday potluck? Here’s your chance to be an hour late because you had to bring chips. If you really want to be the hero, try calling (preferably around the time you’d be 55 minutes late) and offer to bring forks and plates or whatever the fuck these other assholes forgot. Manager on vacation? Your workday just got shorter. Christmas Sale? Drunk on the sales floor. Have a dressing room? Someone’s taking naps all day. The world is your oyster. </div><div sizcache="1" sizset="33"><br />
</div><div sizcache="1" sizset="33"><strong>MASTERING THE ART OF CUSTOMER SERVICE</strong></div><div sizcache="1" sizset="34"><br />
</div><div sizcache="1" sizset="34">Regardless of the propaganda your employers may have been feeding you, <strong>the actual</strong> <em>goal of “Customer Service” is to leave the customer with zero expecations for you and/or the company while simultaneously leaving them feeling like you bent-over backwards for them. </em> <em>NOTE: Customer service policies differ greatly between Retail/Food Service jobs and Phone Service jobs.</em></div><div sizcache="1" sizset="35"><br />
</div><div sizcache="1" sizset="35"><strong>SOME NOTABLE DIFFERENCES:<br />
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Retail/Restaurant: </strong>You want your customer to have a general comprehension of how low your Give-A-Fuck level is immediately. Let’s use me and my phenominal customer service skills as real life examples:Classy The Waitress: “Look, guys, the service industry is not my forte, so if I fuck up your order or leave you waiting like 30 minutes from an iced-tea refill…. sorry in advance.”<em>Believe it or not, people ate this shit up! They thought I was kidding! (until they actually had to wait 30 minutes for their iced-tea refill, in which case they still can’t be upset because they were given a clear, fair warning)</em>Classy The CounterGirl (responding to a customer’s inquiry as to whether they could touch something): “See that threshhold?” (points to door) “Once I pass through those doors, I’ve designated this room as a No-Give-A-Fuck Zone… so sure, touch whatever you want. I don’t give a fuck.”</div><div sizcache="1" sizset="36"><br />
</div><div sizcache="1" sizset="36"><strong>Call Center:</strong> Obviously the aformentioned methods would not work so well in this industry— in retail you can be as bitchy as you want because those nasty comments never have to be heard again. (Boss “alright Classy, let’s review that phone call……….”). On the phone, your customer service goal is still to leave the customer confused as to whether or not they’re actually satisfied, but you must challenge yourself to do it in a creative, passive aggressive way, which can be very fun for you!</div><div sizcache="1" sizset="37"><br />
</div><div sizcache="1" sizset="37"><strong>A few pointers for call-center soldiers (from Sire Fierce):</strong></div><div sizcache="1" sizset="38">-Be so nice that you’re bitchy.</div><div sizcache="1" sizset="39">-Always be one step ahead of your customer’s intelligence level. This ensures that you’ll get all the satisfaction of speaking your snarky, sarcastic comments… but they will essentially fall on deaf ears.</div><div sizcache="1" sizset="40">-In the off-chance you misdiagnosed how stupid your customer is and they actually notice and comment on the fact that you’re being a little cunty, immediately retreat (“Sir, oh my goodness, no, that was absolutely not what I meant by that, I would never, EVER imply such a thing…”) and leave them feeling like they were actually the one being an asshole.</div><div sizcache="1" sizset="41">-When you get a call from a customer who is being an idiot, point out the obvious slowly and tediously, patronizing them whenever possible.</div><div sizcache="1" sizset="42">-Put a mild disclaimer in front of everything you do. For example: “If I troubleshoot this it <em>should </em>fix everything… <em>but</em> it might fuck shit up. Do you want me to go through with this?” Of course they do. That way, if shit gets fucked up, it’s not your fault. “Ma’am I said that shit could get fucked up and you asked me to go through with it, ma’am.”</div><div sizcache="1" sizset="43">-If you fuck up, NEVER admit it.</div><div sizcache="1" sizset="44"> **Please Note** If the customer is always right, then how come you are the one who’s had training? <strong>The customer is rarely right.</strong></div><div sizcache="1" sizset="45"><strong><br />
</strong><strong>GENERAL CUSTOMER SERVICE TIPS</strong></div><div sizcache="1" sizset="46"><br />
</div><div sizcache="1" sizset="46"><strong>-Do your best (without trying) to accurately gage the GAF level.</strong></div><div sizcache="1" sizset="47"><strong>-Over-use the term “Sir” or “Ma’am” whenever possible.</strong><strong>-If on the phone while a customer enters, do NOT acknowledge them.</strong></div><div sizcache="1" sizset="48"><strong>-Make sure customers are made to feel painfully awkward when approaching you.</strong></div><div sizcache="1" sizset="49"><strong>-If you’re doing something for a customer that’s totally within your job description, make a big deal about it and make them feel like you’ve gone totally out of your way for them, exhausting your will to live.</strong> </div><div sizcache="1" sizset="50"><br />
</div><div sizcache="1" sizset="50">Armed with the knowledge of these fool-proof tips, you should now be well on your way to being a fucking fantastic employee.<strong> </strong></div><div sizcache="1" sizset="50"><br />
</div><div sizcache="1" sizset="51"> <strong>That said, I hope this article pops up every single time I’m googled by a potential employer (for the rest of time)</strong><strong>.</strong></div></div>Logic According to Ushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16065031173617415132noreply@blogger.com0