How To: Have The Worst Night Ever

We've all had that night: your friends all turn into assholes, your lose something* and you drink entirely too much. God has granted us the serenity to know that we cannot change this, so accept it. Shitty nights happen, and they will continue to happen. Instead of fighting it, we here at Logic prefer remain one step ahead of fate. Why not take control of the situation and plan your worst night ever? What better than to turn it into a challenge** or a game***?

*wallet, phone, virginity, dignity, etc.
**for all the other competetive assholes like ourselves.
***for the other perpetual children who won't do anything unless it's for fun.

 HOW TO HAVE THE WORST NIGHT EVER: A Scavenger Game
Our Logic scavenger games are a lot like life. The goal is to win (and, of course, cheating is always acceptable if you get away with it)

A night full of bad decisions starts with just one. In this case, it's the people you surround yourself with. If you hang out with....

+1 Drunk crying girl.
+1 Repressed homosexual who wants to fight.
+1 An ex that you still have feelings for/that still has feeling for you.*
-1 Designated driver.
-1 A caring, supportive friend.
-1 Anyone you actually like.

*These points do not count if you both still have feelings for each other. You guys are both sluts.

At this point it's time to starting drinking but all alcohol is not created equally.

+1 Whiskey and/or Tequila
+1 Four Loko
+1 Every time to you switch to a different alcohol
-1 Each glass of water*
-1 Anything that does not cause you to blackout before midnight.
-1 Every drink you have if the total at the end of the night is less than 7**.

 *This includes before you went out. The goal here is to be dehydrated as fuck. Preferably, all you've eaten all day is a red bull and some doritos.
**Because it's wasteful and irresponsible to drink without the intention of forgetting. Trust us, if it's the worst night ever, you're going to want to forget.

Now that you are drunk with a bunch of assholes*, where do you go next?

*You better also be acting like an asshole.

+2 Just go. Anywhere. Who cares or knows where. These points are not applicable if you know where you are going.
+1 Going to a packed place where you know no one and have no way of getting home
+1 An after hours party with less than 3 people. (Example: 3 sketchy Russians in hoodies you met on Hollywood Blvd with a bottle of gin.)
+1 Going home with someone disgusting looking. (+2 if you have good sex.)
-1 Going home.
-1 Going to an awesome party.
-1 Going home with someone incredible looking. (-2 if you have good sex.)

 It is impossible for you night to be as bad as it can be without a little recreational drug use.

+1 Acid. (+2 if you've never tried it)
+1 Every line of coke you do after the sun comes up. (If you use NyQuil to fall asleep as a result, these points are no longer valid.)
+1 Any combination of drugs that cost you more than 50% of your current checking account balance. (+2 for overdrafting your account to buy drugs)
-1 Every drug that's there that you don't do. (-2 if the drugs are directly offered to you. -3 if they're free.)
-1 Taking a tylenol before going to sleep.
-1 For having a really great high.

All good things must come to end and now it is time to go home. This is a perfect opportunity to go home with a stranger because you are too lazy to try to figure out home to get home.

+1 Walking (+2 for walking barefoot.)
+1 Taking the bus. (+2 if you have ask for money to take the bus.)
+1 Attempting to drive home drunk and getting a DUI. (-2 if you don't get caught. +2 for getting caught driving drunk because you crashed into something. +1 for each one thousand dollars worth of property damage you cause.)
-1 Taking a cab*. 
-1 Getting home before 3 am.
-1 Getting home at all.

*Note: Cab rides can easily turn into positive points. +1 for taking a cab but not having enough money or losing your phone, wallet, or keys. +1 for everything you leave in the cab. +2 if you left behind personal belongings after not paying for the cab ride.

And, finally, no horrible night is complete without a horrible morning after.
+2 Only throwing up bile.
+1 Waking up to realize you've wet the bed. (+2 If you're not sleeping alone.)
+1 Waking up with a new tattoo.
-1 Throwing up.
-1 Being hungover to the point that you stay in bed until 5.
-1 Being afraid to check your bank account balance.

You've finally reached your goal. Blood, tears, drinks and drugs have been spilled. You might even have a new a STD (+1). Now you that you've gotten that out of the way, you can rest assured that you will never have a night as bad this one (and start looking to the future, to your upcoming court date.) You just had the worst night ever. Congratulations.

