We've all had that night: your friends all turn into assholes, your lose something* and you drink entirely too much. God has granted us the serenity to know that we cannot change this, so accept it. Shitty nights happen, and they will continue to happen. Instead of fighting it, we here at Logic prefer remain one step ahead of fate. Why not take control of the situation and plan your worst night ever? What better than to turn it into a challenge** or a game***?
*wallet, phone, virginity, dignity, etc.
**for all the other competetive assholes like ourselves.
***for the other perpetual children who won't do anything unless it's for fun.
HOW TO HAVE THE WORST NIGHT EVER: A Scavenger Game
Our Logic scavenger games are a lot like life. The goal is to win (and, of course, cheating is always acceptable if you get away with it)
A night full of bad decisions starts with just one. In this case, it's the people you surround yourself with. If you hang out with....
+1 Drunk crying girl.
+1 Repressed homosexual who wants to fight.
+1 An ex that you still have feelings for/that still has feeling for you.*
-1 Designated driver.
-1 A caring, supportive friend.
-1 Anyone you actually like.
*These points do not count if you both still have feelings for each other. You guys are both sluts.
At this point it's time to starting drinking but all alcohol is not created equally.
+1 Whiskey and/or Tequila
+1 Four Loko
+1 Every time to you switch to a different alcohol
-1 Each glass of water*
-1 Anything that does not cause you to blackout before midnight.
-1 Every drink you have if the total at the end of the night is less than 7**.
*This includes before you went out. The goal here is to be dehydrated as fuck. Preferably, all you've eaten all day is a red bull and some doritos.
**Because it's wasteful and irresponsible to drink without the intention of forgetting. Trust us, if it's the worst night ever, you're going to want to forget.
Now that you are drunk with a bunch of assholes*, where do you go next?
*You better also be acting like an asshole.
+2 Just go. Anywhere. Who cares or knows where. These points are not applicable if you know where you are going.
+1 Going to a packed place where you know no one and have no way of getting home
+1 An after hours party with less than 3 people. (Example: 3 sketchy Russians in hoodies you met on Hollywood Blvd with a bottle of gin.)
+1 Going home with someone disgusting looking. (+2 if you have good sex.)
-1 Going home.
-1 Going to an awesome party.
-1 Going home with someone incredible looking. (-2 if you have good sex.)
It is impossible for you night to be as bad as it can be without a little recreational drug use.
+1 Acid. (+2 if you've never tried it)
+1 Every line of coke you do after the sun comes up. (If you use NyQuil to fall asleep as a result, these points are no longer valid.)
+1 Any combination of drugs that cost you more than 50% of your current checking account balance. (+2 for overdrafting your account to buy drugs)
-1 Every drug that's there that you don't do. (-2 if the drugs are directly offered to you. -3 if they're free.)
-1 Taking a tylenol before going to sleep.
-1 For having a really great high.
All good things must come to end and now it is time to go home. This is a perfect opportunity to go home with a stranger because you are too lazy to try to figure out home to get home.
+1 Walking (+2 for walking barefoot.)
+1 Taking the bus. (+2 if you have ask for money to take the bus.)
+1 Attempting to drive home drunk and getting a DUI. (-2 if you don't get caught. +2 for getting caught driving drunk because you crashed into something. +1 for each one thousand dollars worth of property damage you cause.)
-1 Taking a cab*.
-1 Getting home before 3 am.
-1 Getting home at all.
*Note: Cab rides can easily turn into positive points. +1 for taking a cab but not having enough money or losing your phone, wallet, or keys. +1 for everything you leave in the cab. +2 if you left behind personal belongings after not paying for the cab ride.
And, finally, no horrible night is complete without a horrible morning after.
+2 Only throwing up bile.
+1 Waking up to realize you've wet the bed. (+2 If you're not sleeping alone.)
+1 Waking up with a new tattoo.
-1 Throwing up.
-1 Being hungover to the point that you stay in bed until 5.
-1 Being afraid to check your bank account balance.
You've finally reached your goal. Blood, tears, drinks and drugs have been spilled. You might even have a new a STD (+1). Now you that you've gotten that out of the way, you can rest assured that you will never have a night as bad this one (and start looking to the future, to your upcoming court date.) You just had the worst night ever. Congratulations.
Showing posts with label drunk. Show all posts
Showing posts with label drunk. Show all posts
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Friday, May 27, 2011
Memorial Day Weekend: A Memorial
Memorial Day is rapidly approaching. We hope you've been starving yourself, subjecting yourself to skin cancer (or getting gross spray tans) and killing yourself at the gym just so you can feel sort of comfortable in your bathing suit this summer! Awesome! It's pool season! We love holidays and make a point of celebrating them all* We don't know about you, but we have absolutely no idea what the fuck "Memorial Day" is even for. We don't like not knowing. We do, however, love celebrating. So, in honor of this 2011 Memorial Day, here is a short, to-the-point list of things we'll miss over Summer '11.
*Lauren still has Stars of David hanging from her ceiling** from Channukkah (or however the fuck your spell it)
**Law of attraction-ing Jews, anyone?
Oprah - To be clear, we do not miss Oprah. Not at all. We do miss hating Oprah. Every weekday for the last 25 years, people around the globe have had an excuse to allow themselves to be completely engulfed in hatred for a solid afternoon hour. No other television show throughout time has made you appreciate the quality of commercials and we doubt another show ever will.***
***Except maybe anything with the Kardashians
Winter - If you haven't noticed, we love to bitch... and we love doing things that we love. The more reason we have to complain, the more we talk, the happier we are. With the weather so perfect right now, we'll just be sitting outside, getting a tan with a cocktail in our hand with nothing to complain about*****. How. Fucking. Boring. After we finish relaxing poolside, there will be nothing to do but frantically search for things to whine about and we really hate searching for things. The only thing left to complain about is the fact that we have nothing to complain about and we hate being redundant.
