How To Be: Classy as Shit

(Lauren's response to "How To Be: Fierce as Fuck")

Class, class, class. Will Ferrel reminds San Diego to "Stay Classy." Lauren Bacall has an ad on YouTube for instant coffee (trash) to this day. Being classy is not a state of mind, being classy is, frankly, a way of being. Class does not limit your actions but it is defined by your reactions. Paris Hilton has an extensive criminal record, a sex tape and obnoxiously gold-framed portraits of herself covering every wall in her home.* Ask anyone, though: she is one classy bitch. Being classy is the way you hold your Natty Lite with your pinky finger out. Being classy is the way you react to your phone being hacked and your sexy naked pictured being leaked all over the internet with poise, like Rihanna or Vanessa Hudgens (who got to fuck Efron for a year, by the way). Being classy is the way you react to being the victim of violence (whether at the hands of the Vegas PD or Chris Brown) over an interview with Barbara Walters**. Being classy is having unrealistic standards for potential lovers... and finding/fucking these symbolic unicorns. (Hint: they're male models). Class isn't for everyone. People who scream at their brother/husband our of their trailer and throw fried chicken to make a point aren't, per se, groomed for class. However, that's never stopped them from calling themselves things like "Redneck Princess." Class is a way of silent passive aggression. Class is never talking badly about someone behind their back*** (unless it's someone you've slept with.) Class is being able to black out at a party and have people wonder if you've even been drinking. Class is being able to wear cashmere from Ross and make it look like a million bucks. Class is being able to curse like a sailor while sitting daintily and leaving everyone wondering if you are a distant relative of Jackie O. Class is walking into a crowded room and turning the crowd into your audience. Being classy as shit isn't something that one can learn, it's the way you let yourself be.

*Don't ask me how I know this, but trust me, I do.
**Barb is a quintessential classy lady
***Or doing it directly to their face and having them feel priviledged to hear your "feedback"

A wise man once said "being classy is the best revenge." "I'm not out for revenge," you say. Good. Neither am I. But if you're out painting the town red like your lips, you're bound to round up a group of jealous haters. This is a sign of being a classy, classy bitch. Cheers, from my glass or Rosé to yours.

How to Be: Fierce as Fuck

I'm sure we've all heard the saying "happiness isn't having what you want, its wanting what you have." The same goes with being fierce. Being fierce doesn't entail winning a Grammy like Beyonce, designing for Posh Spice like Christian Siriano or having two TV shows like Tyra. Take it from someone who drives a baby blue Buick from the early 90's. This car's blinkers don't blink, the driver side door doesn't open and there is no way to play music in it short of listening to your ipod but I've earned the nickname "Sire Fierce." Ferocity (as I like to call it) comes from knowing how fuckin' fierce you actually are. It comes from the way you roll your eyes or sharply exhale when annoyed. It comes from always looking like you are walking down a goddamn runway without even trying. It comes from always having the bitchy retort to any comment. Being fierce isn't for everyone but don't think you need to drive a G Wagon to be fierce. It can't be bought but it can be learned. People who are fierce statistically (okay, this is made up) get jobs over people who aren't fierce, make more money and get arrested less. So it's pretty important to be fierce. This is especially true since, you can be broke, homeless and 95 years old but if you are playing your cards right, people will still want to be you. So tomorrow, wake up in the morning feeling like Beyonce and go make shit happen.
*It has been brought to my attention that Fierce people do not get arrested less, they actually get arrested more. Never fear though, fierce people generally get their charges dropped.

How to: Be a Financial AllStar

We have goals for the future. We each want to have a nice house, a new car, fancy furniture, lots of electronics and maybe a personal assistant or two. We are also willing to bet you want these things too. You might think that "money doesn't buy happiness." Good for you but, in this clusterfuck day and age, you're wrong. We are 100% confident that anyone who has ever uttered those words has accepted the cruel fate of, at best, middle class (or has a job doing something they truly love. Yoga teaching, anyone?)  You might think that people who have nice things actually paid for them out of pocket but, again, you are probably totally wrong. You need to realize that the reason people have nice shit is because someone else paid for it. No one wants to break their back trying to support their family AND have nice things. That is what makes having great credit vital, especially when the economy we live in is a bigger trainwreck than us on Fat Tuesday (or any given Thursday, Friday or Saturday night.)