How to: Have a Bitchin' Spring Break

It's that time of year again: Spring Break. We LOVE spring break. And no, we're not students. Why? Because fuck that. We're not the collegiate type and we definitely wouldn't do well in a fraternity or sorority situation, at least one of us knows that for sure. Spring break is an international holiday celebrated 'round the world (much like the 4th of July, Martin Luther King Jr. Day and Hannukah), regardless of your educational status. Knowing how to have fun in any circumstance, regardless of the situation, is a learned skill. Never been told you're the "life of the party"? Sucks for you. We hear that any time we make a public appearance. Much like our hit scavenger game, how to be a hit at family gatherings , we believe that Spring Break should be a joyous, playful event for everyone.


Behind the bar at Senor Frogs in Cozumel, Mexico. Note: Lauren is 15.


Much like food and water, we believe that EVERYONE deserves Spring Break (even those kids in the Christian "buy a child with 28 cents" infomercials.)

Before the playbook for your/our/everyone's perfect spring break, remember to be smart because dying on Spring Break (especially from alcohol poisoning or at the hands of a stranger) deducts every point you've earned and then some. If only takes you 3 beers to get drunk, buying more beers is a waste of money and will lengthen your recovery time. Don't take it from the booze companies, take it from us, PLEASE drink responsibily.

POSITIVES
+2 point each - Every photo taken of you when you dont look like shit (because, remember, you're supposed to be drunk the entire time)
+7 points - Have a one night stand with a frat boy/sorority girl (+10 if they're the same sex as you, everyone needs an embarassing gay story from spring break.)
+10 points - Each new sexual experience (never gone black/gay/been gang banged? here's your chance. blame it on this article when your friends find out. we dont give a fuck)
+5 points - Sleep on something that ISN'T a bed (bushes, sidewalks, patios, the beach, a stranger's floor, etc.)
+4 points - Make friends with a bartender (take this a run with it. Lauren got matching tattoos in Juarez with a bartender)
+5 - Taking shots before noon (+4 more if you are still taking shots at midnight [Expected])
+3 - Curing your hangover with a bloody mary (Remember though, the goal is to not ever GET hungover. In other words, dont give your body a chance to sober up. If you ARE hungover, do NOT draw attention to it. Put on your sunglasses and shut the fuck up. )
+3 - Curing your hangover with weed (+3 more if you are in a foreign country.)
+5 - Having a random stranger buy you a bottle (-2 if the bottle is made of plastic.)
+4 - Having a random stranger find you recreational drugs (+ 3 points if they're a local)
+8 - Having a conversation with someone despite the fact that neither one of you speaks the same language (Master the art of hand signals; "Give me," "Fuck you" and "Hand job.")
+6 - Getting lost from your friends, having a great solo adventure and reuniting with your friends the same night (+1 if you don't remember the adventure.)
+2 - Dancing on a bar during the day (Doing this during daylight hours will make people wish they were you, i.e. they wish they had the commiment to drink this much so early/have that much fun.)
+9 - Interacting with the police without getting arrested (If you get them to party with you, you've automatically won.)
+2 - Cheating and not getting caught (This is includes not getting caught by your conscious.)
+1 - Being involved in body shots (Obviously, only with someone as hot or hotter than you.)
+3 - Considering the orange wedge/olive/umbrella in your drink to be a meal (Fruits, vegetables, fiber.)
+2 - Having someone remember your name that you don't even recgonize (Note: it is irrelevant if they have a good opinion of you are not.)
+6 - Hooking up with someone whose age is completely inappropriate to you. (either a cougar if you're 18, or a college freshman if you're old. Remember kids: Check IDs.)
+2- Using a stranger/acquaintance for their booze/drugs (This is, also, generally expected.)

