Logic According To Us is all about big goals and bigger results. In 2011, we were particularly amazing at the "big goals" aspect but not so much at the results. We promised the world and delivered next to nothing. 2011 was a shit year. Rest assured though, we absolutely let ourselves down more than anyone else. If you were a massive failure too, you're not alone. It's not just us though, 2011's collective unconscious gave us three Kardashian spin-offs and the Adam Sandler movie Jack and Jill. However, unlike most of society, who has tricked themselves into thinking a new year means a new beginning, we've decided to dwell on the past. By reviewing things we failed at (and you probably did too) we'll at least start 2012 knowing what to expect. Here's a few of our glaring personal failures.
Jordan failed wildly at living alone. This failure has been a long time coming. Everyone around him has always known that the place he most belongs is living in his parent's Denver Broncos-themed basement and binge drinking on the weekends. After six years of trying to act like an adult, he's where the world wants him, in his parent's Denver Broncos-themed basement and spending half his paycheck on whiskey.
Lauren failed wildy at Vegas. Everyone always thinks Vegas is going to be the most bitchin' weekend of the year until you're her. You'll get lost for four days, beaten by the cops, jailed, hospitalized, hospitalized again and, on top of it all, have literally all your belongings stolen by a cab driver, including a winning a lottery ticket. What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas and by that, we mean all her clothes.
We both failed wildly at getting into shape. 99% of our society wants to be hotter in December than they were in January. We are not exceptions to this rule. We ARE the 99%. 99% of the 99% fail and fail hard. Don't be too proud of yourself if you're that one asshole that looks amazing now. None of us are quite sure if we want to kill you or fuck you*. The motivation to work out gets the shit kicked out of it by the motivation to binge drink, sleep in and smoke pot on the couch while watching Most Eligible: Dallas**. Your self esteem definitely took a few punches too*** and before you know it, you'll be dressing like you're trying to hide a teen pregnancy. The one thing we must all remember though, is how much fun it is to eye-fuck all the assholes at the gym.
*Wouldn't it be great if we could literally fuck someone to death?
**And also, Doritos. They're fucking delicious and they can go fuck themsleves.
*** And maybe even got part of its ear bitten off.
We both failed wildly at not drinking, especially tequila. Do you remember how much Evidence Against Tequila we've compiled? Wouldn't you think, of all people, we would have learned? Yeah, neither did we. Just this week Jordan spent almost 24 hours in bed thanks to Tequila. Lauren blacked out while hosting a party. She even tried to quit drinking and smoking pot all together*; that lasted about 25 days, as her clear mind was a startling reminder of why she started drinking and smoking pot in the first place.
*Idiot**
**It's not alcoholism, its just being an idiot. There is no cure.
We both failed wildly at quitting smoking. Everyone smoker wants to quit smoking for some reason they don't quite understand. Sure, we all "know" it will kill us eventually but that doesn't mean we are ready to quit now. We've all tried it though and we've all failed. You smoke, get over it, stop being a pussy.
We both failed wildly at finding a job we don't hate. We all remember Lauren valiantly quitting Fred Segal only to find herself working at the gnarliest 24 hour cafe in downtown L.A. We both thought we hit the jackpot with jobs at a weed store or with a boss who admittedly didn't care that you dicked around 60% of the time. We've come realize that the problem isn't the job in particular though, it's a job in general. Leave it Lauren to work at the one weed store with a boss that is such a fucking perv, he makes even her uncomfortable.
Last and clearly not least*, we failed wildly at maintaing this blog for our loyal readers. It was, without a doubt, our most public failure. It was seen on all 7 continents and we lost our Hungarian fanbase completely. We wanted to bang out an article every few days, and we were, until we realized it was something we actually enjoyed and subconciously cut it out of our lives immediately, as per usual.
*But maybe, really the least.
There's always a silver lining, however, and as you are well aware, we're all about the positive spin on things. We can take solace in the fact that we are great at failure. We're clearly all about failure. We ARE failure. Up until now, we've succeeded wildly at failing. From here on out though, we can only hope to fail at failure. We wish you a year full of failed failures and accidental success.