*****Maybe we should take up watching the Kardashians
Bin Laden - Don't get us wrong, we're glad he's dead. The thing is, we are really going to miss knowing that our country is as bad at finding things as we are. We suddenly feel much worse about misplacing our cell phones on an hourly basis. Our motto: When life gives you lemons, smoke weed and lose them. America's motto: When Afghanistan gives you lemons, bomb Iraq and deny the existence of lemons.
The Rapture - There was absolutely no way for things to go wrong if the Rapture happened. Either we go to Heaven and prove all those religious types wrong once and for all or we get to stay on Earth for a blow-out party until the world ends. Sure, demons would have been chewing off our faces but that doesn't matter so much when you've done so much blow you can't feel your face. Also, we were kind of excited to not have to hear anymore Christian radio.
Manly Men - Nowadays, even the manliest of men start their day by drinking a fucking shake they've made in the kitchen with a blender. Back in the day, manly men hunted and killed wild beasts by hand to get their protein. To top it all off, they did it without a drop of gel in their hair. However, who are we to say that cavemen had six packs? Because at the end of the day, we will never forget that it's what's on the outside that counts. Like an endangered species, manly men will not be able to flourish until, as a world united, everyone agrees to stop making/wearing/selling/buying any tight t-shirts bedazzled with rhinestones.
Yes, the fact that most of these things are gone is a great thing. With so many terrible things gone though, the curve has been altered. Now whats good isn't as good anymore. Don't get too down on yourself though, we're leaving you with a quick list of things to remind you how good life really is.
Maria Shriver just found out that The Governator has a 10 YEAR OLD LOVE CHILD. Suddenly, it really doesn't seem like a big deal that you're boyfiend of 2 months cheated on you.
Kim Kardashian is getting married. No matter what happens in life, you can always change the channel when "Kim and Kris" comes on.
A parade of idiocy is making a move for the Republican Presidential Nomination. We have another year and a half to watch them be morons without a moment of concern that one of them might actually win.
So, here we are, ringing in the Summer of 2011 with a smile, memorializing the atrocities of the past, cracking a cold beverage and cheers-ing to the less-bad goodness to come.
Also, a friendly reminder to do yourself a favor: don't wear a bathing suit if you don't look good in a bathing suit.
*Lauren still has Stars of David hanging from her ceiling** from Channukkah (or however the fuck your spell it)
**Law of attraction-ing Jews, anyone?
Oprah - To be clear, we do not miss Oprah. Not at all. We do miss hating Oprah. Every weekday for the last 25 years, people around the globe have had an excuse to allow themselves to be completely engulfed in hatred for a solid afternoon hour. No other television show throughout time has made you appreciate the quality of commercials and we doubt another show ever will.***
***Except maybe anything with the Kardashians
Winter - If you haven't noticed, we love to bitch... and we love doing things that we love. The more reason we have to complain, the more we talk, the happier we are. With the weather so perfect right now, we'll just be sitting outside, getting a tan with a cocktail in our hand with nothing to complain about*****. How. Fucking. Boring. After we finish relaxing poolside, there will be nothing to do but frantically search for things to whine about and we really hate searching for things. The only thing left to complain about is the fact that we have nothing to complain about and we hate being redundant.
*****Maybe we should take up watching the Kardashians
Bin Laden - Don't get us wrong, we're glad he's dead. The thing is, we are really going to miss knowing that our country is as bad at finding things as we are. We suddenly feel much worse about misplacing our cell phones on an hourly basis. Our motto: When life gives you lemons, smoke weed and lose them. America's motto: When Afghanistan gives you lemons, bomb Iraq and deny the existence of lemons.
The Rapture - There was absolutely no way for things to go wrong if the Rapture happened. Either we go to Heaven and prove all those religious types wrong once and for all or we get to stay on Earth for a blow-out party until the world ends. Sure, demons would have been chewing off our faces but that doesn't matter so much when you've done so much blow you can't feel your face. Also, we were kind of excited to not have to hear anymore Christian radio.
Manly Men - Nowadays, even the manliest of men start their day by drinking a fucking shake they've made in the kitchen with a blender. Back in the day, manly men hunted and killed wild beasts by hand to get their protein. To top it all off, they did it without a drop of gel in their hair. However, who are we to say that cavemen had six packs? Because at the end of the day, we will never forget that it's what's on the outside that counts. Like an endangered species, manly men will not be able to flourish until, as a world united, everyone agrees to stop making/wearing/selling/buying any tight t-shirts bedazzled with rhinestones.
Yes, the fact that most of these things are gone is a great thing. With so many terrible things gone though, the curve has been altered. Now whats good isn't as good anymore. Don't get too down on yourself though, we're leaving you with a quick list of things to remind you how good life really is.
Maria Shriver just found out that The Governator has a 10 YEAR OLD LOVE CHILD. Suddenly, it really doesn't seem like a big deal that you're boyfiend of 2 months cheated on you.
Kim Kardashian is getting married. No matter what happens in life, you can always change the channel when "Kim and Kris" comes on.
A parade of idiocy is making a move for the Republican Presidential Nomination. We have another year and a half to watch them be morons without a moment of concern that one of them might actually win.
So, here we are, ringing in the Summer of 2011 with a smile, memorializing the atrocities of the past, cracking a cold beverage and cheers-ing to the less-bad goodness to come.
Also, a friendly reminder to do yourself a favor: don't wear a bathing suit if you don't look good in a bathing suit.
Monday, April 4, 2011
How to: Outwit the Law
It's been a crazy week for us so, we've brought you something just as good as us. Here we have our first guest post. You can find this lady on Twitter, @Fellatia. Here she is with a gun...
Are you tired of the law looming over your shoulder like the prostitute that you forgot to pay, a nagging ex-lover, or the one night stand that had you rushing to the ER? By reading this tutorial your mind will be put at ease as you will have the confidence to face any likely encounter with the law. Follow along and you will be skipping down the court corridors in no time.
In the instance that you get pulled over, your best approach is to make the officer feel as though you are inherently unorganized. These simple gestures will help you evade the law step by step.