NEGATIVES
-8 - Saying you can't go out cause you are too hungover from last night. (If you don't generally party at this level, you should have been training. If you decided at the last minute to do spring break, buck up.)
-5 - Not having your body "spring break" ready. (This is more your opinion than anything. Remember, everyone is drunk, it hardly matters. Unless you are showing skin during the day, in which case, god didn't give us sarapes and t-shirts for nothing.)
-6 - Getting drunk and lost from your friends, having a great solo adventure and reuniting with your friends the next day (-1 if you don't remember the adventure.)
-2 - Dancing on a bar at night (Remember, thanks to us, people have been doing that for hours. Think of something more original to do with your liquid courage.)
-7 - Hooking up with someone ugly (Beer googles are never an excuse.)
-5 - Throwing up in public (only if someone notices. If you can do this steathily, no positive/negative points, just good for you.)
-4 - Dancing with someone gross (Anyone wearing an Ed Hardy shirt or anyone that's not wearing a shirt and would look better in an Ed Hardy shirt. i.e. Guidos, fatties and general losers)
-7 - Going to a hospital, for any reason (No excuses. -10 for needing to go to a hospital and not going.)
-3 - Cheating and getting caught (You can always blame it on the alcohol but, if you're going to be a skank, be a sneaky skank.)
-10 - Getting arrested and charged (By all means, do illegal things but just don't get caught.)
-2 - Eating three square meals in a day (Now is not the time to ruin your hot bod. Also, who needs that much food to potentially throw up?)
-5 - Losing your wallet/ID/camera/personal items (dignity is assumed to already be lost.)
-3 - Getting a sunburn (you should have been hitting the tanning bed, you knew this was coming.)
-1 - Using sunscreen (+4 if the person applying it is hot.)
-1 - Falling down in public (this is when it comes in handy to have a hot stranger, literally, on your arm.)
-10 - Committing statutory rape and being caught (but really, don't even do it in the first place. There's definitely enough hot people in the legal age bracket. [18-80])
-3 - Being used by a stranger/acquaintance for your booze/drugs (Now is not the time to show off how much money you have.)
-6 - Getting in a fight (friends, strangers, acquaintances/whoever. Chances are the fight is stupid. Make love, not war or... whatever.)
-2 - Reading anything besides bottle labels and drink menus (No books, food menus, magazines, travel, guides, maps, etc.)
-2 - Every photo taken of you where you look like total ass (Remember, people are out IN FORCE with cameras trying to make you look bad even though you're really making yourself look bad... also you can blame it on the alcohol.)

Ready, Set, Go!

(We'll have more shit for you to read when you stagger back to your computer.)

How To: Have the Perfect One Night Stand

Note: Once you've mastered this, you might want to give The Train Olympwrecks event, "The Morning After," a try.

Ah, the One Night Stand. The ONS. That one-time-only hot* tryst with a hot** stranger. Deep down, everyone wants to have a one night stand-- just (at least) one, just to try it, much like weed. Also, like weed, there is a high likelihood that you'll love it and keep coming back for more, BUT only if you get the good shit right up front. That's where we come in. Assuming everyone really does want the ONS, everyone also really does want to not feel like a huge slut when they wake up in the morning. One night stands are a great way to get exercise, raise your self-esteem and feel like a real, functioning member of American society, which, like it or not, now includes shit like "Jersey Shore." Aside from all that, a ONS is the perfect platform for you to get acrobatically dirrty.

*drunk
**drunk

As veterans of the ONS, one might say we've earned our Purple Hearts on the front lines. Here are the quintessential basics for a perfect, non-messy, un-sloppy One Night Stand.

First and foremost, you MUST meet this person randomly, out on the town; read: NOT at a party! The potential web of friendship at parties should be seen as a huge ONS cockblock***. Clearly, there is absolutely NO WAY you and your target can be introduced. How are you going to feel when your sweet friend Mary (like the virgin) asks where you and Tim went last night? Not cool. The best One Night Stands (the only kind if you ask us) are with complete strangers. Upon meeting your target ass (preferably at a public place where copious amounts of alcohol are being consumed) see if you can swiftly, stealthily look them up on your smartphone**** piece-of-shit Facebook app. You want NO MORE THAN two, totally random mutual friends. (Obviously, DO NOT add them. That would be an extremely amateur mistake.) Adversely, you can go the route of just not ever bothering to learn their name. (If you've got any sort of imagination, you should be able to come up with more creative things to yell out in bed. This is a fun way to incorporate your one-time-lover's race or ethnicity!)