Just in case though, suck it 2012!
Showing posts with label tequila. Show all posts
Showing posts with label tequila. Show all posts
Friday, December 30, 2011
Monday, March 28, 2011
The When, What and Why of Booze
Many of us like to drink but many of us like to get shit done too. Instead of being responsible and just not drinking until you don't have things to do, just make sure you are aligning what you are drinking with your goals. In case you don't know how to do that, we've simplified it for you.
Whiskey - This is the perfect drink for when you want to start shit. Maybe you need to confront your roommate who's lazy ass hasn't contributed to the water bill in 4 months (despite the fact that they take 4 hour long showers) or perhaps you're in a relationship that has more than run its course but your sober ass simply doesn't have the balls to dump them. You can also drink whiskey when you are hanging out with someone who is hot but has a terrible personality and all you really want is to sleep with them. This is the ideal drink when you need a little "liquid courage."
Cheap beer - Despite cheap beer's terrible image, it is, in many cases, a stellar choice. In these hard economic times, many of us are on a budget. Another symptom of these hard economic times is that many of us drink a bit too damn much. If you simply can't trust yourself to take A FEW shots to get your buzz on, get some cheap beer. It gets you just as drunk as regular beer but, obviously, its much less expensive, and it takes slightly longer to drink than shots. Also, its ideal if you want to feel like you are camping, or you're a hipster, or you've always wanted to be a lumberjack. Its also great when you want to relive being 16. If you are a camping, hipster, 16 year old lumberjack, you are not allowed to drink anything but cheap beer.
Nice beer - Some of us like to hide the fact that we're drunks. I don't blame you, crazy, blacked-out drunk people are IDIOTS. Nice beer is wonderful when you want to be able to go out and be social while still getting wasted on the down low. If you aren't to be trusted drinking "real alcohol," this is an awesome choice. You will seem super classy and approachable instead of seeming like the slobbering, stumbling, drunken idiot you really are.
Wine - Every once in a while, all of us want to feel like we have an exceptional tolerance. Wine is a fantastic option on these days. Despite the fact that we all know saying "I drank a WHOLE bottle of wine" isn't that hardcore, it's always cool to say. It's also nice to have your buzz sneak up on you, a sudden realization of all your hard work (drinking) is always fun. Why let your drinking hit you slowly throughout the night when you can (mid-sentence) realize how truly fucked up you are. Be forewarned though, there is no regret greater than the regret you experience during a wine induced hangover "How To: Make the Most of Your Hangover"
Tequila - Obviously, Tequila is the unofficial drink of spring break and Cinco de Mayo but there are other times to drink it. The best time to drink tequila is when you are completely over giving a fuck. No one's opinion will matter after a few shots (not that it should anyway.) Tequila is a great drink if you are looking to get laid. Please understand that risks of drinking tequila though "Evidence Against Tequila"
Vodka - Vodka is a very popular drink with the younger crowd. Its not advisable to drink it on a regular basis after you 23rd birthday but that doesn't mean you can't drink it from time to time. Save it for the nights when you dumbass starts feeling like 24 years old is old. You can also indulge in vodka when you are pussing out about the actual taste of alcohol. Drink away. Sometimes, your only concern is getting drunk and you don't care who knows it and that is another perfect oppurtunity to drink vodka.
Gin - Let's be clear, gin is disgusting. Certain situations call for drinking gin though. Things happen and sometimes you are too lazy or broke or too lazy and broke to go buy something besides gin. You probably still have gin laying around from that one time you decided to buy a bottle of gin just to try it. Drink it now.
Cognac - Even as super white kids, we like to feel gangster from time to time. This is when you drink cognac. The only inclination that you aren't actually a gangster is the fact that you can still afford to buy things like cognac.