1. Prior to the officer approaching the window be sure that there is an insurmountable amount of paper, shoes, underwear, and cigarette cartons. This added chaos will be your saving grace.
2. Always have "ethnic tunes" readily available (Russian and or Arabic usually do the trick). The last thing the officer wants is to be labeled as a racist.
3. When asked for "license, registration and insurance", respond with "what does that look like". This makes the officer feel as though he is dealing with someone mentally inferior and adds a boost to his arbitrary ego.
4. Be as loud as possible when rummaging through your man-made mayhem. At this point the officer is getting impatient. Remember you are trying to inconvenience him as much as he is inconveniencing you.
5. If these four objectives have left you confused, don't fret, there is always opportunity for an immediate, simple rebuttal. Nothing screams louder than "I am broke and unemployed".
ENDING POINTS
1. If you have a plethora of illegal substances, DO NOT GET RID OF IT. The last thing you want is for your hard earned "confidence enhancer" to become dust in the wind. Be kind to nature. It's fucking courtesy.
2. When the officer returns with your personal effects, like the rest of your things, toss it in a pile without a second thought. Bonus points if the officer is a witness to this outlandish behavior.
3. Paint them a vivid picture of "the haves and the have-nots". So what if you make 100K annually, be clear you are a have-not. We all know law enforcement was not genetically engineered for such intelligence; use this to your advantage.
From the highway to the courtroom our journey continues. We all have had traffic citations, parking tickets, and petty misdemeanors. In times like these, who has time for court appearances? Lawyers? Community service? You have more important things to be doing like enjoying free "bl**" from your favorite street pharmacist and/or being on the clock and not actually working.
1. When going into court for a suspended license be sure that you drive yourself, insist that you were not aware of this preposterous crime, and reiterate that you have been using public transportation since the incident in question. Furthermore allow for this orchestra to continue and leave the same way you came in (consistency is key).
2. Let's revisit this idea of inconvenience, be sure to reschedule your court date numerous times. This prolongs the process, confuses the officer and ultimately results in its’ dismissal.
3. What to do in the event of a fender bender/hit and run?
a. Be an honest Abe and leave a blank note underneath the windshield wiper. This lessens the tension that may have blossomed by the 20+ spectators and makes you look like a hero.
b. If you don't have a pen and paper, make the rational decision and drive away.
4. In the event of receiving community service as your court ordered punishment, here are a few things to keep in mind:
a. Know your surroundings and get to know your superiors. For example, offering to clean before it is suggested equates to you not lifting a damn finger.
b. If you are attractive and your dashing good looks didn't save you in the courtroom, they now come into play and will guarantee your lack of service to the community.
Well gentlemen and gentle ladies, I hope you found this lesson insightful and useful. You should now be able to venture behind the wheel (drunk or sober*) with the vivacious confidence of a white line. Life is a carnival; treat it as one.
*Seriously though, don't drive drunk. Jail and breathalyzers are a HUGE inconvenience.
Are you tired of the law looming over your shoulder like the prostitute that you forgot to pay, a nagging ex-lover, or the one night stand that had you rushing to the ER? By reading this tutorial your mind will be put at ease as you will have the confidence to face any likely encounter with the law. Follow along and you will be skipping down the court corridors in no time.
In the instance that you get pulled over, your best approach is to make the officer feel as though you are inherently unorganized. These simple gestures will help you evade the law step by step.
1. Prior to the officer approaching the window be sure that there is an insurmountable amount of paper, shoes, underwear, and cigarette cartons. This added chaos will be your saving grace.
2. Always have "ethnic tunes" readily available (Russian and or Arabic usually do the trick). The last thing the officer wants is to be labeled as a racist.
3. When asked for "license, registration and insurance", respond with "what does that look like". This makes the officer feel as though he is dealing with someone mentally inferior and adds a boost to his arbitrary ego.
4. Be as loud as possible when rummaging through your man-made mayhem. At this point the officer is getting impatient. Remember you are trying to inconvenience him as much as he is inconveniencing you.
5. If these four objectives have left you confused, don't fret, there is always opportunity for an immediate, simple rebuttal. Nothing screams louder than "I am broke and unemployed".
ENDING POINTS
1. If you have a plethora of illegal substances, DO NOT GET RID OF IT. The last thing you want is for your hard earned "confidence enhancer" to become dust in the wind. Be kind to nature. It's fucking courtesy.
2. When the officer returns with your personal effects, like the rest of your things, toss it in a pile without a second thought. Bonus points if the officer is a witness to this outlandish behavior.
3. Paint them a vivid picture of "the haves and the have-nots". So what if you make 100K annually, be clear you are a have-not. We all know law enforcement was not genetically engineered for such intelligence; use this to your advantage.
From the highway to the courtroom our journey continues. We all have had traffic citations, parking tickets, and petty misdemeanors. In times like these, who has time for court appearances? Lawyers? Community service? You have more important things to be doing like enjoying free "bl**" from your favorite street pharmacist and/or being on the clock and not actually working.
1. When going into court for a suspended license be sure that you drive yourself, insist that you were not aware of this preposterous crime, and reiterate that you have been using public transportation since the incident in question. Furthermore allow for this orchestra to continue and leave the same way you came in (consistency is key).
2. Let's revisit this idea of inconvenience, be sure to reschedule your court date numerous times. This prolongs the process, confuses the officer and ultimately results in its’ dismissal.
3. What to do in the event of a fender bender/hit and run?
a. Be an honest Abe and leave a blank note underneath the windshield wiper. This lessens the tension that may have blossomed by the 20+ spectators and makes you look like a hero.
b. If you don't have a pen and paper, make the rational decision and drive away.
4. In the event of receiving community service as your court ordered punishment, here are a few things to keep in mind:
a. Know your surroundings and get to know your superiors. For example, offering to clean before it is suggested equates to you not lifting a damn finger.
b. If you are attractive and your dashing good looks didn't save you in the courtroom, they now come into play and will guarantee your lack of service to the community.