***if you're looking for a "Fuck Buddy" (someone you do more than once) parties are totally acceptable. Just know that all your mutual friends are going to know every detail of your sex.
****if you're not a peasant

The second and final step is to make sure that the attraction is purely physical. We're talking, down-home, animalistic, National Geographic attraction*****. How in god's name are you going to feel after knowing your latest bedpost notch belongs to someone with the body of a god? Pretty goddamn good. Models, actors, athletes and trust fund babies (please don't literally fuck any babies) are just a few of the general ideal demographics. Moreover, the hotter the body, hopefully the lower the IQ. Like freshman girls getting "drunk" off non-alcoholic margarita mix, you may have to trick yourself into not wanting to date this person. It's hard to not want to go back for seconds if you are attracted to the body AND mind. What we're saying here is, hopefully your target is an idiot. Don't be afraid of aiming too high (too hot) though. Alcohol works wonders! (Especially in towns like Los Angeles where one witty comment is enough to make someone unzip their pants because brains are so hard to come by.) Buying your target a few tequila shots is as good as strapping the beer goggles on their pretty little face yourself.

*****sorry to bring the image of saggy amazonian tits into your mind.

The formula is simple...

RANDOM STRANGER + HOT LOOKS = YOUR PERFECT ONE NIGHT STAND

Who said you'd never use math in the real world?

It works everytime! Now you can revisit this simple equation again and again, without seeming like a slut! See the beauty of it now? If no one knows about it, it's like it never happened. (Condoms help. Seriously.)

It's simple. It's easy. It's attainable. (It suddenly makes more sense why both of us got the "Inspirational" result on a personality test.)

Now, go get 'em, tigers!

The Train Olympwrecks: The Morning After

Another new regular feature coming to Logic According to Us is the "Train Olympwrecks." In each post, we feature a new event, ripe for competition. We encourage you to compete and post your times. Thanks to factors like tolerance, altitude, willingness to blackout and accidental practice experiments in these events, it really is anyone's game. Please note that all contestants are on the honor system as far as their drug and alcohol use. In the opposite tradition from most popular sports, drug use is not only encouraged, it's required.




Facebook doesn't like this photo. Fuck you, Zuckerberg.

EVENT #1: THE MORNING AFTER

Before the event:
1. In order to compete in this event, your date/someone hot you met at the bar MUST get you sloppy drunk/drugged. If you are a more independent competitor, it is your responsibility to drink far too much. The recreational drugs you do or do not chose to include is at your own discretion. Choose wisely.
2. You MUST go home with someone (whos name you should not know), otherwise you are automatically disqualified. You must reach the point of sloppy, hot mess drunk before you leave to your stranger's home. (*NOTICE* you are not allowed to bring said person to YOUR PLACE!) Once you are in their bedroom, fling all your clothing and belongings all over their home when you get there and then pass out. Keep in mind you do not have to sleep with this person (though it is both endorsed and encouraged) but you do have to wake up naked somehow physically entangled with this person (i.e. your arm under the other person, them spooning you, etc). It is a CRUCIAL REQUIREMENT that you NOT WAKE THIS PERSON ONCE YOU BEGIN THE COMPETITION!

The Event Begins:
The moment your eyes flutter open, the clock starts.

1. You must untangle yourself from your stranger and swiftly get out of their bed without waking them.
2. You must find your shoes, socks, underwear, pants, shirt, keys, wallet, purse, phone and any other miscellaneous items you may have like an ipod or a scarf.

Once you're out the door, the clock stops.

BONUS POINTS are awarded for walking out the door wearing every item of your clothing correctly. (Read: it is possible for you to throw your underwear, socks and bra in your purse or just carry whatever shit you don't immediately need to avoid a public indecency ticket on your way home.)
BONUS POINTS are also awarded if you wake up drunk still and complete the tasks correctly.

YOU WILL LOSE POINTS IF:
-You wake any residents of the home, including your stranger and any of their potential roommates/spouse/kids etc.
-You leave anything behind. The more valuable/personal the item, the greater the deduction. (This is NOT the time to try and pull the "Classic Leave-Behind")


Good luck and use a condom! Seriously, we encourage you to post your times, just be safe.