Monday, April 4, 2011

How to: Outwit the Law

It's been a crazy week for us so, we've brought you something just as good as us. Here we have our first guest post. You can find this lady on Twitter, @Fellatia. Here she is with a gun...

Are you tired of the law looming over your shoulder like the prostitute that you forgot to pay, a nagging ex-lover, or the one night stand that had you rushing to the ER? By reading this tutorial your mind will be put at ease as you will have the confidence to face any likely encounter with the law. Follow along and you will be skipping down the court corridors in no time.

In the instance that you get pulled over, your best approach is to make the officer feel as though you are inherently unorganized. These simple gestures will help you evade the law step by step.

1. Prior to the officer approaching the window be sure that there is an insurmountable amount of paper, shoes, underwear, and cigarette cartons. This added chaos will be your saving grace.

2. Always have "ethnic tunes" readily available (Russian and or Arabic usually do the trick). The last thing the officer wants is to be labeled as a racist.

3. When asked for "license, registration and insurance", respond with "what does that look like". This makes the officer feel as though he is dealing with someone mentally inferior and adds a boost to his arbitrary ego.

4. Be as loud as possible when rummaging through your man-made mayhem. At this point the officer is getting impatient. Remember you are trying to inconvenience him as much as he is inconveniencing you.

5. If these four objectives have left you confused, don't fret, there is always opportunity for an immediate, simple rebuttal. Nothing screams louder than "I am broke and unemployed".


1. If you have a plethora of illegal substances, DO NOT GET RID OF IT. The last thing you want is for your hard earned "confidence enhancer" to become dust in the wind. Be kind to nature. It's fucking courtesy.

2. When the officer returns with your personal effects, like the rest of your things, toss it in a pile without a second thought. Bonus points if the officer is a witness to this outlandish behavior.

3. Paint them a vivid picture of "the haves and the have-nots". So what if you make 100K annually, be clear you are a have-not. We all know law enforcement was not genetically engineered for such intelligence; use this to your advantage.

From the highway to the courtroom our journey continues. We all have had traffic citations, parking tickets, and petty misdemeanors. In times like these, who has time for court appearances? Lawyers? Community service? You have more important things to be doing like enjoying free "bl**" from your favorite street pharmacist and/or being on the clock and not actually working.

1. When going into court for a suspended license be sure that you drive yourself, insist that you were not aware of this preposterous crime, and reiterate that you have been using public transportation since the incident in question. Furthermore allow for this orchestra to continue and leave the same way you came in (consistency is key).

2. Let's revisit this idea of inconvenience, be sure to reschedule your court date numerous times. This prolongs the process, confuses the officer and ultimately results in its’ dismissal.

3. What to do in the event of a fender bender/hit and run?
a. Be an honest Abe and leave a blank note underneath the windshield wiper. This lessens the tension that may have blossomed by the 20+ spectators and makes you look like a hero.
b. If you don't have a pen and paper, make the rational decision and drive away.

4. In the event of receiving community service as your court ordered punishment, here are a few things to keep in mind:
a. Know your surroundings and get to know your superiors. For example, offering to clean before it is suggested equates to you not lifting a damn finger.
b. If you are attractive and your dashing good looks didn't save you in the courtroom, they now come into play and will guarantee your lack of service to the community.

Well gentlemen and gentle ladies, I hope you found this lesson insightful and useful. You should now be able to venture behind the wheel (drunk or sober*) with the vivacious confidence of a white line. Life is a carnival; treat it as one.

*Seriously though, don't drive drunk. Jail and breathalyzers are a HUGE inconvenience.

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