How To: Have The Worst Night Ever

We've all had that night: your friends all turn into assholes, your lose something* and you drink entirely too much. God has granted us the serenity to know that we cannot change this, so accept it. Shitty nights happen, and they will continue to happen. Instead of fighting it, we here at Logic prefer remain one step ahead of fate. Why not take control of the situation and plan your worst night ever? What better than to turn it into a challenge** or a game***?

*wallet, phone, virginity, dignity, etc.
**for all the other competetive assholes like ourselves.
***for the other perpetual children who won't do anything unless it's for fun.

 HOW TO HAVE THE WORST NIGHT EVER: A Scavenger Game
Our Logic scavenger games are a lot like life. The goal is to win (and, of course, cheating is always acceptable if you get away with it)

A night full of bad decisions starts with just one. In this case, it's the people you surround yourself with. If you hang out with....

+1 Drunk crying girl.
+1 Repressed homosexual who wants to fight.
+1 An ex that you still have feelings for/that still has feeling for you.*
-1 Designated driver.
-1 A caring, supportive friend.
-1 Anyone you actually like.

*These points do not count if you both still have feelings for each other. You guys are both sluts.

At this point it's time to starting drinking but all alcohol is not created equally.

+1 Whiskey and/or Tequila
+1 Four Loko
+1 Every time to you switch to a different alcohol
-1 Each glass of water*
-1 Anything that does not cause you to blackout before midnight.
-1 Every drink you have if the total at the end of the night is less than 7**.

 *This includes before you went out. The goal here is to be dehydrated as fuck. Preferably, all you've eaten all day is a red bull and some doritos.
**Because it's wasteful and irresponsible to drink without the intention of forgetting. Trust us, if it's the worst night ever, you're going to want to forget.

Now that you are drunk with a bunch of assholes*, where do you go next?

*You better also be acting like an asshole.

+2 Just go. Anywhere. Who cares or knows where. These points are not applicable if you know where you are going.
+1 Going to a packed place where you know no one and have no way of getting home
+1 An after hours party with less than 3 people. (Example: 3 sketchy Russians in hoodies you met on Hollywood Blvd with a bottle of gin.)
+1 Going home with someone disgusting looking. (+2 if you have good sex.)
-1 Going home.
-1 Going to an awesome party.
-1 Going home with someone incredible looking. (-2 if you have good sex.)

 It is impossible for you night to be as bad as it can be without a little recreational drug use.

+1 Acid. (+2 if you've never tried it)
+1 Every line of coke you do after the sun comes up. (If you use NyQuil to fall asleep as a result, these points are no longer valid.)
+1 Any combination of drugs that cost you more than 50% of your current checking account balance. (+2 for overdrafting your account to buy drugs)
-1 Every drug that's there that you don't do. (-2 if the drugs are directly offered to you. -3 if they're free.)
-1 Taking a tylenol before going to sleep.
-1 For having a really great high.

All good things must come to end and now it is time to go home. This is a perfect opportunity to go home with a stranger because you are too lazy to try to figure out home to get home.

+1 Walking (+2 for walking barefoot.)
+1 Taking the bus. (+2 if you have ask for money to take the bus.)
+1 Attempting to drive home drunk and getting a DUI. (-2 if you don't get caught. +2 for getting caught driving drunk because you crashed into something. +1 for each one thousand dollars worth of property damage you cause.)
-1 Taking a cab*. 
-1 Getting home before 3 am.
-1 Getting home at all.

*Note: Cab rides can easily turn into positive points. +1 for taking a cab but not having enough money or losing your phone, wallet, or keys. +1 for everything you leave in the cab. +2 if you left behind personal belongings after not paying for the cab ride.

And, finally, no horrible night is complete without a horrible morning after.
+2 Only throwing up bile.
+1 Waking up to realize you've wet the bed. (+2 If you're not sleeping alone.)
+1 Waking up with a new tattoo.
-1 Throwing up.
-1 Being hungover to the point that you stay in bed until 5.
-1 Being afraid to check your bank account balance.

You've finally reached your goal. Blood, tears, drinks and drugs have been spilled. You might even have a new a STD (+1). Now you that you've gotten that out of the way, you can rest assured that you will never have a night as bad this one (and start looking to the future, to your upcoming court date.) You just had the worst night ever. Congratulations.