Think of how productive you're about to become. Remember though, too much of a good thing turns into vomiting, headaches and vowing to never drink again. Since you don't want any of those things to happen, drink "responsibly".
Whiskey - This is the perfect drink for when you want to start shit. Maybe you need to confront your roommate who's lazy ass hasn't contributed to the water bill in 4 months (despite the fact that they take 4 hour long showers) or perhaps you're in a relationship that has more than run its course but your sober ass simply doesn't have the balls to dump them. You can also drink whiskey when you are hanging out with someone who is hot but has a terrible personality and all you really want is to sleep with them. This is the ideal drink when you need a little "liquid courage."
Cheap beer - Despite cheap beer's terrible image, it is, in many cases, a stellar choice. In these hard economic times, many of us are on a budget. Another symptom of these hard economic times is that many of us drink a bit too damn much. If you simply can't trust yourself to take A FEW shots to get your buzz on, get some cheap beer. It gets you just as drunk as regular beer but, obviously, its much less expensive, and it takes slightly longer to drink than shots. Also, its ideal if you want to feel like you are camping, or you're a hipster, or you've always wanted to be a lumberjack. Its also great when you want to relive being 16. If you are a camping, hipster, 16 year old lumberjack, you are not allowed to drink anything but cheap beer.
Nice beer - Some of us like to hide the fact that we're drunks. I don't blame you, crazy, blacked-out drunk people are IDIOTS. Nice beer is wonderful when you want to be able to go out and be social while still getting wasted on the down low. If you aren't to be trusted drinking "real alcohol," this is an awesome choice. You will seem super classy and approachable instead of seeming like the slobbering, stumbling, drunken idiot you really are.
Wine - Every once in a while, all of us want to feel like we have an exceptional tolerance. Wine is a fantastic option on these days. Despite the fact that we all know saying "I drank a WHOLE bottle of wine" isn't that hardcore, it's always cool to say. It's also nice to have your buzz sneak up on you, a sudden realization of all your hard work (drinking) is always fun. Why let your drinking hit you slowly throughout the night when you can (mid-sentence) realize how truly fucked up you are. Be forewarned though, there is no regret greater than the regret you experience during a wine induced hangover "How To: Make the Most of Your Hangover"
Tequila - Obviously, Tequila is the unofficial drink of spring break and Cinco de Mayo but there are other times to drink it. The best time to drink tequila is when you are completely over giving a fuck. No one's opinion will matter after a few shots (not that it should anyway.) Tequila is a great drink if you are looking to get laid. Please understand that risks of drinking tequila though "Evidence Against Tequila"
Vodka - Vodka is a very popular drink with the younger crowd. Its not advisable to drink it on a regular basis after you 23rd birthday but that doesn't mean you can't drink it from time to time. Save it for the nights when you dumbass starts feeling like 24 years old is old. You can also indulge in vodka when you are pussing out about the actual taste of alcohol. Drink away. Sometimes, your only concern is getting drunk and you don't care who knows it and that is another perfect oppurtunity to drink vodka.
Gin - Let's be clear, gin is disgusting. Certain situations call for drinking gin though. Things happen and sometimes you are too lazy or broke or too lazy and broke to go buy something besides gin. You probably still have gin laying around from that one time you decided to buy a bottle of gin just to try it. Drink it now.
Cognac - Even as super white kids, we like to feel gangster from time to time. This is when you drink cognac. The only inclination that you aren't actually a gangster is the fact that you can still afford to buy things like cognac.
Think of how productive you're about to become. Remember though, too much of a good thing turns into vomiting, headaches and vowing to never drink again. Since you don't want any of those things to happen, drink "responsibly".
Monday, March 21, 2011
Evidence Against Tequila
We've all had our fair share of having to defend our actions-- be it in front of a judge, to your parents or simply to your friends after a night of acting like a complete jackass. It is a simple process of having damning evidence brought to the attention of the masses.
We would like to take this opportunity to bring forth EVIDENCE AGAINST TEQUILA:
From this moment on, tequila is not only charged with the following actions, but completely and totally to blame.