We are in no way a financial genius or even semi-competent at living in today's society. Luckily, the fact of the matter doesn't actually matter. We refuse to give up on having a life surrounded by lots of money (Scrooge McDuck anyone?) and that is what makes us the most qualified people to fix this crisis. (Blow us, Suze Orman.) Desperation is key. We truly have discovered the trick to fixing the bullshit mess that the American economy, credit card companies and credit lenders have converged to become. Pay close attention because we can't do it without YOU!

Please note that this plan is a complete and total resolution to the problem and not an overnight fix.  Martin Luther King said it best: Rome wasn't built in a day.  If you are the kind of person that wants an exchange for your phone 3 seconds into talking to technical support, read no futher. Actually, read on and stop being an ass.

For starters, it's essential to play lenders' and collectors' games. If they are going to harass you about getting "their money," why not do the same?  To be fair, you probably never had the money their panties are in a bunch over in the first place, so who are they to try and collect money that was never yours nor theirs?  This brings us to an essential point: anytime you have the opportunity to get money from someone else (read: are offered some sort of loan or credit card), take it. Sure, having your credit checked will hurt your score, but who cares?  Not you!  Be persistent.  There will always be a big enough idiot out there to give you money. Say, for example, your lesbian friend drags you along to Home Depot. Even though you've never wanted to purchase anything here, you've made the adult decision that you simply can not live without a 500 pack of neon colored zipties. Don't let yourself talk yourself out of this purchase.  Moreover, when you make said idiotic purchase, incquire about a Home Depot credit card. If they approve you, obviously your next move is to buy more stupid shit that you will never, ever 'need' but can easily rationalize purchasing. Paint your whole house, upgrade your appliances even though the closest you get to cooking is getting stoned and watching the Food Network, buy an outdoor heater even though you live in an apartment. Fuck it, the possibilties are endless. Go wild.

The next step is to never ever pay your bills. Like "The Secret" says, 'pretend your bills are checks in the mail.'  (If you were getting checks from Time Warner Cable, you sure as shit wouldn't send Time Warner Cable money back, right?)  That said, it's best if you aren't the only one doing this.  Try to convince your friends and family to stop paying their bills too. Make it into a "Pay It Forward" sort of thing. If every one of us can convince 3 people to stop paying their bills, who in turn, convince 3 more people to stop paying their bills, we are on the right track.  As monetary idiots, we're all familiar with the concept of pyramid schemes.  What we're saying here is that we need to band together to help everyone screw up their credit. Your 320 credit score will stop looking so ugly once all the scores plummet to the 300s.* If we can get the median to drop down to the mid 300s there is no longer a problem. Suddenly you don't seem like such a fuck-up.

*Like the semi-attractive girl who brings out all of her ugly friends, thus becoming "the hot girl"

As a united front, we need to keep looking for opportunities to stick it to these bastards**. Make sure you do everything in your power to cost collectors at least as much time and money as they are trying to get out of you, if not more. Make it habit to always answer the phone when creditors call. For the sake of efficiency, change your ring back tone to the most obnoxious song you can find so you can start annoying them before you've even said "hello." Drag these phone calls out as long as possible. Assuming that these collectors are only making about $10 dollars an hour, you need to waste at least 100 hours on them. If you aren't creative enough to kill that much time, trying busting out the Twilight series or SkyMall and just read it to them. However, neither one of us really has that kind of time and by that we mean we don't really have that kind of attention span.

**People that understand that giving me $1,000 and expecting me to pay back is a terrible idea

So what else can we do? If you can be a big enough ass to get one employee to quit, you have made a huge stride in screwing with this company***. The half assed google search that I've completed tells me it costs about $4,800 to hire and train a new call center employee. If at this point you start feeling like a terrible person, keep in mind that you pay taxes. You've probably already paid these companies. If anything, they owe you money. Don't stop there though, get as many employees as possible to quit. You can go ahead and stop once someone that was hired as a result of you getting someone else to quit resigns. I have no clue how you'll know this and you will probably be blacklisted from calling in before that happens, so take this as far as your short attention span allows.