Well gentlemen and gentle ladies, I hope you found this lesson insightful and useful. You should now be able to venture behind the wheel (drunk or sober*) with the vivacious confidence of a white line. Life is a carnival; treat it as one.
*Seriously though, don't drive drunk. Jail and breathalyzers are a HUGE inconvenience.
Monday, March 28, 2011
The When, What and Why of Booze
Many of us like to drink but many of us like to get shit done too. Instead of being responsible and just not drinking until you don't have things to do, just make sure you are aligning what you are drinking with your goals. In case you don't know how to do that, we've simplified it for you.
Whiskey - This is the perfect drink for when you want to start shit. Maybe you need to confront your roommate who's lazy ass hasn't contributed to the water bill in 4 months (despite the fact that they take 4 hour long showers) or perhaps you're in a relationship that has more than run its course but your sober ass simply doesn't have the balls to dump them. You can also drink whiskey when you are hanging out with someone who is hot but has a terrible personality and all you really want is to sleep with them. This is the ideal drink when you need a little "liquid courage."
Cheap beer - Despite cheap beer's terrible image, it is, in many cases, a stellar choice. In these hard economic times, many of us are on a budget. Another symptom of these hard economic times is that many of us drink a bit too damn much. If you simply can't trust yourself to take A FEW shots to get your buzz on, get some cheap beer. It gets you just as drunk as regular beer but, obviously, its much less expensive, and it takes slightly longer to drink than shots. Also, its ideal if you want to feel like you are camping, or you're a hipster, or you've always wanted to be a lumberjack. Its also great when you want to relive being 16. If you are a camping, hipster, 16 year old lumberjack, you are not allowed to drink anything but cheap beer.
Nice beer - Some of us like to hide the fact that we're drunks. I don't blame you, crazy, blacked-out drunk people are IDIOTS. Nice beer is wonderful when you want to be able to go out and be social while still getting wasted on the down low. If you aren't to be trusted drinking "real alcohol," this is an awesome choice. You will seem super classy and approachable instead of seeming like the slobbering, stumbling, drunken idiot you really are.
Wine - Every once in a while, all of us want to feel like we have an exceptional tolerance. Wine is a fantastic option on these days. Despite the fact that we all know saying "I drank a WHOLE bottle of wine" isn't that hardcore, it's always cool to say. It's also nice to have your buzz sneak up on you, a sudden realization of all your hard work (drinking) is always fun. Why let your drinking hit you slowly throughout the night when you can (mid-sentence) realize how truly fucked up you are. Be forewarned though, there is no regret greater than the regret you experience during a wine induced hangover "How To: Make the Most of Your Hangover"
Tequila - Obviously, Tequila is the unofficial drink of spring break and Cinco de Mayo but there are other times to drink it. The best time to drink tequila is when you are completely over giving a fuck. No one's opinion will matter after a few shots (not that it should anyway.) Tequila is a great drink if you are looking to get laid. Please understand that risks of drinking tequila though "Evidence Against Tequila"
Vodka - Vodka is a very popular drink with the younger crowd. Its not advisable to drink it on a regular basis after you 23rd birthday but that doesn't mean you can't drink it from time to time. Save it for the nights when you dumbass starts feeling like 24 years old is old. You can also indulge in vodka when you are pussing out about the actual taste of alcohol. Drink away. Sometimes, your only concern is getting drunk and you don't care who knows it and that is another perfect oppurtunity to drink vodka.
Gin - Let's be clear, gin is disgusting. Certain situations call for drinking gin though. Things happen and sometimes you are too lazy or broke or too lazy and broke to go buy something besides gin. You probably still have gin laying around from that one time you decided to buy a bottle of gin just to try it. Drink it now.
Cognac - Even as super white kids, we like to feel gangster from time to time. This is when you drink cognac. The only inclination that you aren't actually a gangster is the fact that you can still afford to buy things like cognac.
Think of how productive you're about to become. Remember though, too much of a good thing turns into vomiting, headaches and vowing to never drink again. Since you don't want any of those things to happen, drink "responsibly".
Whiskey - This is the perfect drink for when you want to start shit. Maybe you need to confront your roommate who's lazy ass hasn't contributed to the water bill in 4 months (despite the fact that they take 4 hour long showers) or perhaps you're in a relationship that has more than run its course but your sober ass simply doesn't have the balls to dump them. You can also drink whiskey when you are hanging out with someone who is hot but has a terrible personality and all you really want is to sleep with them. This is the ideal drink when you need a little "liquid courage."
Cheap beer - Despite cheap beer's terrible image, it is, in many cases, a stellar choice. In these hard economic times, many of us are on a budget. Another symptom of these hard economic times is that many of us drink a bit too damn much. If you simply can't trust yourself to take A FEW shots to get your buzz on, get some cheap beer. It gets you just as drunk as regular beer but, obviously, its much less expensive, and it takes slightly longer to drink than shots. Also, its ideal if you want to feel like you are camping, or you're a hipster, or you've always wanted to be a lumberjack. Its also great when you want to relive being 16. If you are a camping, hipster, 16 year old lumberjack, you are not allowed to drink anything but cheap beer.
Nice beer - Some of us like to hide the fact that we're drunks. I don't blame you, crazy, blacked-out drunk people are IDIOTS. Nice beer is wonderful when you want to be able to go out and be social while still getting wasted on the down low. If you aren't to be trusted drinking "real alcohol," this is an awesome choice. You will seem super classy and approachable instead of seeming like the slobbering, stumbling, drunken idiot you really are.