The following incidents occurred while the plaintiffs were all under the influence of tequila unless noted that it occurred during a tequila-induced hangover. (See "How to: Make the Most of Your Hangover")
-After a night of drinking tequila, a young white female was bicycling to her shitty dayjob and was so hungover she had to stop in the middle of a West Hollywood sidewalk, dramatically throw her bike to the ground and lay herself down on the concrete to try and stay alive. (Witnesses include a spritely gay man who exclaimed, "Rest, girl, rest!")
-A young white female has an "Hecho En Mexico" tattoo. She got the tattoo in Juarez, Mexico (arguably the most violent city on the planet)
-A young white male, was spanked repeatedly by his friend's mother.
-A young busty (read: not white) female woke up on a porch in the [gangster/terrifying] South Valley of Albuquerque with no recollection of how she got there.
-A young white female was inebriated enough to make out with "Carlton" from "The Fresh Prince of Bel Air"
-A young white female, while driving to her job the day after a straight tequila night, was admittedly "drunk enough to piss out a cocktail on the way to work"
-Two young white females decided to enter and win "Amateur Night" (on two separate occasions in two separate strip clubs)
-An entire group of white adult males and females sitting around a fireplace melted off the soles of all of their shoes
-A young male passed out on a heater, thus branding himself for life
-A young white male became so intoxicated from tequila that he slipped while sitting on the ledge of a bathtub. He was unable to remove himself from the tub without assistance.
The following are charges brought solely on PATRON;
PATRON, (which is the root of the word "patronize") is a derivative of a Latin root word meaning "to make an ass of yourself"
-Two young white females and a young white male decided to patronize a Juarez, Mexico strip club, which is easily the most traumatizing experience possible during life on planet earth
-A young white male, an avid drinker, was forced (by Patron) to pass out to the point of being drawn on in Sharpie for the only time in his life
We would like to take this opportunity to bring forth EVIDENCE AGAINST TEQUILA:
From this moment on, tequila is not only charged with the following actions, but completely and totally to blame.
The following incidents occurred while the plaintiffs were all under the influence of tequila unless noted that it occurred during a tequila-induced hangover. (See "How to: Make the Most of Your Hangover")
-After a night of drinking tequila, a young white female was bicycling to her shitty dayjob and was so hungover she had to stop in the middle of a West Hollywood sidewalk, dramatically throw her bike to the ground and lay herself down on the concrete to try and stay alive. (Witnesses include a spritely gay man who exclaimed, "Rest, girl, rest!")
-A young white female has an "Hecho En Mexico" tattoo. She got the tattoo in Juarez, Mexico (arguably the most violent city on the planet)
-A young white male, was spanked repeatedly by his friend's mother.
-A young busty (read: not white) female woke up on a porch in the [gangster/terrifying] South Valley of Albuquerque with no recollection of how she got there.
-A young white female was inebriated enough to make out with "Carlton" from "The Fresh Prince of Bel Air"
-A young white female, while driving to her job the day after a straight tequila night, was admittedly "drunk enough to piss out a cocktail on the way to work"
-Two young white females decided to enter and win "Amateur Night" (on two separate occasions in two separate strip clubs)
-An entire group of white adult males and females sitting around a fireplace melted off the soles of all of their shoes
-A young male passed out on a heater, thus branding himself for life
-A young white male became so intoxicated from tequila that he slipped while sitting on the ledge of a bathtub. He was unable to remove himself from the tub without assistance.
