Many of us like to drink but many of us like to get shit done too. Instead of being responsible and just not drinking until you don't have things to do, just make sure you are aligning what you are drinking with your goals. In case you don't know how to do that, we've simplified it for you.
Whiskey - This is the perfect drink for when you want to start shit. Maybe you need to confront your roommate who's lazy ass hasn't contributed to the water bill in 4 months (despite the fact that they take 4 hour long showers) or perhaps you're in a relationship that has more than run its course but your sober ass simply doesn't have the balls to dump them. You can also drink whiskey when you are hanging out with someone who is hot but has a terrible personality and all you really want is to sleep with them. This is the ideal drink when you need a little "liquid courage."
Cheap beer - Despite cheap beer's terrible image, it is, in many cases, a stellar choice. In these hard economic times, many of us are on a budget. Another symptom of these hard economic times is that many of us drink a bit too damn much. If you simply can't trust yourself to take A FEW shots to get your buzz on, get some cheap beer. It gets you just as drunk as regular beer but, obviously, its much less expensive, and it takes slightly longer to drink than shots. Also, its ideal if you want to feel like you are camping, or you're a hipster, or you've always wanted to be a lumberjack. Its also great when you want to relive being 16. If you are a camping, hipster, 16 year old lumberjack, you are not allowed to drink anything but cheap beer.
Nice beer - Some of us like to hide the fact that we're drunks. I don't blame you, crazy, blacked-out drunk people are IDIOTS. Nice beer is wonderful when you want to be able to go out and be social while still getting wasted on the down low. If you aren't to be trusted drinking "real alcohol," this is an awesome choice. You will seem super classy and approachable instead of seeming like the slobbering, stumbling, drunken idiot you really are.
Wine - Every once in a while, all of us want to feel like we have an exceptional tolerance. Wine is a fantastic option on these days. Despite the fact that we all know saying "I drank a WHOLE bottle of wine" isn't that hardcore, it's always cool to say. It's also nice to have your buzz sneak up on you, a sudden realization of all your hard work (drinking) is always fun. Why let your drinking hit you slowly throughout the night when you can (mid-sentence) realize how truly fucked up you are. Be forewarned though, there is no regret greater than the regret you experience during a wine induced hangover "How To: Make the Most of Your Hangover"
Tequila - Obviously, Tequila is the unofficial drink of spring break and Cinco de Mayo but there are other times to drink it. The best time to drink tequila is when you are completely over giving a fuck. No one's opinion will matter after a few shots (not that it should anyway.) Tequila is a great drink if you are looking to get laid. Please understand that risks of drinking tequila though "Evidence Against Tequila"
Vodka - Vodka is a very popular drink with the younger crowd. Its not advisable to drink it on a regular basis after you 23rd birthday but that doesn't mean you can't drink it from time to time. Save it for the nights when you dumbass starts feeling like 24 years old is old. You can also indulge in vodka when you are pussing out about the actual taste of alcohol. Drink away. Sometimes, your only concern is getting drunk and you don't care who knows it and that is another perfect oppurtunity to drink vodka.
Gin - Let's be clear, gin is disgusting. Certain situations call for drinking gin though. Things happen and sometimes you are too lazy or broke or too lazy and broke to go buy something besides gin. You probably still have gin laying around from that one time you decided to buy a bottle of gin just to try it. Drink it now.
Cognac - Even as super white kids, we like to feel gangster from time to time. This is when you drink cognac. The only inclination that you aren't actually a gangster is the fact that you can still afford to buy things like cognac.
Think of how productive you're about to become. Remember though, too much of a good thing turns into vomiting, headaches and vowing to never drink again. Since you don't want any of those things to happen, drink "responsibly".
Showing posts with label partying. Show all posts
Showing posts with label partying. Show all posts
Monday, March 28, 2011
Monday, March 21, 2011
Evidence Against Tequila
We've all had our fair share of having to defend our actions-- be it in front of a judge, to your parents or simply to your friends after a night of acting like a complete jackass. It is a simple process of having damning evidence brought to the attention of the masses.
We would like to take this opportunity to bring forth EVIDENCE AGAINST TEQUILA:
From this moment on, tequila is not only charged with the following actions, but completely and totally to blame.
The following incidents occurred while the plaintiffs were all under the influence of tequila unless noted that it occurred during a tequila-induced hangover. (See "How to: Make the Most of Your Hangover")
-After a night of drinking tequila, a young white female was bicycling to her shitty dayjob and was so hungover she had to stop in the middle of a West Hollywood sidewalk, dramatically throw her bike to the ground and lay herself down on the concrete to try and stay alive. (Witnesses include a spritely gay man who exclaimed, "Rest, girl, rest!")
-A young white female has an "Hecho En Mexico" tattoo. She got the tattoo in Juarez, Mexico (arguably the most violent city on the planet)
-A young white male, was spanked repeatedly by his friend's mother.
-A young busty (read: not white) female woke up on a porch in the [gangster/terrifying] South Valley of Albuquerque with no recollection of how she got there.