Wine - Every once in a while, all of us want to feel like we have an exceptional tolerance. Wine is a fantastic option on these days. Despite the fact that we all know saying "I drank a WHOLE bottle of wine" isn't that hardcore, it's always cool to say. It's also nice to have your buzz sneak up on you, a sudden realization of all your hard work (drinking) is always fun. Why let your drinking hit you slowly throughout the night when you can (mid-sentence) realize how truly fucked up you are. Be forewarned though, there is no regret greater than the regret you experience during a wine induced hangover "How To: Make the Most of Your Hangover"
Tequila - Obviously, Tequila is the unofficial drink of spring break and Cinco de Mayo but there are other times to drink it. The best time to drink tequila is when you are completely over giving a fuck. No one's opinion will matter after a few shots (not that it should anyway.) Tequila is a great drink if you are looking to get laid. Please understand that risks of drinking tequila though "Evidence Against Tequila"
Vodka - Vodka is a very popular drink with the younger crowd. Its not advisable to drink it on a regular basis after you 23rd birthday but that doesn't mean you can't drink it from time to time. Save it for the nights when you dumbass starts feeling like 24 years old is old. You can also indulge in vodka when you are pussing out about the actual taste of alcohol. Drink away. Sometimes, your only concern is getting drunk and you don't care who knows it and that is another perfect oppurtunity to drink vodka.
Gin - Let's be clear, gin is disgusting. Certain situations call for drinking gin though. Things happen and sometimes you are too lazy or broke or too lazy and broke to go buy something besides gin. You probably still have gin laying around from that one time you decided to buy a bottle of gin just to try it. Drink it now.
Cognac - Even as super white kids, we like to feel gangster from time to time. This is when you drink cognac. The only inclination that you aren't actually a gangster is the fact that you can still afford to buy things like cognac.
Think of how productive you're about to become. Remember though, too much of a good thing turns into vomiting, headaches and vowing to never drink again. Since you don't want any of those things to happen, drink "responsibly".
Monday, March 21, 2011
Evidence Against Tequila
We've all had our fair share of having to defend our actions-- be it in front of a judge, to your parents or simply to your friends after a night of acting like a complete jackass. It is a simple process of having damning evidence brought to the attention of the masses.
We would like to take this opportunity to bring forth EVIDENCE AGAINST TEQUILA:
From this moment on, tequila is not only charged with the following actions, but completely and totally to blame.
The following incidents occurred while the plaintiffs were all under the influence of tequila unless noted that it occurred during a tequila-induced hangover. (See "How to: Make the Most of Your Hangover")
-After a night of drinking tequila, a young white female was bicycling to her shitty dayjob and was so hungover she had to stop in the middle of a West Hollywood sidewalk, dramatically throw her bike to the ground and lay herself down on the concrete to try and stay alive. (Witnesses include a spritely gay man who exclaimed, "Rest, girl, rest!")
-A young white female has an "Hecho En Mexico" tattoo. She got the tattoo in Juarez, Mexico (arguably the most violent city on the planet)
-A young white male, was spanked repeatedly by his friend's mother.
-A young busty (read: not white) female woke up on a porch in the [gangster/terrifying] South Valley of Albuquerque with no recollection of how she got there.
-A young white female was inebriated enough to make out with "Carlton" from "The Fresh Prince of Bel Air"
-A young white female, while driving to her job the day after a straight tequila night, was admittedly "drunk enough to piss out a cocktail on the way to work"
-Two young white females decided to enter and win "Amateur Night" (on two separate occasions in two separate strip clubs)
-An entire group of white adult males and females sitting around a fireplace melted off the soles of all of their shoes
-A young male passed out on a heater, thus branding himself for life
-A young white male became so intoxicated from tequila that he slipped while sitting on the ledge of a bathtub. He was unable to remove himself from the tub without assistance.
The following are charges brought solely on PATRON;
PATRON, (which is the root of the word "patronize") is a derivative of a Latin root word meaning "to make an ass of yourself"
-Two young white females and a young white male decided to patronize a Juarez, Mexico strip club, which is easily the most traumatizing experience possible during life on planet earth
-A young white male, an avid drinker, was forced (by Patron) to pass out to the point of being drawn on in Sharpie for the only time in his life
We would like to take this opportunity to bring forth EVIDENCE AGAINST TEQUILA:
From this moment on, tequila is not only charged with the following actions, but completely and totally to blame.
The following incidents occurred while the plaintiffs were all under the influence of tequila unless noted that it occurred during a tequila-induced hangover. (See "How to: Make the Most of Your Hangover")
-After a night of drinking tequila, a young white female was bicycling to her shitty dayjob and was so hungover she had to stop in the middle of a West Hollywood sidewalk, dramatically throw her bike to the ground and lay herself down on the concrete to try and stay alive. (Witnesses include a spritely gay man who exclaimed, "Rest, girl, rest!")
-A young white female has an "Hecho En Mexico" tattoo. She got the tattoo in Juarez, Mexico (arguably the most violent city on the planet)
-A young white male, was spanked repeatedly by his friend's mother.
-A young busty (read: not white) female woke up on a porch in the [gangster/terrifying] South Valley of Albuquerque with no recollection of how she got there.
-A young white female was inebriated enough to make out with "Carlton" from "The Fresh Prince of Bel Air"
-A young white female, while driving to her job the day after a straight tequila night, was admittedly "drunk enough to piss out a cocktail on the way to work"
-Two young white females decided to enter and win "Amateur Night" (on two separate occasions in two separate strip clubs)
-An entire group of white adult males and females sitting around a fireplace melted off the soles of all of their shoes
-A young male passed out on a heater, thus branding himself for life
-A young white male became so intoxicated from tequila that he slipped while sitting on the ledge of a bathtub. He was unable to remove himself from the tub without assistance.
The following are charges brought solely on PATRON;
PATRON, (which is the root of the word "patronize") is a derivative of a Latin root word meaning "to make an ass of yourself"
-Two young white females and a young white male decided to patronize a Juarez, Mexico strip club, which is easily the most traumatizing experience possible during life on planet earth
-A young white male, an avid drinker, was forced (by Patron) to pass out to the point of being drawn on in Sharpie for the only time in his life
Sunday, March 20, 2011
How To: Make the Most of Your Hangover
We've all done it: survived the worst hangover known to mankind. We've all probably even done it more than one, or twice, or twenty times. Its never fun, but--as you probably already know--we are all about efficiency here. Sure, it's easy to wallow around in self pity and tell ourselves lies about how we are never going to drink again, but trust us, there are far better ways that you can handle your hangover. Just like any situation in life, its important to make the most of this experience. Don't forget that we absolutely believe its important to listen to your body and not binge drink to excess but sometimes things happen and some of us get hungover no matter how "responsibly" we drank the night (or afternoon, or morning) before.
