How To: Make the Most of Your Hangover

We've all done it: survived the worst hangover known to mankind. We've all probably even done it more than one, or twice, or twenty times. Its never fun, but--as you probably already know--we are all about efficiency here. Sure, it's easy to wallow around in self pity and tell ourselves lies about how we are never going to drink again, but trust us, there are far better ways that you can handle your hangover. Just like any situation in life, its important to make the most of this experience. Don't forget that we absolutely believe its important to listen to your body and not binge drink to excess but sometimes things happen and some of us get hungover no matter how "responsibly" we drank the night (or afternoon, or morning) before.



It's absolutely vital that you DO NOT whine about your hangover. Buck up. You made the decision to drink, so, more or less, you made the decision to be hungover. Put on your sunglasses and figure out what you need to make it better. Weed can cure even the most violent of headaches. If you have found a good friend that's an idiot just like you (like the authors have found in one another) they are usually more than willing to help you out on tragic days like these. This is most likely because they know that they will also need your help some day, and that day is probably not that far out. Use this opportunity to get a few things you've been meaning to pick up. When your friend/boyfriend/mom heads out to the grocery store to pick you up some advil or gatorade, throw a few other things onto the list. "You know what really helps my hangovers? Windows with a streak-free shine! Can you pick me up some Windex?" They might not believe it but chances are, they'll know that they can use this against you later so, just run with it.

You also have a beautiful excuse to eat anything you want today. Screw your diet. You most likely burned all those calories already acting like a maniac out on the town (or in your own living room, whatever) so go ahead and get that greasy cheeseburger and french fries. No one will judge you for being a fat ass, they'll admire you for fighting through this killer hangover. Going to work? Make sure to dramatically act out how sick you are. It's important for your work superiors/coworkers to feel sorry for you, believing that you've got food poisoning or whatever lie you've chosen to feed them. Use this opportunity to lean on the counter all day, not do shit, hide in the supply closet, and still get paid. Have a social obligation? Don't cancel. Go out, tell valiant tales of the amazing night you had, and make everyone feel like you are a hero, back from the war that is your relationship with Jose Cuervo. You are a champion of the social arts, and don't you forget it. People train for years to drink at this level--most people choose to call this "college."

On a serious note, pedialyte, two advil migraine and carbs carbs carbs are a classic fix.

So again, even though hangovers are as preventable as teen pregnancy, shit happens. While you can't get a hit MTV show about your bad decisions, you can maybe get some free shit from WalMart and eat like crazy.

Stay tuned for more evidence against tequila!

Bible Translations for Jesus' Children: Nightclubs and Bouncers

Getting into clubs can be a bitch...



Jesus answered, "I am the way the truth and the life." No one comes to the Father except through me - John 14:6

Jesus answered, - Jesús the bouncer said
“I am the way and the truth and the life.- I'm on a power trip
No one comes - only bribes will get you in
to the Father - to this mediocre club with a shitty D.J.
except through me. - or you can sleep with me.

Previous Bible Translations for Jesus' Children
3/18/2011 - Homelessness and Inheritance
3/17/2011 - Kanye West and Winos
3/16/2011 - Drug Dealers
3/15/2011 - The Police

How to: Have a Bitchin' Spring Break

It's that time of year again: Spring Break. We LOVE spring break. And no, we're not students. Why? Because fuck that. We're not the collegiate type and we definitely wouldn't do well in a fraternity or sorority situation, at least one of us knows that for sure. Spring break is an international holiday celebrated 'round the world (much like the 4th of July, Martin Luther King Jr. Day and Hannukah), regardless of your educational status. Knowing how to have fun in any circumstance, regardless of the situation, is a learned skill. Never been told you're the "life of the party"? Sucks for you. We hear that any time we make a public appearance. Much like our hit scavenger game, how to be a hit at family gatherings , we believe that Spring Break should be a joyous, playful event for everyone.


Behind the bar at Senor Frogs in Cozumel, Mexico. Note: Lauren is 15.


Much like food and water, we believe that EVERYONE deserves Spring Break (even those kids in the Christian "buy a child with 28 cents" infomercials.)

Before the playbook for your/our/everyone's perfect spring break, remember to be smart because dying on Spring Break (especially from alcohol poisoning or at the hands of a stranger) deducts every point you've earned and then some. If only takes you 3 beers to get drunk, buying more beers is a waste of money and will lengthen your recovery time. Don't take it from the booze companies, take it from us, PLEASE drink responsibily.