***Now, to be clear, we do not support mistreating employees who are just trying to make ends meet but this is one situation where it's in your best interest to get creative.  Also, call us crazy, but quitting a shitty call center job is probably a huge blessing (potentially not even in disguise)

We admit, these tips aren't going to fix your problems over night.  A much easier fix, as previously mentioned, is to have someone else pay for all of your shit for you.  Now, creepy old guys will ALWAYS be on the lookout for some baby bimbo to spoil rotten/have suck them off.  Call us crazy, but this is gross.  Anna Nicole Smith would agree if she wasn't dead.  No.  We are here once and for all to put an end to this poppycock.  Being "shallow" is really just a bitchy term ugly people put on those of us who have insanely high standards/aren't blind/know that someone's sparking personality isn't enough to make us want to passionately jump their bones.  Don't hate.  Beggars can't be choosers.  For example, one of us ate blueberries and soy milk for breakfast, hiked 20+ miles in the past week and teaches yoga for christ sake.  Being "hot" isn't always "easy" but it IS definitely always worth it.  Obviously it's in everyone's best interest to get married.  Clearly, the target has perfect credit and, thus, as someone with prefect credit, we can assume that they play by the rules.  This means one thing: charming, young, hot things are IRRESISTIBLE to them.  Everyone wins here.  As hot young things we acknowledge that we totally deserve to be married**** and the older "daddy" type clearly believes that, with their lifelong history of obeying rules and paying bills, they deserve nothing less than a barely-legal hottie to be at their beck and call.*****

****Remember, divorce is ALWAYS an option
*****Do small shit like "cook" frozen Trader Joes entrees or give half-assed back massages

 The moral of this scientific, factual article: In the process of creditors collecting losses from you, cause even more losses for the company.   Marry rich. Actually, don't do that either, your credit will screw theirs up too. Just get someone rich to get you pregnant. There we go. Problem solved. Now what to do with this baby...

How to be a Fantastic Employee

(another repost from The Daily Smut. This one is timeless.)

Day before yesterday I celebrated* my 1-year anniversary working for this company— and yes, I am absolutely counting the 3+ months I was off after I quit.  This milestone, having nothing to do with my career or anything I happen to give a flying fuck about in this life, got me thinking, and, as I so often do, I came to an abrupt conclusion: I am a fucking fantastic employee.

 *Celebrated in the way that you celebrate the anniversary of your lover’s tragic death 

The Daily Smut is clearly about making life better.  What information could possibly be more helpful in leading a happy, fulfilling existence than strict guidelines insuring one’s employment?  This guide to being a fantastic employee is essentially a more useful version of The Secret’s chapter on Abundance and Wealth. So, let’s take it from the top.When starting a new job (or checking yourself before you’re wrecking yourself with your current gig), the following are a few talents you want to have mastered right out of the gate. 

As a fantastic employee, you should be able to:

1. Appropriately gage everyone’s Give-A-Fuck (GAF) Level.  GAF level gaging is the single most important skill one should hope to master in this lifetime. If you can accurately gage someone’s Give-A-Fuck Level, you’ll be able to exceed in every aspect of your relationship with the person.  For example, if you read your new co-workers GAF level as Very Low or Nonexistent (which is ideal), you will be able to not only make a new friend but take 45-minute 10-minute breaks while said coworker covers for you and, clearly, you’ll return the favor.  This also goes both ways, however.  If you judge a customer’s GAF level as Low and proceed to treat them as such (i.e. keeping it real, cursing, admitting that you have no idea how much that item is supposed to cost) when in reality their GAF level is High, you may have fucked yourself.  Never underestimate the destructive power of someone who Gives a Fuck.  This customer may report you to their friend, The Owner; they may call and file a formal complaint; they may make an offhand comment  to your manager about your horrendous customer service.  YOU MUST LEARN THIS SKILL.  Practice makes perfect.

2. Accurately (if not slightly under-) Expressing Your OWN Give-A-Fuck (GAF) Level There are many effective ways to communicate your personal GAF level.  Now, ideally, your GAF level at work is non-existent (if not very, very low).  One of my favorite ways to express how much of a fuck I absolutely don’t give is with my CLOTHES.  You should aim for your outfit to say “while I’m technically in workplace-appropriate attire, I’m just showing up.”  This ranges from workplace to workplace. 

Scenario #1 When working at a “hip” “cool” retail store that asks you to look “fashionable and casual,” obviously your target outfit would absolutely butcher and rape the term “casual chic”; think spandex leggings, ballet flats, a tank top and a scarf if female; aim for as much flannel and jersey material as possible if you’re male.  The main goal in this setting is to come as close to straight-up wearing pajamas as humanly possible without actually rocking sweatpants.  It should also go without saying that in this scenario, you are absolutely not allowed to comb or brush your hair. (Teasing your hair is totally acceptable)

Scenario #2 When working at “upscale” “classy” retail or office locations, you are STILL communicating the same GAF level as in Scenario #1, but in this instance you must do it with a little more finesse (and possibly a dash of prescription pills).  If your company has requested that you look “elegant” or wear “business attire” to work, your assignment is this: Push the envelope whereever possible.  Wearing a classy dress, stockings and heels? I hope that dress is just a little too short.  Blazer and dress slacks?  There best be some mufukn cleavage happening.  Wearing pressed linen pants and a cashmere sweater? Fuck it— go flip-flops.  Flawless ensemble?  Throw on a necklace that’s obviously missing a jewel.  Men: un-tuck your shirttails whenever possible; tie your tie a little fucked-up; make sure your shirt is kinda tastelessly wrinkled.

