Friday, May 27, 2011

Memorial Day Weekend: A Memorial

Memorial Day is rapidly approaching. We hope you've been starving yourself, subjecting yourself to skin cancer (or getting gross spray tans) and killing yourself at the gym just so you can feel sort of comfortable in your bathing suit this summer! Awesome! It's pool season! We love holidays and make a point of celebrating them all* We don't know about you, but we have absolutely no idea what the fuck "Memorial Day" is even for. We don't like not knowing. We do, however, love celebrating. So, in honor of this 2011 Memorial Day, here is a short, to-the-point list of things we'll miss over Summer '11.

*Lauren still has Stars of David hanging from her ceiling** from Channukkah (or however the fuck your spell it)

**Law of attraction-ing Jews, anyone?

Oprah - To be clear, we do not miss Oprah. Not at all. We do miss hating Oprah. Every weekday for the last 25 years, people around the globe have had an excuse to allow themselves to be completely engulfed in hatred for a solid afternoon hour. No other television show throughout time has made you appreciate the quality of commercials and we doubt another show ever will.***

***Except maybe anything with the Kardashians

Winter - If you haven't noticed, we love to bitch... and we love doing things that we love. The more reason we have to complain, the more we talk, the happier we are. With the weather so perfect right now, we'll just be sitting outside, getting a tan with a cocktail in our hand with nothing to complain about*****. How. Fucking. Boring. After we finish relaxing poolside, there will be nothing to do but frantically search for things to whine about and we really hate searching for things. The only thing left to complain about is the fact that we have nothing to complain about and we hate being redundant.

*****Maybe we should take up watching the Kardashians
Bin Laden - Don't get us wrong, we're glad he's dead. The thing is, we are really going to miss knowing that our country is as bad at finding things as we are. We suddenly feel much worse about misplacing our cell phones on an hourly basis. Our motto: When life gives you lemons, smoke weed and lose them. America's motto: When Afghanistan gives you lemons, bomb Iraq and deny the existence of lemons.

The Rapture - There was absolutely no way for things to go wrong if the Rapture happened. Either we go to Heaven and prove all those religious types wrong once and for all or we get to stay on Earth for a blow-out party until the world ends. Sure, demons would have been chewing off our faces but that doesn't matter so much when you've done so much blow you can't feel your face. Also, we were kind of excited to not have to hear anymore Christian radio.

Manly Men - Nowadays, even the manliest of men start their day by drinking a fucking shake they've made in the kitchen with a blender. Back in the day, manly men hunted and killed wild beasts by hand to get their protein. To top it all off, they did it without a drop of gel in their hair. However, who are we to say that cavemen had six packs? Because at the end of the day, we will never forget that it's what's on the outside that counts. Like an endangered species, manly men will not be able to flourish until, as a world united, everyone agrees to stop making/wearing/selling/buying any tight t-shirts bedazzled with rhinestones.

Yes, the fact that most of these things are gone is a great thing. With so many terrible things gone though, the curve has been altered. Now whats good isn't as good anymore. Don't get too down on yourself though, we're leaving you with a quick list of things to remind you how good life really is.

Maria Shriver just found out that The Governator has a 10 YEAR OLD LOVE CHILD. Suddenly, it really doesn't seem like a big deal that you're boyfiend of 2 months cheated on you.

Kim Kardashian is getting married. No matter what happens in life, you can always change the channel when "Kim and Kris" comes on.

A parade of idiocy is making a move for the Republican Presidential Nomination. We have another year and a half to watch them be morons without a moment of concern that one of them might actually win.

So, here we are, ringing in the Summer of 2011 with a smile, memorializing the atrocities of the past, cracking a cold beverage and cheers-ing to the less-bad goodness to come.

Also, a friendly reminder to do yourself a favor: don't wear a bathing suit if you don't look good in a bathing suit.

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