The following are charges brought solely on PATRON;
PATRON, (which is the root of the word "patronize") is a derivative of a Latin root word meaning "to make an ass of yourself"
-Two young white females and a young white male decided to patronize a Juarez, Mexico strip club, which is easily the most traumatizing experience possible during life on planet earth
-A young white male, an avid drinker, was forced (by Patron) to pass out to the point of being drawn on in Sharpie for the only time in his life
Saturday, March 19, 2011
How to: Have a Bitchin' Spring Break
It's that time of year again: Spring Break. We LOVE spring break. And no, we're not students. Why? Because fuck that. We're not the collegiate type and we definitely wouldn't do well in a fraternity or sorority situation, at least one of us knows that for sure. Spring break is an international holiday celebrated 'round the world (much like the 4th of July, Martin Luther King Jr. Day and Hannukah), regardless of your educational status. Knowing how to have fun in any circumstance, regardless of the situation, is a learned skill. Never been told you're the "life of the party"? Sucks for you. We hear that any time we make a public appearance. Much like our hit scavenger game, how to be a hit at family gatherings , we believe that Spring Break should be a joyous, playful event for everyone.
Behind the bar at Senor Frogs in Cozumel, Mexico. Note: Lauren is 15.
Much like food and water, we believe that EVERYONE deserves Spring Break (even those kids in the Christian "buy a child with 28 cents" infomercials.)
Before the playbook for your/our/everyone's perfect spring break, remember to be smart because dying on Spring Break (especially from alcohol poisoning or at the hands of a stranger) deducts every point you've earned and then some. If only takes you 3 beers to get drunk, buying more beers is a waste of money and will lengthen your recovery time. Don't take it from the booze companies, take it from us, PLEASE drink responsibily.
POSITIVES
+2 point each - Every photo taken of you when you dont look like shit (because, remember, you're supposed to be drunk the entire time)
+7 points - Have a one night stand with a frat boy/sorority girl (+10 if they're the same sex as you, everyone needs an embarassing gay story from spring break.)
+10 points - Each new sexual experience (never gone black/gay/been gang banged? here's your chance. blame it on this article when your friends find out. we dont give a fuck)
+5 points - Sleep on something that ISN'T a bed (bushes, sidewalks, patios, the beach, a stranger's floor, etc.)
+4 points - Make friends with a bartender (take this a run with it. Lauren got matching tattoos in Juarez with a bartender)
+5 - Taking shots before noon (+4 more if you are still taking shots at midnight [Expected])
+3 - Curing your hangover with a bloody mary (Remember though, the goal is to not ever GET hungover. In other words, dont give your body a chance to sober up. If you ARE hungover, do NOT draw attention to it. Put on your sunglasses and shut the fuck up. )
+3 - Curing your hangover with weed (+3 more if you are in a foreign country.)
+5 - Having a random stranger buy you a bottle (-2 if the bottle is made of plastic.)
+4 - Having a random stranger find you recreational drugs (+ 3 points if they're a local)
+8 - Having a conversation with someone despite the fact that neither one of you speaks the same language (Master the art of hand signals; "Give me," "Fuck you" and "Hand job.")
+6 - Getting lost from your friends, having a great solo adventure and reuniting with your friends the same night (+1 if you don't remember the adventure.)
+2 - Dancing on a bar during the day (Doing this during daylight hours will make people wish they were you, i.e. they wish they had the commiment to drink this much so early/have that much fun.)
+9 - Interacting with the police without getting arrested (If you get them to party with you, you've automatically won.)
+2 - Cheating and not getting caught (This is includes not getting caught by your conscious.)
+1 - Being involved in body shots (Obviously, only with someone as hot or hotter than you.)
+3 - Considering the orange wedge/olive/umbrella in your drink to be a meal (Fruits, vegetables, fiber.)
+2 - Having someone remember your name that you don't even recgonize (Note: it is irrelevant if they have a good opinion of you are not.)
+6 - Hooking up with someone whose age is completely inappropriate to you. (either a cougar if you're 18, or a college freshman if you're old. Remember kids: Check IDs.)
+2- Using a stranger/acquaintance for their booze/drugs (This is, also, generally expected.)
NEGATIVES
-8 - Saying you can't go out cause you are too hungover from last night. (If you don't generally party at this level, you should have been training. If you decided at the last minute to do spring break, buck up.)