Scenario #3 When working in a uniformed environment— from Burger King to The Army to The Chippendales— the ridiculous nature of your uniform will more than redeem itself when you realize how easy it is to make it clear that you don’t Give-A-Fuck with your outfit.  Even the slightest “error” will make your shitty costume stick out like a sore thumb from the rest of your troupe.  Nametag? Pin it on crooked (or not at all).  Belt Required? Wear black instead of the mandated brown.  Navy Blue Shirt?  Robin’s Egg Blue Shirt.  Shined Shoes? Or not.  Hat?  To da back. 

Aside from your clothes, other popular ways to express how much of a fuck you don’t give include not editing your eye-rolls, always chewing gum/eating, refusal to take off your sunglasses inside, and remember: reeking of booze and/or marijuana is always a nice touch. 

Once you’re assesed and expressed Compay GAF levels, you should be in pretty good standing at work.  

Assuming you’ve mastered the art of GAF Gaging, you’ll want to: 

Know Your Surroundings. 

-You must be aware of a few things: Are there cameras? If so, you’ll have to use your intuition to develop a texting-method that will go unnoticed by any asshole monitoring you.  If you have internet available, you should know, without a doubt, whether your history is closely monitored, if you can simply delete your history, or if you’ve just got total free reign to facebook chat and jerk off to amateur porn.  If you work on the phone, are your calls monitored?  If you have products in the workplace, know what’s up with inventory.  Is inventory spot on? Is inventory a shitstorm?  If it’s the latter combined with the lack of security cameras, take shit.  Basically it’s in your best interest to know just how tight of a ship your bosses are really running.

-Know your body and know what you need to stay healthy.  Is there a Starbucks or Coffee Bean closeby?  If not, how the fuck are you going to get your caffene?  You may want too consider bringing cocaine or other miscellaneous uppers with you.  If you smoke weed, do you have an alley to blaze in?  Or are you forced to find a coworker with a low GAF level to smoke in their car?  Or are you in Hollywood where you can just light up on the sidewalk?  Things you should be aware of  (if not know off-hand): Closest drug dealer to your work location, closest booty call to your work location, closest place you can go to just fuck away some time while still on-the-clock. 

SET THE BAR LOW.When considering a job (NOT a career), it pretty much goes without saying that it is, without a doubt, in your best interest to set the bar as low as possible from day one.—Rarely Be “On Time.” When starting at a new job, it is essential that right off the bat you establish that being “on-time” is not going to be something you make a habit.  Ideally, your first day on the job comes with some sort of gigantic morning obstacle: for example, my first day with this company (exactly a year and a day ago, ugh) began with me going outside to my Jeep to find the passenger window smashed, my ipod stolen and shattered glass chards all over the fucking place.  By the time I showed up for my new job — fashionable late — everyone was far too preoccupied with my horrific story to notice I was late on any level but their subconscious.

ALWAYS ON TIME + late once = IN TROUBLE

ALWAYS LATE + on time once = SHINING STAR

ALWAYS LATE + late = STILL JUST HAPPY YOU SHOWED UP

—Never Raise the Bar.  I want to be rewarded on the off-chance that I actually do something that falls under my job description, not repremanded for not doing it.  The key to this skill is to master the Art of Kissing Ass.  If you can kiss your work superiors’ asses to their liking, you really won’t be expected to do a god damn thing wrong. Say that you care more than you do. If you can talk the talk, they’re not going to waste their time monitoring whether or not you actually walk the walk.  Be all talk and no action.  You have to mesh your zero GAF aura with blatant lies and ass-kissing, creating the illusion to your bosses that you DO, in fact, Give-A-Fuck. 

—Balance Your Efforts.  With all the time spent not doing your job, you should have ample time to make yourself seem like you’re going above-and-beyond.  While doing not your job, try and find some small, easy, effortless task for which no one else is officially responsible and do it.  IMPORTANT: When doing this, you must make a gigantic, huge fucking deal about it to ensure that every single work superior you have notices your [highly strategic] move. 