POSITIVES
+2 point each - Every photo taken of you when you dont look like shit (because, remember, you're supposed to be drunk the entire time)
+7 points - Have a one night stand with a frat boy/sorority girl (+10 if they're the same sex as you, everyone needs an embarassing gay story from spring break.)
+10 points - Each new sexual experience (never gone black/gay/been gang banged? here's your chance. blame it on this article when your friends find out. we dont give a fuck)
+5 points - Sleep on something that ISN'T a bed (bushes, sidewalks, patios, the beach, a stranger's floor, etc.)
+4 points - Make friends with a bartender (take this a run with it. Lauren got matching tattoos in Juarez with a bartender)
+5 - Taking shots before noon (+4 more if you are still taking shots at midnight [Expected])
+3 - Curing your hangover with a bloody mary (Remember though, the goal is to not ever GET hungover. In other words, dont give your body a chance to sober up. If you ARE hungover, do NOT draw attention to it. Put on your sunglasses and shut the fuck up. )
+3 - Curing your hangover with weed (+3 more if you are in a foreign country.)
+5 - Having a random stranger buy you a bottle (-2 if the bottle is made of plastic.)
+4 - Having a random stranger find you recreational drugs (+ 3 points if they're a local)
+8 - Having a conversation with someone despite the fact that neither one of you speaks the same language (Master the art of hand signals; "Give me," "Fuck you" and "Hand job.")
+6 - Getting lost from your friends, having a great solo adventure and reuniting with your friends the same night (+1 if you don't remember the adventure.)
+2 - Dancing on a bar during the day (Doing this during daylight hours will make people wish they were you, i.e. they wish they had the commiment to drink this much so early/have that much fun.)
+9 - Interacting with the police without getting arrested (If you get them to party with you, you've automatically won.)
+2 - Cheating and not getting caught (This is includes not getting caught by your conscious.)
+1 - Being involved in body shots (Obviously, only with someone as hot or hotter than you.)
+3 - Considering the orange wedge/olive/umbrella in your drink to be a meal (Fruits, vegetables, fiber.)
+2 - Having someone remember your name that you don't even recgonize (Note: it is irrelevant if they have a good opinion of you are not.)
+6 - Hooking up with someone whose age is completely inappropriate to you. (either a cougar if you're 18, or a college freshman if you're old. Remember kids: Check IDs.)
+2- Using a stranger/acquaintance for their booze/drugs (This is, also, generally expected.)

NEGATIVES
-8 - Saying you can't go out cause you are too hungover from last night. (If you don't generally party at this level, you should have been training. If you decided at the last minute to do spring break, buck up.)
-5 - Not having your body "spring break" ready. (This is more your opinion than anything. Remember, everyone is drunk, it hardly matters. Unless you are showing skin during the day, in which case, god didn't give us sarapes and t-shirts for nothing.)
-6 - Getting drunk and lost from your friends, having a great solo adventure and reuniting with your friends the next day (-1 if you don't remember the adventure.)
-2 - Dancing on a bar at night (Remember, thanks to us, people have been doing that for hours. Think of something more original to do with your liquid courage.)
-7 - Hooking up with someone ugly (Beer googles are never an excuse.)
-5 - Throwing up in public (only if someone notices. If you can do this steathily, no positive/negative points, just good for you.)
-4 - Dancing with someone gross (Anyone wearing an Ed Hardy shirt or anyone that's not wearing a shirt and would look better in an Ed Hardy shirt. i.e. Guidos, fatties and general losers)
-7 - Going to a hospital, for any reason (No excuses. -10 for needing to go to a hospital and not going.)
-3 - Cheating and getting caught (You can always blame it on the alcohol but, if you're going to be a skank, be a sneaky skank.)
-10 - Getting arrested and charged (By all means, do illegal things but just don't get caught.)
-2 - Eating three square meals in a day (Now is not the time to ruin your hot bod. Also, who needs that much food to potentially throw up?)
-5 - Losing your wallet/ID/camera/personal items (dignity is assumed to already be lost.)
-3 - Getting a sunburn (you should have been hitting the tanning bed, you knew this was coming.)
-1 - Using sunscreen (+4 if the person applying it is hot.)
-1 - Falling down in public (this is when it comes in handy to have a hot stranger, literally, on your arm.)
-10 - Committing statutory rape and being caught (but really, don't even do it in the first place. There's definitely enough hot people in the legal age bracket. [18-80])
-3 - Being used by a stranger/acquaintance for your booze/drugs (Now is not the time to show off how much money you have.)
-6 - Getting in a fight (friends, strangers, acquaintances/whoever. Chances are the fight is stupid. Make love, not war or... whatever.)
-2 - Reading anything besides bottle labels and drink menus (No books, food menus, magazines, travel, guides, maps, etc.)
-2 - Every photo taken of you where you look like total ass (Remember, people are out IN FORCE with cameras trying to make you look bad even though you're really making yourself look bad... also you can blame it on the alcohol.)