-5 - Not having your body "spring break" ready. (This is more your opinion than anything. Remember, everyone is drunk, it hardly matters. Unless you are showing skin during the day, in which case, god didn't give us sarapes and t-shirts for nothing.)
-6 - Getting drunk and lost from your friends, having a great solo adventure and reuniting with your friends the next day (-1 if you don't remember the adventure.)
-2 - Dancing on a bar at night (Remember, thanks to us, people have been doing that for hours. Think of something more original to do with your liquid courage.)
-7 - Hooking up with someone ugly (Beer googles are never an excuse.)
-5 - Throwing up in public (only if someone notices. If you can do this steathily, no positive/negative points, just good for you.)
-4 - Dancing with someone gross (Anyone wearing an Ed Hardy shirt or anyone that's not wearing a shirt and would look better in an Ed Hardy shirt. i.e. Guidos, fatties and general losers)
-7 - Going to a hospital, for any reason (No excuses. -10 for needing to go to a hospital and not going.)
-3 - Cheating and getting caught (You can always blame it on the alcohol but, if you're going to be a skank, be a sneaky skank.)
-10 - Getting arrested and charged (By all means, do illegal things but just don't get caught.)
-2 - Eating three square meals in a day (Now is not the time to ruin your hot bod. Also, who needs that much food to potentially throw up?)
-5 - Losing your wallet/ID/camera/personal items (dignity is assumed to already be lost.)
-3 - Getting a sunburn (you should have been hitting the tanning bed, you knew this was coming.)
-1 - Using sunscreen (+4 if the person applying it is hot.)
-1 - Falling down in public (this is when it comes in handy to have a hot stranger, literally, on your arm.)
-10 - Committing statutory rape and being caught (but really, don't even do it in the first place. There's definitely enough hot people in the legal age bracket. [18-80])
-3 - Being used by a stranger/acquaintance for your booze/drugs (Now is not the time to show off how much money you have.)
-6 - Getting in a fight (friends, strangers, acquaintances/whoever. Chances are the fight is stupid. Make love, not war or... whatever.)
-2 - Reading anything besides bottle labels and drink menus (No books, food menus, magazines, travel, guides, maps, etc.)
-2 - Every photo taken of you where you look like total ass (Remember, people are out IN FORCE with cameras trying to make you look bad even though you're really making yourself look bad... also you can blame it on the alcohol.)
Ready, Set, Go!
(We'll have more shit for you to read when you stagger back to your computer.)
Much like food and water, we believe that EVERYONE deserves Spring Break (even those kids in the Christian "buy a child with 28 cents" infomercials.)
Before the playbook for your/our/everyone's perfect spring break, remember to be smart because dying on Spring Break (especially from alcohol poisoning or at the hands of a stranger) deducts every point you've earned and then some. If only takes you 3 beers to get drunk, buying more beers is a waste of money and will lengthen your recovery time. Don't take it from the booze companies, take it from us, PLEASE drink responsibily.
POSITIVES
+2 point each - Every photo taken of you when you dont look like shit (because, remember, you're supposed to be drunk the entire time)
+7 points - Have a one night stand with a frat boy/sorority girl (+10 if they're the same sex as you, everyone needs an embarassing gay story from spring break.)
+10 points - Each new sexual experience (never gone black/gay/been gang banged? here's your chance. blame it on this article when your friends find out. we dont give a fuck)
+5 points - Sleep on something that ISN'T a bed (bushes, sidewalks, patios, the beach, a stranger's floor, etc.)
+4 points - Make friends with a bartender (take this a run with it. Lauren got matching tattoos in Juarez with a bartender)
+5 - Taking shots before noon (+4 more if you are still taking shots at midnight [Expected])
+3 - Curing your hangover with a bloody mary (Remember though, the goal is to not ever GET hungover. In other words, dont give your body a chance to sober up. If you ARE hungover, do NOT draw attention to it. Put on your sunglasses and shut the fuck up. )
+3 - Curing your hangover with weed (+3 more if you are in a foreign country.)