-A young white female was inebriated enough to make out with "Carlton" from "The Fresh Prince of Bel Air"
-A young white female, while driving to her job the day after a straight tequila night, was admittedly "drunk enough to piss out a cocktail on the way to work"
-Two young white females decided to enter and win "Amateur Night" (on two separate occasions in two separate strip clubs)
-An entire group of white adult males and females sitting around a fireplace melted off the soles of all of their shoes
-A young male passed out on a heater, thus branding himself for life
-A young white male became so intoxicated from tequila that he slipped while sitting on the ledge of a bathtub. He was unable to remove himself from the tub without assistance.
The following are charges brought solely on PATRON;
PATRON, (which is the root of the word "patronize") is a derivative of a Latin root word meaning "to make an ass of yourself"
-Two young white females and a young white male decided to patronize a Juarez, Mexico strip club, which is easily the most traumatizing experience possible during life on planet earth
-A young white male, an avid drinker, was forced (by Patron) to pass out to the point of being drawn on in Sharpie for the only time in his life
We would like to take this opportunity to bring forth EVIDENCE AGAINST TEQUILA:
From this moment on, tequila is not only charged with the following actions, but completely and totally to blame.
The following incidents occurred while the plaintiffs were all under the influence of tequila unless noted that it occurred during a tequila-induced hangover. (See "How to: Make the Most of Your Hangover")
-After a night of drinking tequila, a young white female was bicycling to her shitty dayjob and was so hungover she had to stop in the middle of a West Hollywood sidewalk, dramatically throw her bike to the ground and lay herself down on the concrete to try and stay alive. (Witnesses include a spritely gay man who exclaimed, "Rest, girl, rest!")
-A young white female has an "Hecho En Mexico" tattoo. She got the tattoo in Juarez, Mexico (arguably the most violent city on the planet)
-A young white male, was spanked repeatedly by his friend's mother.
-A young busty (read: not white) female woke up on a porch in the [gangster/terrifying] South Valley of Albuquerque with no recollection of how she got there.
-A young white female was inebriated enough to make out with "Carlton" from "The Fresh Prince of Bel Air"
-A young white female, while driving to her job the day after a straight tequila night, was admittedly "drunk enough to piss out a cocktail on the way to work"
-Two young white females decided to enter and win "Amateur Night" (on two separate occasions in two separate strip clubs)
-An entire group of white adult males and females sitting around a fireplace melted off the soles of all of their shoes
-A young male passed out on a heater, thus branding himself for life
-A young white male became so intoxicated from tequila that he slipped while sitting on the ledge of a bathtub. He was unable to remove himself from the tub without assistance.
The following are charges brought solely on PATRON;
PATRON, (which is the root of the word "patronize") is a derivative of a Latin root word meaning "to make an ass of yourself"
-Two young white females and a young white male decided to patronize a Juarez, Mexico strip club, which is easily the most traumatizing experience possible during life on planet earth
-A young white male, an avid drinker, was forced (by Patron) to pass out to the point of being drawn on in Sharpie for the only time in his life
Thursday, March 17, 2011
How To: Have the Perfect One Night Stand
Note: Once you've mastered this, you might want to give The Train Olympwrecks event, "The Morning After," a try.
Ah, the One Night Stand. The ONS. That one-time-only hot* tryst with a hot** stranger. Deep down, everyone wants to have a one night stand-- just (at least) one, just to try it, much like weed. Also, like weed, there is a high likelihood that you'll love it and keep coming back for more, BUT only if you get the good shit right up front. That's where we come in. Assuming everyone really does want the ONS, everyone also really does want to not feel like a huge slut when they wake up in the morning. One night stands are a great way to get exercise, raise your self-esteem and feel like a real, functioning member of American society, which, like it or not, now includes shit like "Jersey Shore." Aside from all that, a ONS is the perfect platform for you to get acrobatically dirrty.
*drunk
**drunk
As veterans of the ONS, one might say we've earned our Purple Hearts on the front lines. Here are the quintessential basics for a perfect, non-messy, un-sloppy One Night Stand.
First and foremost, you MUST meet this person randomly, out on the town; read: NOT at a party! The potential web of friendship at parties should be seen as a huge ONS cockblock***. Clearly, there is absolutely NO WAY you and your target can be introduced. How are you going to feel when your sweet friend Mary (like the virgin) asks where you and Tim went last night? Not cool. The best One Night Stands (the only kind if you ask us) are with complete strangers. Upon meeting your target ass (preferably at a public place where copious amounts of alcohol are being consumed) see if you can swiftly, stealthily look them up on your smartphone**** piece-of-shit Facebook app. You want NO MORE THAN two, totally random mutual friends. (Obviously, DO NOT add them. That would be an extremely amateur mistake.) Adversely, you can go the route of just not ever bothering to learn their name. (If you've got any sort of imagination, you should be able to come up with more creative things to yell out in bed. This is a fun way to incorporate your one-time-lover's race or ethnicity!)