**Advanced Move**— using your drug & alcohol abuse to your advantage.

When you show up disgustingly, ferociously hungover, instead of using your powers to conceal your physical state, get all up in everyone’s grill about it.  Make a huge deal out of how much of a goof employee you are by showing up.  Examples:”I am so fucking hungover I could die! I feel like death! Yet here I am.”“I ate 4 weed brownies yet here I am.”“I was up untl 7am blown out on cocaine, slept for 2 hours, and yet here I am.”

GENERAL WORKPLACE TIPS

-Try to get coworkers into as many compromising situiations as possible.  This creates bonds.  Also it

possibly creates blackmail.  Take your coworkers out for a night on the town, blacking out on vodka, snorting your faces off, murdering a hooker, etc.  Extra points if you document on facebook.

-Know how to make simple tasks take all day. You could re-merchandise the whole store in 45 minutes, but then what the fuck are you supposed to to for the remaining 7 hours and 15 minutes?  More work? 

-Make Alliances with coworkers, work superiors, your bosses and even the fucking owner.  If you’re on everybody’s team (which you’re able to do because you don’t Give-A-Fuck about anything work related — drama included) then you’re never the target.  If there are security guards or Mexicans who do manual labor, you definitely want to be homies with them (security camera leniency + on-the-clock Tecates)

-If you can’t Not Give-A-Fuck, learn to disguise and repress your emotions. See “Passive Aggression” below.

-Locate the Enemies & Work Drama.  Infiltrate them in anyway possible.  Learn their deepest darkest secrets either from them or from someone who hates them.  Store these secrets, you may one day need to use they as ammo.

-Learn to lie well.

-Passive Aggression is key to all successful employees. Learn to take out your rage or disdain for people passively.  Is that cunt at work off as soon as you show up? Be late, obviously.  Don’t work on commission? Try selling NOTHING.  All day.

-Never assume people are going to notice your hard work.  Not that you should work hard regularly, but if you ever do (probably by accident) make sure EVERYONE knows.

-Keep your eyes open for opportunities.  Holiday potluck?  Here’s your chance to be an hour late because you had to bring chips.  If you really want to be the hero, try calling (preferably around the time you’d be 55 minutes late) and offer to bring forks and plates or whatever the fuck these other assholes forgot.  Manager on vacation?  Your workday just got shorter.  Christmas Sale?  Drunk on the sales floor. Have a dressing room?  Someone’s taking naps all day.  The world is your oyster. 

MASTERING THE ART OF CUSTOMER SERVICE

Regardless of the propaganda your employers may have been feeding you, the actual goal of “Customer Service” is to leave the customer with zero expecations for you and/or the company while simultaneously leaving them feeling like you bent-over backwards for them.  NOTE: Customer service policies differ greatly between Retail/Food Service jobs and Phone Service jobs.

SOME NOTABLE DIFFERENCES:

Retail/Restaurant: You want your customer to have a general comprehension of how low your Give-A-Fuck level is immediately.  Let’s use me and my phenominal customer service skills as real life examples:Classy The Waitress: “Look, guys, the service industry is not my forte, so if I fuck up your order or leave you waiting like 30 minutes from an iced-tea refill…. sorry in advance.”Believe it or not, people ate this shit up! They thought I was kidding! (until they actually had to wait 30 minutes for their iced-tea refill, in which case they still can’t be upset because they were given a clear, fair warning)Classy The CounterGirl (responding to a customer’s inquiry as to whether they could touch something): “See that threshhold?” (points to door) “Once I pass through those doors, I’ve designated this room as a No-Give-A-Fuck Zone… so sure, touch whatever you want. I don’t give a fuck.”

Call Center: Obviously the aformentioned methods would not work so well in this industry— in retail you can be as bitchy as you want because those nasty comments never have to be heard again.  (Boss “alright Classy, let’s review that phone call……….”).  On the phone, your customer service goal is still to leave the customer confused as to whether or not they’re actually satisfied, but you must challenge yourself to do it in a creative, passive aggressive way, which can be very fun for you!

A few pointers for call-center soldiers (from Sire Fierce):

-Be so nice that you’re bitchy.

-Always be one step ahead of your customer’s intelligence level.  This ensures that you’ll get all the satisfaction of speaking your snarky, sarcastic comments… but they will essentially fall on deaf ears.

-In the off-chance you misdiagnosed how stupid your customer is and they actually notice and comment on the fact that you’re being a little cunty, immediately retreat (“Sir, oh my goodness, no, that was absolutely not what I meant by that, I would never, EVER imply such a thing…”) and leave them feeling like they were actually the one being an asshole.