+5 - Having a random stranger buy you a bottle (-2 if the bottle is made of plastic.)
+4 - Having a random stranger find you recreational drugs (+ 3 points if they're a local)
+8 - Having a conversation with someone despite the fact that neither one of you speaks the same language (Master the art of hand signals; "Give me," "Fuck you" and "Hand job.")
+6 - Getting lost from your friends, having a great solo adventure and reuniting with your friends the same night (+1 if you don't remember the adventure.)
+2 - Dancing on a bar during the day (Doing this during daylight hours will make people wish they were you, i.e. they wish they had the commiment to drink this much so early/have that much fun.)
+9 - Interacting with the police without getting arrested (If you get them to party with you, you've automatically won.)
+2 - Cheating and not getting caught (This is includes not getting caught by your conscious.)
+1 - Being involved in body shots (Obviously, only with someone as hot or hotter than you.)
+3 - Considering the orange wedge/olive/umbrella in your drink to be a meal (Fruits, vegetables, fiber.)
+2 - Having someone remember your name that you don't even recgonize (Note: it is irrelevant if they have a good opinion of you are not.)
+6 - Hooking up with someone whose age is completely inappropriate to you. (either a cougar if you're 18, or a college freshman if you're old. Remember kids: Check IDs.)
+2- Using a stranger/acquaintance for their booze/drugs (This is, also, generally expected.)
NEGATIVES
-8 - Saying you can't go out cause you are too hungover from last night. (If you don't generally party at this level, you should have been training. If you decided at the last minute to do spring break, buck up.)
-5 - Not having your body "spring break" ready. (This is more your opinion than anything. Remember, everyone is drunk, it hardly matters. Unless you are showing skin during the day, in which case, god didn't give us sarapes and t-shirts for nothing.)
-6 - Getting drunk and lost from your friends, having a great solo adventure and reuniting with your friends the next day (-1 if you don't remember the adventure.)
-2 - Dancing on a bar at night (Remember, thanks to us, people have been doing that for hours. Think of something more original to do with your liquid courage.)
-7 - Hooking up with someone ugly (Beer googles are never an excuse.)
-5 - Throwing up in public (only if someone notices. If you can do this steathily, no positive/negative points, just good for you.)
-4 - Dancing with someone gross (Anyone wearing an Ed Hardy shirt or anyone that's not wearing a shirt and would look better in an Ed Hardy shirt. i.e. Guidos, fatties and general losers)
-7 - Going to a hospital, for any reason (No excuses. -10 for needing to go to a hospital and not going.)
-3 - Cheating and getting caught (You can always blame it on the alcohol but, if you're going to be a skank, be a sneaky skank.)
-10 - Getting arrested and charged (By all means, do illegal things but just don't get caught.)
-2 - Eating three square meals in a day (Now is not the time to ruin your hot bod. Also, who needs that much food to potentially throw up?)
-5 - Losing your wallet/ID/camera/personal items (dignity is assumed to already be lost.)
-3 - Getting a sunburn (you should have been hitting the tanning bed, you knew this was coming.)
-1 - Using sunscreen (+4 if the person applying it is hot.)
-1 - Falling down in public (this is when it comes in handy to have a hot stranger, literally, on your arm.)
-10 - Committing statutory rape and being caught (but really, don't even do it in the first place. There's definitely enough hot people in the legal age bracket. [18-80])
-3 - Being used by a stranger/acquaintance for your booze/drugs (Now is not the time to show off how much money you have.)
-6 - Getting in a fight (friends, strangers, acquaintances/whoever. Chances are the fight is stupid. Make love, not war or... whatever.)
-2 - Reading anything besides bottle labels and drink menus (No books, food menus, magazines, travel, guides, maps, etc.)
-2 - Every photo taken of you where you look like total ass (Remember, people are out IN FORCE with cameras trying to make you look bad even though you're really making yourself look bad... also you can blame it on the alcohol.)
Ready, Set, Go!
(We'll have more shit for you to read when you stagger back to your computer.)
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