How To: Have The Worst Night Ever

We've all had that night: your friends all turn into assholes, your lose something* and you drink entirely too much. God has granted us the serenity to know that we cannot change this, so accept it. Shitty nights happen, and they will continue to happen. Instead of fighting it, we here at Logic prefer remain one step ahead of fate. Why not take control of the situation and plan your worst night ever? What better than to turn it into a challenge** or a game***?

*wallet, phone, virginity, dignity, etc.
**for all the other competetive assholes like ourselves.
***for the other perpetual children who won't do anything unless it's for fun.

 HOW TO HAVE THE WORST NIGHT EVER: A Scavenger Game
Our Logic scavenger games are a lot like life. The goal is to win (and, of course, cheating is always acceptable if you get away with it)

A night full of bad decisions starts with just one. In this case, it's the people you surround yourself with. If you hang out with....

+1 Drunk crying girl.
+1 Repressed homosexual who wants to fight.
+1 An ex that you still have feelings for/that still has feeling for you.*
-1 Designated driver.
-1 A caring, supportive friend.
-1 Anyone you actually like.

*These points do not count if you both still have feelings for each other. You guys are both sluts.

At this point it's time to starting drinking but all alcohol is not created equally.

+1 Whiskey and/or Tequila
+1 Four Loko
+1 Every time to you switch to a different alcohol
-1 Each glass of water*
-1 Anything that does not cause you to blackout before midnight.
-1 Every drink you have if the total at the end of the night is less than 7**.

 *This includes before you went out. The goal here is to be dehydrated as fuck. Preferably, all you've eaten all day is a red bull and some doritos.
**Because it's wasteful and irresponsible to drink without the intention of forgetting. Trust us, if it's the worst night ever, you're going to want to forget.

Now that you are drunk with a bunch of assholes*, where do you go next?

*You better also be acting like an asshole.

+2 Just go. Anywhere. Who cares or knows where. These points are not applicable if you know where you are going.
+1 Going to a packed place where you know no one and have no way of getting home
+1 An after hours party with less than 3 people. (Example: 3 sketchy Russians in hoodies you met on Hollywood Blvd with a bottle of gin.)
+1 Going home with someone disgusting looking. (+2 if you have good sex.)
-1 Going home.
-1 Going to an awesome party.
-1 Going home with someone incredible looking. (-2 if you have good sex.)

 It is impossible for you night to be as bad as it can be without a little recreational drug use.

+1 Acid. (+2 if you've never tried it)
+1 Every line of coke you do after the sun comes up. (If you use NyQuil to fall asleep as a result, these points are no longer valid.)
+1 Any combination of drugs that cost you more than 50% of your current checking account balance. (+2 for overdrafting your account to buy drugs)
-1 Every drug that's there that you don't do. (-2 if the drugs are directly offered to you. -3 if they're free.)
-1 Taking a tylenol before going to sleep.
-1 For having a really great high.

All good things must come to end and now it is time to go home. This is a perfect opportunity to go home with a stranger because you are too lazy to try to figure out home to get home.

+1 Walking (+2 for walking barefoot.)
+1 Taking the bus. (+2 if you have ask for money to take the bus.)
+1 Attempting to drive home drunk and getting a DUI. (-2 if you don't get caught. +2 for getting caught driving drunk because you crashed into something. +1 for each one thousand dollars worth of property damage you cause.)
-1 Taking a cab*. 
-1 Getting home before 3 am.
-1 Getting home at all.

*Note: Cab rides can easily turn into positive points. +1 for taking a cab but not having enough money or losing your phone, wallet, or keys. +1 for everything you leave in the cab. +2 if you left behind personal belongings after not paying for the cab ride.

And, finally, no horrible night is complete without a horrible morning after.
+2 Only throwing up bile.
+1 Waking up to realize you've wet the bed. (+2 If you're not sleeping alone.)
+1 Waking up with a new tattoo.
-1 Throwing up.
-1 Being hungover to the point that you stay in bed until 5.
-1 Being afraid to check your bank account balance.