Ready, Set, Go!

(We'll have more shit for you to read when you stagger back to your computer.)

How To: Have the Perfect One Night Stand

Note: Once you've mastered this, you might want to give The Train Olympwrecks event, "The Morning After," a try.

Ah, the One Night Stand. The ONS. That one-time-only hot* tryst with a hot** stranger. Deep down, everyone wants to have a one night stand-- just (at least) one, just to try it, much like weed. Also, like weed, there is a high likelihood that you'll love it and keep coming back for more, BUT only if you get the good shit right up front. That's where we come in. Assuming everyone really does want the ONS, everyone also really does want to not feel like a huge slut when they wake up in the morning. One night stands are a great way to get exercise, raise your self-esteem and feel like a real, functioning member of American society, which, like it or not, now includes shit like "Jersey Shore." Aside from all that, a ONS is the perfect platform for you to get acrobatically dirrty.

*drunk
**drunk

As veterans of the ONS, one might say we've earned our Purple Hearts on the front lines. Here are the quintessential basics for a perfect, non-messy, un-sloppy One Night Stand.

First and foremost, you MUST meet this person randomly, out on the town; read: NOT at a party! The potential web of friendship at parties should be seen as a huge ONS cockblock***. Clearly, there is absolutely NO WAY you and your target can be introduced. How are you going to feel when your sweet friend Mary (like the virgin) asks where you and Tim went last night? Not cool. The best One Night Stands (the only kind if you ask us) are with complete strangers. Upon meeting your target ass (preferably at a public place where copious amounts of alcohol are being consumed) see if you can swiftly, stealthily look them up on your smartphone**** piece-of-shit Facebook app. You want NO MORE THAN two, totally random mutual friends. (Obviously, DO NOT add them. That would be an extremely amateur mistake.) Adversely, you can go the route of just not ever bothering to learn their name. (If you've got any sort of imagination, you should be able to come up with more creative things to yell out in bed. This is a fun way to incorporate your one-time-lover's race or ethnicity!)

***if you're looking for a "Fuck Buddy" (someone you do more than once) parties are totally acceptable. Just know that all your mutual friends are going to know every detail of your sex.
****if you're not a peasant

The second and final step is to make sure that the attraction is purely physical. We're talking, down-home, animalistic, National Geographic attraction*****. How in god's name are you going to feel after knowing your latest bedpost notch belongs to someone with the body of a god? Pretty goddamn good. Models, actors, athletes and trust fund babies (please don't literally fuck any babies) are just a few of the general ideal demographics. Moreover, the hotter the body, hopefully the lower the IQ. Like freshman girls getting "drunk" off non-alcoholic margarita mix, you may have to trick yourself into not wanting to date this person. It's hard to not want to go back for seconds if you are attracted to the body AND mind. What we're saying here is, hopefully your target is an idiot. Don't be afraid of aiming too high (too hot) though. Alcohol works wonders! (Especially in towns like Los Angeles where one witty comment is enough to make someone unzip their pants because brains are so hard to come by.) Buying your target a few tequila shots is as good as strapping the beer goggles on their pretty little face yourself.

*****sorry to bring the image of saggy amazonian tits into your mind.

The formula is simple...

RANDOM STRANGER + HOT LOOKS = YOUR PERFECT ONE NIGHT STAND

Who said you'd never use math in the real world?

It works everytime! Now you can revisit this simple equation again and again, without seeming like a slut! See the beauty of it now? If no one knows about it, it's like it never happened. (Condoms help. Seriously.)

It's simple. It's easy. It's attainable. (It suddenly makes more sense why both of us got the "Inspirational" result on a personality test.)

Now, go get 'em, tigers!