***if you're looking for a "Fuck Buddy" (someone you do more than once) parties are totally acceptable. Just know that all your mutual friends are going to know every detail of your sex.
****if you're not a peasant
The second and final step is to make sure that the attraction is purely physical. We're talking, down-home, animalistic, National Geographic attraction*****. How in god's name are you going to feel after knowing your latest bedpost notch belongs to someone with the body of a god? Pretty goddamn good. Models, actors, athletes and trust fund babies (please don't literally fuck any babies) are just a few of the general ideal demographics. Moreover, the hotter the body, hopefully the lower the IQ. Like freshman girls getting "drunk" off non-alcoholic margarita mix, you may have to trick yourself into not wanting to date this person. It's hard to not want to go back for seconds if you are attracted to the body AND mind. What we're saying here is, hopefully your target is an idiot. Don't be afraid of aiming too high (too hot) though. Alcohol works wonders! (Especially in towns like Los Angeles where one witty comment is enough to make someone unzip their pants because brains are so hard to come by.) Buying your target a few tequila shots is as good as strapping the beer goggles on their pretty little face yourself.
*****sorry to bring the image of saggy amazonian tits into your mind.
The formula is simple...
RANDOM STRANGER + HOT LOOKS = YOUR PERFECT ONE NIGHT STAND
Who said you'd never use math in the real world?
It works everytime! Now you can revisit this simple equation again and again, without seeming like a slut! See the beauty of it now? If no one knows about it, it's like it never happened. (Condoms help. Seriously.)
It's simple. It's easy. It's attainable. (It suddenly makes more sense why both of us got the "Inspirational" result on a personality test.)
Now, go get 'em, tigers!
Ah, the One Night Stand. The ONS. That one-time-only hot* tryst with a hot** stranger. Deep down, everyone wants to have a one night stand-- just (at least) one, just to try it, much like weed. Also, like weed, there is a high likelihood that you'll love it and keep coming back for more, BUT only if you get the good shit right up front. That's where we come in. Assuming everyone really does want the ONS, everyone also really does want to not feel like a huge slut when they wake up in the morning. One night stands are a great way to get exercise, raise your self-esteem and feel like a real, functioning member of American society, which, like it or not, now includes shit like "Jersey Shore." Aside from all that, a ONS is the perfect platform for you to get acrobatically dirrty.
*drunk
**drunk
As veterans of the ONS, one might say we've earned our Purple Hearts on the front lines. Here are the quintessential basics for a perfect, non-messy, un-sloppy One Night Stand.
First and foremost, you MUST meet this person randomly, out on the town; read: NOT at a party! The potential web of friendship at parties should be seen as a huge ONS cockblock***. Clearly, there is absolutely NO WAY you and your target can be introduced. How are you going to feel when your sweet friend Mary (like the virgin) asks where you and Tim went last night? Not cool. The best One Night Stands (the only kind if you ask us) are with complete strangers. Upon meeting your target ass (preferably at a public place where copious amounts of alcohol are being consumed) see if you can swiftly, stealthily look them up on your smartphone**** piece-of-shit Facebook app. You want NO MORE THAN two, totally random mutual friends. (Obviously, DO NOT add them. That would be an extremely amateur mistake.) Adversely, you can go the route of just not ever bothering to learn their name. (If you've got any sort of imagination, you should be able to come up with more creative things to yell out in bed. This is a fun way to incorporate your one-time-lover's race or ethnicity!)
***if you're looking for a "Fuck Buddy" (someone you do more than once) parties are totally acceptable. Just know that all your mutual friends are going to know every detail of your sex.
****if you're not a peasant
The second and final step is to make sure that the attraction is purely physical. We're talking, down-home, animalistic, National Geographic attraction*****. How in god's name are you going to feel after knowing your latest bedpost notch belongs to someone with the body of a god? Pretty goddamn good. Models, actors, athletes and trust fund babies (please don't literally fuck any babies) are just a few of the general ideal demographics. Moreover, the hotter the body, hopefully the lower the IQ. Like freshman girls getting "drunk" off non-alcoholic margarita mix, you may have to trick yourself into not wanting to date this person. It's hard to not want to go back for seconds if you are attracted to the body AND mind. What we're saying here is, hopefully your target is an idiot. Don't be afraid of aiming too high (too hot) though. Alcohol works wonders! (Especially in towns like Los Angeles where one witty comment is enough to make someone unzip their pants because brains are so hard to come by.) Buying your target a few tequila shots is as good as strapping the beer goggles on their pretty little face yourself.
*****sorry to bring the image of saggy amazonian tits into your mind.
The formula is simple...
RANDOM STRANGER + HOT LOOKS = YOUR PERFECT ONE NIGHT STAND
Who said you'd never use math in the real world?
It works everytime! Now you can revisit this simple equation again and again, without seeming like a slut! See the beauty of it now? If no one knows about it, it's like it never happened. (Condoms help. Seriously.)
It's simple. It's easy. It's attainable. (It suddenly makes more sense why both of us got the "Inspirational" result on a personality test.)
Now, go get 'em, tigers!
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