-When you get a call from a customer who is being an idiot, point out the obvious slowly and tediously, patronizing them whenever possible.

-Put a mild disclaimer in front of everything you do.  For example: “If I troubleshoot this it should fix everything… but it might fuck shit up.  Do you want me to go through with this?” Of course they do.  That way, if shit gets fucked up, it’s not your fault.  “Ma’am I said that shit could get fucked up and you asked me to go through with it, ma’am.”

-If you fuck up, NEVER admit it.

 **Please Note** If the customer is always right, then how come you are the one who’s had training?  The customer is rarely right.

GENERAL CUSTOMER SERVICE TIPS

-Do your best (without trying) to accurately gage the GAF level.

-Over-use the term “Sir” or “Ma’am” whenever possible.-If on the phone while a customer enters, do NOT acknowledge them.

-Make sure customers are made to feel painfully awkward when approaching you.

-If you’re doing something for a customer that’s totally within your job description, make a big deal about it and make them feel like you’ve gone totally out of your way for them, exhausting your will to live. 

Armed with the knowledge of these fool-proof tips, you should now be well on your way to being a fucking fantastic employee. 

 That said, I hope this article pops up every single time I’m googled by a potential employer (for the rest of time).

How to be a Hit at Family Gatherings

(this article was originally posted on Lauren's photoblog the Daily Smut. We understand that the holidays are over but you will probably have to see your family before that.)

How To: Be a Hit at Family Gatherings

Ah, family. We love our families. We also love to not hear our families’ opinions on things like, say, smut photos, marijuana habits, our drinking buddies, the whores we sleep with and the idiots for whom we work. Here at The Daily Smut Logic According to Us, we know it’s important to keep your friends close and your family closer. Why? Inheritance, for one. Mostly, though, family is about love. We love to love* and suggest everyone else do the same. While The Daily Smut also acknowledges that the best way to lead a happy and fulfilling life is to stay true to yourself and be who you are (no matter what), sometimes it is absolutely to one’s benefit to shroud their horrific lifestyle from, say, Grandma.

*And yes, we use condoms**
**Sometimes

Not only does the holiday block fall during the coldest, bitchy-est, most frigid time of year, but it also all-but-guarantees increased attention from your family. (No wonder seasonal depression is so rampant — thank god*** The Daily Smut is here to save all the world’s tortured, sad souls.) I would also like to note that, for the duration of this article, the term “family” is meant to mean the extended family: aunts, unlcles, cousins, cousins-in-law, in-laws (shudder), nieces, nephews, neighbors that think they’re family, family friends you dislike more than any member of your extended family, etc, not just mom dad sister brother— the smaller demographics are much more manageable. Nay, here we are talking about family gatherings that make even the largest sack of weed seem too small. This also goes for OTHER families’ family gatherings to which you are invited (or your parents are invited and they have successfully forced you into attending.)

***Notice the lack of capitolization on “god”… this is mainly because Christmastime is the most tasteful time of year to go out of your way to irritate those who still think god impregnated a “virgin” jewess.

That said, I recently attended my grandfather’s 90th birthday party and, as usual, I was a smash hit. A smash fucking hit. This was not always the case, however. I too used to let my eyes roll freely at my ignorant aunt or pretentious uncle-in-law. I did not hesitate to let everyone know that I planned on having 4-too-many glasses of red wine at dinner so as to be able to stand the shitshow even though I was, say, sixteen (I’ve been fun for a while.) I full-on smoked cigarettes in front of my doctor relatives just to ruffle some feathers, inviting both criticism and the glorious parade of sarcarm-laden rebuttals that followed. Yeah, I was kind of an asshole, but being an asshole was the most fun a girl (who hates being cold more than anything) could have at any of these wintery, velvet-stretch-pant filled get-togethers when rougly 4 out of 5 relatives at the party are too weak-at-heart to handle my true party persona. I love to party, but damn it I can’t have my relatives see do body shots off Great Aunt Marge. When the family is partying. And the family WILL be partying. Your uncles might not be drinking dirrrrty martinis much before noon like mine, but, I guarantee, they will be partying ****. We started getting wildly fucked the week that Thanksgiving slapped us right in the face out of nowhere like Chris Brown. Family season is upon us. Use this article as a quick reference guide anytime you don’t have a choice but to go to the god damn gathering.