It's absolutely vital that you DO NOT whine about your hangover. Buck up. You made the decision to drink, so, more or less, you made the decision to be hungover. Put on your sunglasses and figure out what you need to make it better. Weed can cure even the most violent of headaches. If you have found a good friend that's an idiot just like you (like the authors have found in one another) they are usually more than willing to help you out on tragic days like these. This is most likely because they know that they will also need your help some day, and that day is probably not that far out. Use this opportunity to get a few things you've been meaning to pick up. When your friend/boyfriend/mom heads out to the grocery store to pick you up some advil or gatorade, throw a few other things onto the list. "You know what really helps my hangovers? Windows with a streak-free shine! Can you pick me up some Windex?" They might not believe it but chances are, they'll know that they can use this against you later so, just run with it.
You also have a beautiful excuse to eat anything you want today. Screw your diet. You most likely burned all those calories already acting like a maniac out on the town (or in your own living room, whatever) so go ahead and get that greasy cheeseburger and french fries. No one will judge you for being a fat ass, they'll admire you for fighting through this killer hangover. Going to work? Make sure to dramatically act out how sick you are. It's important for your work superiors/coworkers to feel sorry for you, believing that you've got food poisoning or whatever lie you've chosen to feed them. Use this opportunity to lean on the counter all day, not do shit, hide in the supply closet, and still get paid. Have a social obligation? Don't cancel. Go out, tell valiant tales of the amazing night you had, and make everyone feel like you are a hero, back from the war that is your relationship with Jose Cuervo. You are a champion of the social arts, and don't you forget it. People train for years to drink at this level--most people choose to call this "college."
On a serious note, pedialyte, two advil migraine and carbs carbs carbs are a classic fix.
So again, even though hangovers are as preventable as teen pregnancy, shit happens. While you can't get a hit MTV show about your bad decisions, you can maybe get some free shit from WalMart and eat like crazy.
Stay tuned for more evidence against tequila!
It's absolutely vital that you DO NOT whine about your hangover. Buck up. You made the decision to drink, so, more or less, you made the decision to be hungover. Put on your sunglasses and figure out what you need to make it better. Weed can cure even the most violent of headaches. If you have found a good friend that's an idiot just like you (like the authors have found in one another) they are usually more than willing to help you out on tragic days like these. This is most likely because they know that they will also need your help some day, and that day is probably not that far out. Use this opportunity to get a few things you've been meaning to pick up. When your friend/boyfriend/mom heads out to the grocery store to pick you up some advil or gatorade, throw a few other things onto the list. "You know what really helps my hangovers? Windows with a streak-free shine! Can you pick me up some Windex?" They might not believe it but chances are, they'll know that they can use this against you later so, just run with it.
You also have a beautiful excuse to eat anything you want today. Screw your diet. You most likely burned all those calories already acting like a maniac out on the town (or in your own living room, whatever) so go ahead and get that greasy cheeseburger and french fries. No one will judge you for being a fat ass, they'll admire you for fighting through this killer hangover. Going to work? Make sure to dramatically act out how sick you are. It's important for your work superiors/coworkers to feel sorry for you, believing that you've got food poisoning or whatever lie you've chosen to feed them. Use this opportunity to lean on the counter all day, not do shit, hide in the supply closet, and still get paid. Have a social obligation? Don't cancel. Go out, tell valiant tales of the amazing night you had, and make everyone feel like you are a hero, back from the war that is your relationship with Jose Cuervo. You are a champion of the social arts, and don't you forget it. People train for years to drink at this level--most people choose to call this "college."
On a serious note, pedialyte, two advil migraine and carbs carbs carbs are a classic fix.
So again, even though hangovers are as preventable as teen pregnancy, shit happens. While you can't get a hit MTV show about your bad decisions, you can maybe get some free shit from WalMart and eat like crazy.
Stay tuned for more evidence against tequila!
Thursday, March 17, 2011
How To: Have the Perfect One Night Stand
Note: Once you've mastered this, you might want to give The Train Olympwrecks event, "The Morning After," a try.
Ah, the One Night Stand. The ONS. That one-time-only hot* tryst with a hot** stranger. Deep down, everyone wants to have a one night stand-- just (at least) one, just to try it, much like weed. Also, like weed, there is a high likelihood that you'll love it and keep coming back for more, BUT only if you get the good shit right up front. That's where we come in. Assuming everyone really does want the ONS, everyone also really does want to not feel like a huge slut when they wake up in the morning. One night stands are a great way to get exercise, raise your self-esteem and feel like a real, functioning member of American society, which, like it or not, now includes shit like "Jersey Shore." Aside from all that, a ONS is the perfect platform for you to get acrobatically dirrty.
*drunk
**drunk
As veterans of the ONS, one might say we've earned our Purple Hearts on the front lines. Here are the quintessential basics for a perfect, non-messy, un-sloppy One Night Stand.
First and foremost, you MUST meet this person randomly, out on the town; read: NOT at a party! The potential web of friendship at parties should be seen as a huge ONS cockblock***. Clearly, there is absolutely NO WAY you and your target can be introduced. How are you going to feel when your sweet friend Mary (like the virgin) asks where you and Tim went last night? Not cool. The best One Night Stands (the only kind if you ask us) are with complete strangers. Upon meeting your target ass (preferably at a public place where copious amounts of alcohol are being consumed) see if you can swiftly, stealthily look them up on your smartphone**** piece-of-shit Facebook app. You want NO MORE THAN two, totally random mutual friends. (Obviously, DO NOT add them. That would be an extremely amateur mistake.) Adversely, you can go the route of just not ever bothering to learn their name. (If you've got any sort of imagination, you should be able to come up with more creative things to yell out in bed. This is a fun way to incorporate your one-time-lover's race or ethnicity!)