You've finally reached your goal. Blood, tears, drinks and drugs have been spilled. You might even have a new a STD (+1). Now you that you've gotten that out of the way, you can rest assured that you will never have a night as bad this one (and start looking to the future, to your upcoming court date.) You just had the worst night ever. Congratulations.

How to: Act Slutty Without Putting Out

Let's take a trip down memory lane here. What did you dream of being, as a little girl? (Guys, what kind of lady did you dream of as a young boy?) Both of your authors dreamed of being little princesses, growing up. Are we glad we're not actually princesses? Absolutely. That'd be a royal pain in the ass. We can't even handle the people we choose to be with, let alone "just deal with" a political marriage. However, we can see some fantastic examples of how we can still stay true to our childhood dreams in the end times. Like christians to the bible, we're talking real shit. Fairy tale shit.

Princess Jasmine let Jafar keep her in a glass cage and wore a little ensemble any stripper's be lucky to obtain (steal). She was at his beck and call, looking like a hooker, acting like a hooker, but somehow delivering no ass. That's the stuff that dreams are made of. All three of the chipettes--Brittany, Jeannette and Eleanor-- (modern-day princesses) in The Chipmunk Adventure seduced a baby middle-eastern Prince* and allowed themselves to stay in his harem (brothel) and STILL did not put out. Snow White shacked up with like 8 dudes**. You're damn right that'd get the village talking. Let them talk. Bullshit gossip just makes it THAT much more hilarious when the boys found out the hard way--possibly literally-- that you're not actually a slut. Jokes on who? Not you. She even did wifey shit like stay home while they whistled while they worked and made pies and cooked and shit. Did she do any of them? Absolutely not.

*age aside, this part is probably true. Along with 72 virgins in heaven, you also get three hot chimpunks.

**midget porn, anyone?

These ladies were more than just pointless cock teases. These girls also fucked with the true apples*** of their eyes. Before she ever shacked up with Jafar, Jasmine was sneaking out, dressing cheap and committing petty crimes with Aladdin. She also let him take her on long, amazing, magical carpet rides, hooking him before she went behind his back with Jafar. Those damn chipettes were running wild all over the world smuggling diamonds for shady men they hardly knew, dangling their hot young ass in front of the chipmunk brothers, Alvin, Simon AND Theodore (who never got his couscous!) The whole ordeal even started because the girls acted bitchy and challenged the boys to a ridiculous, life threatening pussy chase across the globe. While Snow White did have the advantage of finding her Prince Charming just kind of out-of-the-blue (we all know those asshole couples), in her scenario it's more beneficial to be seen as the bitch-- or, for the sake of theme, witch. Instead of an apple, take blowjobs. There's a perfect way to lure any man back to your place for an old-school trade, back-rub for blowjob. Then you're asleep and he's outta luck. DId you lie? Yes, but only because who cares? Feel free to tell a blatant lie. Like the friend who tells you your fat ass doesn't look fat in those jeans just for the sake of time, be the girl who technically invites a guy home just because she needs a ride. Thanks for the walk to the door, now's your cue to break a heart-- or at least give someone blue balls. Lauren wishes she had a poison apple, that'd be just as convenient. Also, what seems like a no-brainer: don't seriously take any strangers home. That's what cabs are for.
***thanks for kind of ruining this word for everyone, Gwyneth.

The point is, all of these stories have a happy endng. The girls, who were smart enough to act like bitchy little princesses all along**** ended up with their fucking Prince Charmings, no matter how much "acting as if" it took. The more you like someone without before any physical contact goes down, the more surprisingly hot that lack thereof can be. Clearly, the key here is to be all talk and no action. Hell, leave 'em wondering whether or not they're Jafar or Aladdin in your scenario, since neither one of them's seem any real play.

****Gay guys, anyone?

And if you think this article is going to keep us from getting laid... who said we were in the first place? ;)

Here's the simple equation. (Thank you, New Mexico Public School system for teaching us how to keep it simple!)

TALKING SLUTTY - ACTING SLUTTY = IDEAL

For those of you who aren't this advanced, see "The Train Olypwrecks"

Don't even get us started on Gaston....*****

*****No one drinks like Gaston? We bet no one fucks like Gaston