**** Even if their definition of “partying” involves cider and a game of ‘Go Fish’

Now, like I said before, I am and have been a hit at family gatherings for a while now. What gave, you might ask? Well, I pulled my head out of my ass, for one, and realized that, while my family is a time-bomb of judgement waiting to go off, so is everyone else’s. I realized that even though most of them may be constantly on the verge of a having heart-attack, always irritated and high-strung for no apparent reason or staunch republican voters, I can still be the sane(?), cool one. And so can you. If you follow these fool-proof tips, you’ll have your family eating out of the palm of your winter glove-covered hand in no time, making it rain on you in every holiday card you’ll be guaranteed to receive from even the most distant of relatives (unless they’re broke or don’t give a fuck either, in which case you should email them this article). Partially for your potential entertainment, partially for my definite entertainment and partially to help my cunty readers swallow the idea of deliberate family-ass-kissing, I alotted points to each move…

YES. IT’S A FAMILY GATHERING SCAVENGER HUNT: HOLIDAY EDITION I like winners, plain and simple. I also love a fuckin challenge. I don’t know about you, but every chance I get, I’m gonna make this scavenger game my bitch. While I do believe that a good relationhip (and inheritance) with your family is incentive enough to sorta behave (sorta), I always like an added dash of blood-thirty competition (even if only against my own previous scores) and a good, solid motive behind my each and every move. I’ve divided the “moves” into two simple groups: moves that will earn you points and moves that will lose you points. I won’t delegate how to play the game, though. The Daily Smut endorses finding your own way. Maybe you goal is to hit negative 100 because your family members are total assholes and you’re fucking over it. Maybe you’ve got money on your mind and are looking to rack in as many positive points as possible. Maybe you want to get all Richard Gere on that shit, Buddhist-style, and find the middle way, trying to break even at zero. Whatever your goal, this handy dandy point system is guaranteed to add a dash of ‘will-to-live’ to your holiday family plans.

**Before playing, please REMEMBER: KNOW YOUR AUDIENCE!**

POSITIVE POINTS
+7 points— playing with the kids (i.e. ping pong, hide and go seek, etc)
+9 points— end a feud with a relative
+2 points— give great-grandma a kiss
+6 points— covering for your more-senior relative who is smoking pot in the garage (i.e. distracting your little cousins while your aunt hits the bong) (+8 points if the person you’re covering for is the host of the party)
+10 points— when family is on your turf, you can earn major points for finding your older rich uncle excellent weed to purchase. you also then can smoke excellent weed on your uncle’s dime while simultaneously ensuring your spot in his heart (and will)
+4 points— getting an underage cousin/sibling drunk without their parents noticing (-4 points if their parents notice. you should break even since you obviously don’t really give a fuck)
+1 point for every ally you have (i.e. the uncle you snuck you beers since you were 14, the aunt who likes that you always slice the tomatoes for her salad, etc)
+3 points— falling asleep on the couch (preferably during the afternoon and/or evening). For some reason everyone seems to think this is just so fucking cute.
+2 points— allowing a relative to look something up on your smartphone (-3 points if, when they open your web browser, they see this article)
+3 points —hold the baby (NOT when you’re drunk)
+5 points— utilize a camera. Nothing says “I give a fuck about this family” like whipping out a camera at every chance you get. If you really want to beat everybody over the head with it, bring a video camera. (Of course, if you have a digital camera that takes video, this also works, but it is far mroe obnoxious to run around shoving a camcorder in everyone’s face.) Don’t have a video camera? Find someone older than you at the party and offer to tape the event for them. (+2 if you offer to take footage for Grandma, Grandpa or the host)

NEGATIVE POINTS
-2 points— smelling like hard alcohol before dinner (-4 points if it’s before noon) NOTE: This is only in poor taste if, say, your mother or born-again Christian aunt get a whiff. You’ll know they smelled it when you’re on the receiving end of a truly nasty look.
-6 points— responding appropriately when, hypothetically, your cunty aunt makes a comment about how unimportant your dayjob is and you swiftly fire back with something along the lines of “Well unfortunately for me, I missed our on the golddigging gene. Shit, if I were you, I’d essentially blow a fat guy for my livelihood too. I got the shallow gene instead.” Something along those lines. Hypothetically. -play with the kids
-4 points— getting caught tweeting during Christmas mass. (-8 points if your mother reads your twitter and sees that you were tweeting about how Jesus is make believe)
-2 points— telling the aunt no one likes to fuck off/fuck herself etc NOTE: This will obviously earn you +10 points from anyone who shares the same sentiment about said aunt
-5 points— telling your mom or dad to fuck off even though they deserved it [you’re disqualified if you tell your grandparents to fuck off (unless you feel that your family is the exeption: read- there is nothing loving or adorable or kind about your grandparents)]
-8 points— puking in the bathroom toilet; -9 for puking discreetly in a trash can; -10 for puking in the yard; you straight-up fucking lose if you puke anywhere but a toilet, trashcan or the yard. If you’re in the wilderness, say, camping, you can puke anywhere at no cost to your hard-earned points)

And finally, on a more serious note, if you love ‘em, tell ‘em. Often

A Guide to Adoption: Don't Fuck Up.