***if you're looking for a "Fuck Buddy" (someone you do more than once) parties are totally acceptable. Just know that all your mutual friends are going to know every detail of your sex.
****if you're not a peasant
The second and final step is to make sure that the attraction is purely physical. We're talking, down-home, animalistic, National Geographic attraction*****. How in god's name are you going to feel after knowing your latest bedpost notch belongs to someone with the body of a god? Pretty goddamn good. Models, actors, athletes and trust fund babies (please don't literally fuck any babies) are just a few of the general ideal demographics. Moreover, the hotter the body, hopefully the lower the IQ. Like freshman girls getting "drunk" off non-alcoholic margarita mix, you may have to trick yourself into not wanting to date this person. It's hard to not want to go back for seconds if you are attracted to the body AND mind. What we're saying here is, hopefully your target is an idiot. Don't be afraid of aiming too high (too hot) though. Alcohol works wonders! (Especially in towns like Los Angeles where one witty comment is enough to make someone unzip their pants because brains are so hard to come by.) Buying your target a few tequila shots is as good as strapping the beer goggles on their pretty little face yourself.
*****sorry to bring the image of saggy amazonian tits into your mind.
The formula is simple...
RANDOM STRANGER + HOT LOOKS = YOUR PERFECT ONE NIGHT STAND
Who said you'd never use math in the real world?
It works everytime! Now you can revisit this simple equation again and again, without seeming like a slut! See the beauty of it now? If no one knows about it, it's like it never happened. (Condoms help. Seriously.)
It's simple. It's easy. It's attainable. (It suddenly makes more sense why both of us got the "Inspirational" result on a personality test.)
Now, go get 'em, tigers!
Ah, the One Night Stand. The ONS. That one-time-only hot* tryst with a hot** stranger. Deep down, everyone wants to have a one night stand-- just (at least) one, just to try it, much like weed. Also, like weed, there is a high likelihood that you'll love it and keep coming back for more, BUT only if you get the good shit right up front. That's where we come in. Assuming everyone really does want the ONS, everyone also really does want to not feel like a huge slut when they wake up in the morning. One night stands are a great way to get exercise, raise your self-esteem and feel like a real, functioning member of American society, which, like it or not, now includes shit like "Jersey Shore." Aside from all that, a ONS is the perfect platform for you to get acrobatically dirrty.
*drunk
**drunk
As veterans of the ONS, one might say we've earned our Purple Hearts on the front lines. Here are the quintessential basics for a perfect, non-messy, un-sloppy One Night Stand.
First and foremost, you MUST meet this person randomly, out on the town; read: NOT at a party! The potential web of friendship at parties should be seen as a huge ONS cockblock***. Clearly, there is absolutely NO WAY you and your target can be introduced. How are you going to feel when your sweet friend Mary (like the virgin) asks where you and Tim went last night? Not cool. The best One Night Stands (the only kind if you ask us) are with complete strangers. Upon meeting your target ass (preferably at a public place where copious amounts of alcohol are being consumed) see if you can swiftly, stealthily look them up on your smartphone**** piece-of-shit Facebook app. You want NO MORE THAN two, totally random mutual friends. (Obviously, DO NOT add them. That would be an extremely amateur mistake.) Adversely, you can go the route of just not ever bothering to learn their name. (If you've got any sort of imagination, you should be able to come up with more creative things to yell out in bed. This is a fun way to incorporate your one-time-lover's race or ethnicity!)
***if you're looking for a "Fuck Buddy" (someone you do more than once) parties are totally acceptable. Just know that all your mutual friends are going to know every detail of your sex.
****if you're not a peasant
The second and final step is to make sure that the attraction is purely physical. We're talking, down-home, animalistic, National Geographic attraction*****. How in god's name are you going to feel after knowing your latest bedpost notch belongs to someone with the body of a god? Pretty goddamn good. Models, actors, athletes and trust fund babies (please don't literally fuck any babies) are just a few of the general ideal demographics. Moreover, the hotter the body, hopefully the lower the IQ. Like freshman girls getting "drunk" off non-alcoholic margarita mix, you may have to trick yourself into not wanting to date this person. It's hard to not want to go back for seconds if you are attracted to the body AND mind. What we're saying here is, hopefully your target is an idiot. Don't be afraid of aiming too high (too hot) though. Alcohol works wonders! (Especially in towns like Los Angeles where one witty comment is enough to make someone unzip their pants because brains are so hard to come by.) Buying your target a few tequila shots is as good as strapping the beer goggles on their pretty little face yourself.
*****sorry to bring the image of saggy amazonian tits into your mind.
The formula is simple...
RANDOM STRANGER + HOT LOOKS = YOUR PERFECT ONE NIGHT STAND
Who said you'd never use math in the real world?
It works everytime! Now you can revisit this simple equation again and again, without seeming like a slut! See the beauty of it now? If no one knows about it, it's like it never happened. (Condoms help. Seriously.)
It's simple. It's easy. It's attainable. (It suddenly makes more sense why both of us got the "Inspirational" result on a personality test.)
Now, go get 'em, tigers!
Bible Translations for Jesus' Children: Kanye West and Winos
Before today's "Bible Translations for Jesus' Children," it's time to ease some potential confusion. Once upon a time, say, Albuquerque in 2008, both of your beloved authors survived some "near fatal" threats/actions that may or may not have been completely at their own hands. This was around the time that Kanye West (by "around the time", I mean it all happened in the last 10 years) survived a "near fatal" car accident. We dramatically jumped to conclusions (as we so often do) and decided/came to the divine realization that God JUST MIGHT have kept us alive because he (she, whatever) wanted the three of us (meaning Jordan, Lauren and Kanye West) to rewrite the Bible for the new millenia. That's right; we (including Kanye) are here to finish writing the bible. Also, it's important to point out that Lauren and I have known for a long time that Kanye West is a total and complete tool. (Read: this was two years before he "Kanye'd" Taylor Swift at the VMAs. We're not huge Taylor fans, so we're actually going to stand by that little outburst of his.) That's why its "Ft. Kanye West." We like to imagine him sulking in the corner while we get the credit for doing "God's Work" and he's billed third. Now for the real gem, your bible translation.
Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death. – Romans 8:1-2
Obviously, this beautiful verse is about enjoying your life to the fullest regardless of what some asshole says...
Therefore, there is now no condemnation: You are not in trouble
for those who are in Christ Jesus,: for always getting drunk off wine.
because through Christ Jesus,: Having a little too much wine
the law of the Spirit of life: is essential from time to time when it comes to having fun.
set me free from the law: So stop giving a fuck
of sin and death: about going to hell or dying.
Previous Bible Translations for Jesus' Children
3/16/2011 - Drug Dealers
3/15/2011 - The Police
Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death. – Romans 8:1-2
Obviously, this beautiful verse is about enjoying your life to the fullest regardless of what some asshole says...
Therefore, there is now no condemnation: You are not in trouble
for those who are in Christ Jesus,: for always getting drunk off wine.
because through Christ Jesus,: Having a little too much wine
the law of the Spirit of life: is essential from time to time when it comes to having fun.
set me free from the law: So stop giving a fuck
of sin and death: about going to hell or dying.
Previous Bible Translations for Jesus' Children
3/16/2011 - Drug Dealers
3/15/2011 - The Police
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
The Train Olympwrecks: The Morning After
Another new regular feature coming to Logic According to Us is the "Train Olympwrecks." In each post, we feature a new event, ripe for competition. We encourage you to compete and post your times. Thanks to factors like tolerance, altitude, willingness to blackout and accidental practice experiments in these events, it really is anyone's game. Please note that all contestants are on the honor system as far as their drug and alcohol use. In the opposite tradition from most popular sports, drug use is not only encouraged, it's required.
Facebook doesn't like this photo. Fuck you, Zuckerberg.
EVENT #1: THE MORNING AFTER
Before the event:
1. In order to compete in this event, your date/someone hot you met at the bar MUST get you sloppy drunk/drugged. If you are a more independent competitor, it is your responsibility to drink far too much. The recreational drugs you do or do not chose to include is at your own discretion. Choose wisely.
2. You MUST go home with someone (whos name you should not know), otherwise you are automatically disqualified. You must reach the point of sloppy, hot mess drunk before you leave to your stranger's home. (*NOTICE* you are not allowed to bring said person to YOUR PLACE!) Once you are in their bedroom, fling all your clothing and belongings all over their home when you get there and then pass out. Keep in mind you do not have to sleep with this person (though it is both endorsed and encouraged) but you do have to wake up naked somehow physically entangled with this person (i.e. your arm under the other person, them spooning you, etc). It is a CRUCIAL REQUIREMENT that you NOT WAKE THIS PERSON ONCE YOU BEGIN THE COMPETITION!
The Event Begins:
The moment your eyes flutter open, the clock starts.
1. You must untangle yourself from your stranger and swiftly get out of their bed without waking them.
2. You must find your shoes, socks, underwear, pants, shirt, keys, wallet, purse, phone and any other miscellaneous items you may have like an ipod or a scarf.
Once you're out the door, the clock stops.
BONUS POINTS are awarded for walking out the door wearing every item of your clothing correctly. (Read: it is possible for you to throw your underwear, socks and bra in your purse or just carry whatever shit you don't immediately need to avoid a public indecency ticket on your way home.)
BONUS POINTS are also awarded if you wake up drunk still and complete the tasks correctly.
YOU WILL LOSE POINTS IF:
-You wake any residents of the home, including your stranger and any of their potential roommates/spouse/kids etc.
-You leave anything behind. The more valuable/personal the item, the greater the deduction. (This is NOT the time to try and pull the "Classic Leave-Behind")
Good luck and use a condom! Seriously, we encourage you to post your times, just be safe.
Facebook doesn't like this photo. Fuck you, Zuckerberg.
EVENT #1: THE MORNING AFTER
Before the event:
1. In order to compete in this event, your date/someone hot you met at the bar MUST get you sloppy drunk/drugged. If you are a more independent competitor, it is your responsibility to drink far too much. The recreational drugs you do or do not chose to include is at your own discretion. Choose wisely.
2. You MUST go home with someone (whos name you should not know), otherwise you are automatically disqualified. You must reach the point of sloppy, hot mess drunk before you leave to your stranger's home. (*NOTICE* you are not allowed to bring said person to YOUR PLACE!) Once you are in their bedroom, fling all your clothing and belongings all over their home when you get there and then pass out. Keep in mind you do not have to sleep with this person (though it is both endorsed and encouraged) but you do have to wake up naked somehow physically entangled with this person (i.e. your arm under the other person, them spooning you, etc). It is a CRUCIAL REQUIREMENT that you NOT WAKE THIS PERSON ONCE YOU BEGIN THE COMPETITION!
The Event Begins:
The moment your eyes flutter open, the clock starts.
1. You must untangle yourself from your stranger and swiftly get out of their bed without waking them.
2. You must find your shoes, socks, underwear, pants, shirt, keys, wallet, purse, phone and any other miscellaneous items you may have like an ipod or a scarf.
Once you're out the door, the clock stops.
BONUS POINTS are awarded for walking out the door wearing every item of your clothing correctly. (Read: it is possible for you to throw your underwear, socks and bra in your purse or just carry whatever shit you don't immediately need to avoid a public indecency ticket on your way home.)
BONUS POINTS are also awarded if you wake up drunk still and complete the tasks correctly.
YOU WILL LOSE POINTS IF:
-You wake any residents of the home, including your stranger and any of their potential roommates/spouse/kids etc.
-You leave anything behind. The more valuable/personal the item, the greater the deduction. (This is NOT the time to try and pull the "Classic Leave-Behind")
Good luck and use a condom! Seriously, we encourage you to post your times, just be safe.
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