How To: Have The Worst Night Ever

We've all had that night: your friends all turn into assholes, your lose something* and you drink entirely too much. God has granted us the serenity to know that we cannot change this, so accept it. Shitty nights happen, and they will continue to happen. Instead of fighting it, we here at Logic prefer remain one step ahead of fate. Why not take control of the situation and plan your worst night ever? What better than to turn it into a challenge** or a game***?

*wallet, phone, virginity, dignity, etc.
**for all the other competetive assholes like ourselves.
***for the other perpetual children who won't do anything unless it's for fun.

 HOW TO HAVE THE WORST NIGHT EVER: A Scavenger Game
Our Logic scavenger games are a lot like life. The goal is to win (and, of course, cheating is always acceptable if you get away with it)

A night full of bad decisions starts with just one. In this case, it's the people you surround yourself with. If you hang out with....

+1 Drunk crying girl.
+1 Repressed homosexual who wants to fight.
+1 An ex that you still have feelings for/that still has feeling for you.*
-1 Designated driver.
-1 A caring, supportive friend.
-1 Anyone you actually like.

*These points do not count if you both still have feelings for each other. You guys are both sluts.

At this point it's time to starting drinking but all alcohol is not created equally.

+1 Whiskey and/or Tequila
+1 Four Loko
+1 Every time to you switch to a different alcohol
-1 Each glass of water*
-1 Anything that does not cause you to blackout before midnight.
-1 Every drink you have if the total at the end of the night is less than 7**.

 *This includes before you went out. The goal here is to be dehydrated as fuck. Preferably, all you've eaten all day is a red bull and some doritos.
**Because it's wasteful and irresponsible to drink without the intention of forgetting. Trust us, if it's the worst night ever, you're going to want to forget.

Now that you are drunk with a bunch of assholes*, where do you go next?

*You better also be acting like an asshole.

+2 Just go. Anywhere. Who cares or knows where. These points are not applicable if you know where you are going.
+1 Going to a packed place where you know no one and have no way of getting home
+1 An after hours party with less than 3 people. (Example: 3 sketchy Russians in hoodies you met on Hollywood Blvd with a bottle of gin.)
+1 Going home with someone disgusting looking. (+2 if you have good sex.)
-1 Going home.
-1 Going to an awesome party.
-1 Going home with someone incredible looking. (-2 if you have good sex.)

 It is impossible for you night to be as bad as it can be without a little recreational drug use.

+1 Acid. (+2 if you've never tried it)
+1 Every line of coke you do after the sun comes up. (If you use NyQuil to fall asleep as a result, these points are no longer valid.)
+1 Any combination of drugs that cost you more than 50% of your current checking account balance. (+2 for overdrafting your account to buy drugs)
-1 Every drug that's there that you don't do. (-2 if the drugs are directly offered to you. -3 if they're free.)
-1 Taking a tylenol before going to sleep.
-1 For having a really great high.

All good things must come to end and now it is time to go home. This is a perfect opportunity to go home with a stranger because you are too lazy to try to figure out home to get home.

+1 Walking (+2 for walking barefoot.)
+1 Taking the bus. (+2 if you have ask for money to take the bus.)
+1 Attempting to drive home drunk and getting a DUI. (-2 if you don't get caught. +2 for getting caught driving drunk because you crashed into something. +1 for each one thousand dollars worth of property damage you cause.)
-1 Taking a cab*. 
-1 Getting home before 3 am.
-1 Getting home at all.

*Note: Cab rides can easily turn into positive points. +1 for taking a cab but not having enough money or losing your phone, wallet, or keys. +1 for everything you leave in the cab. +2 if you left behind personal belongings after not paying for the cab ride.

And, finally, no horrible night is complete without a horrible morning after.
+2 Only throwing up bile.
+1 Waking up to realize you've wet the bed. (+2 If you're not sleeping alone.)
+1 Waking up with a new tattoo.
-1 Throwing up.
-1 Being hungover to the point that you stay in bed until 5.
-1 Being afraid to check your bank account balance.

You've finally reached your goal. Blood, tears, drinks and drugs have been spilled. You might even have a new a STD (+1). Now you that you've gotten that out of the way, you can rest assured that you will never have a night as bad this one (and start looking to the future, to your upcoming court date.) You just had the worst night ever. Congratulations.

How To: Make the Most of Your Hangover

We've all done it: survived the worst hangover known to mankind. We've all probably even done it more than one, or twice, or twenty times. Its never fun, but--as you probably already know--we are all about efficiency here. Sure, it's easy to wallow around in self pity and tell ourselves lies about how we are never going to drink again, but trust us, there are far better ways that you can handle your hangover. Just like any situation in life, its important to make the most of this experience. Don't forget that we absolutely believe its important to listen to your body and not binge drink to excess but sometimes things happen and some of us get hungover no matter how "responsibly" we drank the night (or afternoon, or morning) before.



It's absolutely vital that you DO NOT whine about your hangover. Buck up. You made the decision to drink, so, more or less, you made the decision to be hungover. Put on your sunglasses and figure out what you need to make it better. Weed can cure even the most violent of headaches. If you have found a good friend that's an idiot just like you (like the authors have found in one another) they are usually more than willing to help you out on tragic days like these. This is most likely because they know that they will also need your help some day, and that day is probably not that far out. Use this opportunity to get a few things you've been meaning to pick up. When your friend/boyfriend/mom heads out to the grocery store to pick you up some advil or gatorade, throw a few other things onto the list. "You know what really helps my hangovers? Windows with a streak-free shine! Can you pick me up some Windex?" They might not believe it but chances are, they'll know that they can use this against you later so, just run with it.

You also have a beautiful excuse to eat anything you want today. Screw your diet. You most likely burned all those calories already acting like a maniac out on the town (or in your own living room, whatever) so go ahead and get that greasy cheeseburger and french fries. No one will judge you for being a fat ass, they'll admire you for fighting through this killer hangover. Going to work? Make sure to dramatically act out how sick you are. It's important for your work superiors/coworkers to feel sorry for you, believing that you've got food poisoning or whatever lie you've chosen to feed them. Use this opportunity to lean on the counter all day, not do shit, hide in the supply closet, and still get paid. Have a social obligation? Don't cancel. Go out, tell valiant tales of the amazing night you had, and make everyone feel like you are a hero, back from the war that is your relationship with Jose Cuervo. You are a champion of the social arts, and don't you forget it. People train for years to drink at this level--most people choose to call this "college."

On a serious note, pedialyte, two advil migraine and carbs carbs carbs are a classic fix.

So again, even though hangovers are as preventable as teen pregnancy, shit happens. While you can't get a hit MTV show about your bad decisions, you can maybe get some free shit from WalMart and eat like crazy.

Stay tuned for more evidence against tequila!