Disclaimer : Obviously, all children are a gift from God. This article is not implying that any baby is better than another, even though some clearly are.

Adoption is hot shit right now, there's no denying that.  First came Kabbalah, then came Ugg boots and finally the newest, hottest Hollywood trend is adoption.  Well, you scoff, Uggs are no longer "in" and everyone thinks Esther is fuckin' nuts, adoption must be on the way out, right? Wrong.  I think we can all take a big breath in, sigh it the fuck out, and thank the Jolie-Pitts for making us feel like ingrates for wanting to have children the old-fashioned way: on accident.

So you want a Chinese baby? We don't blame you. Asian babies are one of the hottest trends of all time but there a few important things to remember. Babies are not like dogs; once they are no longer little and cute it is, unfortunately, not appropriate to stick them in the backyard.  Also, like pets, you can't just give them to your parents once you realize you are shitty at taking care of things*.  This makes it very important to ensure you get the right baby the first time around. Don't make a snap decision when it comes to picking a baby. Stick to our rules and you won't go wrong.

*Unless you are Mexican**

**Though we can't imagine Mexicans adopting, they seem to have the whole "procreation" thing down

(Mormons, sister wives and bazillions of children [also Catholics] are to be covered at a later date)First, it's important to get a general idea of the baby's temperment. If there is a parent on site when you go baby shopping, its best to get a look at them. Make sure they aren't too high strung or aggressive. Check for signs of meth abuse or heroin habits (arm tracks).  If possible, look inside their mouths, up their nostrils and in their ears.  This goes for both mom AND dad.  A clean bill of health from one, if not both, parents is ideal. Any orphanage that knows what it's doing has had their parents tested for genetic problems like sickle cell, color blindness or male-pattern baldness. Don't get your hopes up on the first baby you want. If these tests on the parents and child haven't been done, move on. The right baby is still out there.

Once you've either moved onto the next kid or luckily picked one out of the first litter, it's important to observe your potential new family member with the other children. You want a child that is social with others but is interested in you too. Definitely skip the one cowering in the corner. You're adopting a baby, you are going to be a hero even if you get the best one. Why torture yourself by getting one that is going to be even more work?  The last thing you need is some freak loner asshole baby that doesn't even share your own freak loner asshole genes.  It's absolutely necessary to take a look at several children. Check their eyes and teeth***. You don't want to see any discharge coming from their eyes and straight, healthy teeth are a must. Why set your self up to have to pay for braces? Its also important to test them for lameness. Put them on a kid leash and jog about 50 feet, turn around and jog back.  Notice the baby's gait.   It is helpful to bring an assistant when considering bringing a new child into your life. This will allow you to watch when they jog your potential child.  Also, if at all possible, set up a small obstacle courst of legos or other infant-safe toys to test the baby's jumping ability.  Children are absolutely show ponies.  Imagine the honor your adopted kid could bring your family if they made an appearance on "Toddlers and Tiaras".

***if you've ever watched a dog show, you understand the importance here


It is also a good idea to discuss with your spouse/same sex companion/lover/self what lies (if any) you are going to tell your new child about their adoption.  Keep in mind the racial makeup.  If you want an Asian baby as a white lady, be prepared to twist up a tale of a tryst in Japan with a model. (It always helps to bring in the idea of models.)  Or, you can tell them the truth later in life and risk them hating you then, inversely you can tell them as soon as they can comprehend shit.  As non-parents and non-adopters, we're not quite sure when this is, but are confident you'll figure it out. Our best guess is when the kid starts saying "No!" to everything.

With these few simple steps, the chances of you regretting this decision are significantly decreased. However, you probably will anyway. Just know though, if you follow these rules, you won't hate your life as much.Finally, consider what you want in a baby. When you have your own biological children, you can't pick out what hobbies they will be good at or even like. Take advantage of this unique opportunity. Do you want your child to do gymnastics? Pick a little one with broad shoulders.  Dreams of cheering on your son in the Olympics/any sport?  Go black.  It is a fact that white men can't jump.  It's also helpful to bring a clicker, generally used for animal training purposes, to test the children's willingness to learn.