Thursday, March 17, 2011

Bible Translations for Jesus' Children: Kanye West and Winos

Before today's "Bible Translations for Jesus' Children," it's time to ease some potential confusion. Once upon a time, say, Albuquerque in 2008, both of your beloved authors survived some "near fatal" threats/actions that may or may not have been completely at their own hands. This was around the time that Kanye West (by "around the time", I mean it all happened in the last 10 years) survived a "near fatal" car accident. We dramatically jumped to conclusions (as we so often do) and decided/came to the divine realization that God JUST MIGHT have kept us alive because he (she, whatever) wanted the three of us (meaning Jordan, Lauren and Kanye West) to rewrite the Bible for the new millenia. That's right; we (including Kanye) are here to finish writing the bible.  Also, it's important to point out that Lauren and I have known for a long time that Kanye West is a total and complete tool. (Read: this was two years before he "Kanye'd" Taylor Swift at the VMAs.  We're not huge Taylor fans, so we're actually going to stand by that little outburst of his.)  That's why its "Ft. Kanye West." We like to imagine him sulking in the corner while we get the credit for doing "God's Work" and he's billed third. Now for the real gem, your bible translation.

Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death. – Romans 8:1-2

Obviously, this beautiful verse is about enjoying your life to the fullest regardless of what some asshole says...

Therefore, there is now no condemnation: You are not in trouble
for those who are in Christ Jesus,: for always getting drunk off wine.
because through Christ Jesus,: Having a little too much wine
the law of the Spirit of life: is essential from time to time when it comes to having fun.
set me free from the law: So stop giving a fuck
of sin and death: about going to hell or dying.

Previous Bible Translations for Jesus' Children
3/16/2011 - Drug Dealers
3/15/2011 - The Police

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