Memorial Day Weekend: A Memorial

Memorial Day is rapidly approaching. We hope you've been starving yourself, subjecting yourself to skin cancer (or getting gross spray tans) and killing yourself at the gym just so you can feel sort of comfortable in your bathing suit this summer! Awesome! It's pool season! We love holidays and make a point of celebrating them all* We don't know about you, but we have absolutely no idea what the fuck "Memorial Day" is even for. We don't like not knowing. We do, however, love celebrating. So, in honor of this 2011 Memorial Day, here is a short, to-the-point list of things we'll miss over Summer '11.

*Lauren still has Stars of David hanging from her ceiling** from Channukkah (or however the fuck your spell it)

**Law of attraction-ing Jews, anyone?

Oprah - To be clear, we do not miss Oprah. Not at all. We do miss hating Oprah. Every weekday for the last 25 years, people around the globe have had an excuse to allow themselves to be completely engulfed in hatred for a solid afternoon hour. No other television show throughout time has made you appreciate the quality of commercials and we doubt another show ever will.***

***Except maybe anything with the Kardashians

Winter - If you haven't noticed, we love to bitch... and we love doing things that we love. The more reason we have to complain, the more we talk, the happier we are. With the weather so perfect right now, we'll just be sitting outside, getting a tan with a cocktail in our hand with nothing to complain about*****. How. Fucking. Boring. After we finish relaxing poolside, there will be nothing to do but frantically search for things to whine about and we really hate searching for things. The only thing left to complain about is the fact that we have nothing to complain about and we hate being redundant.

*****Maybe we should take up watching the Kardashians
Bin Laden - Don't get us wrong, we're glad he's dead. The thing is, we are really going to miss knowing that our country is as bad at finding things as we are. We suddenly feel much worse about misplacing our cell phones on an hourly basis. Our motto: When life gives you lemons, smoke weed and lose them. America's motto: When Afghanistan gives you lemons, bomb Iraq and deny the existence of lemons.

The Rapture - There was absolutely no way for things to go wrong if the Rapture happened. Either we go to Heaven and prove all those religious types wrong once and for all or we get to stay on Earth for a blow-out party until the world ends. Sure, demons would have been chewing off our faces but that doesn't matter so much when you've done so much blow you can't feel your face. Also, we were kind of excited to not have to hear anymore Christian radio.

Manly Men - Nowadays, even the manliest of men start their day by drinking a fucking shake they've made in the kitchen with a blender. Back in the day, manly men hunted and killed wild beasts by hand to get their protein. To top it all off, they did it without a drop of gel in their hair. However, who are we to say that cavemen had six packs? Because at the end of the day, we will never forget that it's what's on the outside that counts. Like an endangered species, manly men will not be able to flourish until, as a world united, everyone agrees to stop making/wearing/selling/buying any tight t-shirts bedazzled with rhinestones.

Yes, the fact that most of these things are gone is a great thing. With so many terrible things gone though, the curve has been altered. Now whats good isn't as good anymore. Don't get too down on yourself though, we're leaving you with a quick list of things to remind you how good life really is.

Maria Shriver just found out that The Governator has a 10 YEAR OLD LOVE CHILD. Suddenly, it really doesn't seem like a big deal that you're boyfiend of 2 months cheated on you.

Kim Kardashian is getting married. No matter what happens in life, you can always change the channel when "Kim and Kris" comes on.

A parade of idiocy is making a move for the Republican Presidential Nomination. We have another year and a half to watch them be morons without a moment of concern that one of them might actually win.

So, here we are, ringing in the Summer of 2011 with a smile, memorializing the atrocities of the past, cracking a cold beverage and cheers-ing to the less-bad goodness to come.

Also, a friendly reminder to do yourself a favor: don't wear a bathing suit if you don't look good in a bathing suit.

Bible Translations for Jesus' Children: Drug Dealers

It's that time again, Bible Translations for Jesus' Children: Drug Dealers

The tempter came to him and said, “If you are the Son of God, tell these stones to become bread.”
--Matthew 4:3-4

Obviously this verse is about drug use.  Let's break it down...

The tempter: The drug dealer
came to him: Went out of his way to meet his customer
and said,: and either said out loud or sent a text
"If you are the Son of God: If you're not a cop
tell these stones: pay me X amount of money
to become bread": and i will turn your money into drugs

Previous Bible Translations for Jesus' Children...
The Police 03/15/2011