Monday, March 14, 2011

How to be a Fantastic Employee

(another repost from The Daily Smut. This one is timeless.)

Day before yesterday I celebrated* my 1-year anniversary working for this company— and yes, I am absolutely counting the 3+ months I was off after I quit.  This milestone, having nothing to do with my career or anything I happen to give a flying fuck about in this life, got me thinking, and, as I so often do, I came to an abrupt conclusion: I am a fucking fantastic employee.

 *Celebrated in the way that you celebrate the anniversary of your lover’s tragic death 

The Daily Smut is clearly about making life better.  What information could possibly be more helpful in leading a happy, fulfilling existence than strict guidelines insuring one’s employment?  This guide to being a fantastic employee is essentially a more useful version of The Secret’s chapter on Abundance and Wealth. So, let’s take it from the top.When starting a new job (or checking yourself before you’re wrecking yourself with your current gig), the following are a few talents you want to have mastered right out of the gate. 

As a fantastic employee, you should be able to:
1. Appropriately gage everyone’s Give-A-Fuck (GAF) Level.  GAF level gaging is the single most important skill one should hope to master in this lifetime. If you can accurately gage someone’s Give-A-Fuck Level, you’ll be able to exceed in every aspect of your relationship with the person.  For example, if you read your new co-workers GAF level as Very Low or Nonexistent (which is ideal), you will be able to not only make a new friend but take 45-minute 10-minute breaks while said coworker covers for you and, clearly, you’ll return the favor.  This also goes both ways, however.  If you judge a customer’s GAF level as Low and proceed to treat them as such (i.e. keeping it real, cursing, admitting that you have no idea how much that item is supposed to cost) when in reality their GAF level is High, you may have fucked yourself.  Never underestimate the destructive power of someone who Gives a Fuck.  This customer may report you to their friend, The Owner; they may call and file a formal complaint; they may make an offhand comment  to your manager about your horrendous customer service.  YOU MUST LEARN THIS SKILL.  Practice makes perfect.

2. Accurately (if not slightly under-) Expressing Your OWN Give-A-Fuck (GAF) Level There are many effective ways to communicate your personal GAF level.  Now, ideally, your GAF level at work is non-existent (if not very, very low).  One of my favorite ways to express how much of a fuck I absolutely don’t give is with my CLOTHES.  You should aim for your outfit to say “while I’m technically in workplace-appropriate attire, I’m just showing up.”  This ranges from workplace to workplace. 

Scenario #1 When working at a “hip” “cool” retail store that asks you to look “fashionable and casual,” obviously your target outfit would absolutely butcher and rape the term “casual chic”; think spandex leggings, ballet flats, a tank top and a scarf if female; aim for as much flannel and jersey material as possible if you’re male.  The main goal in this setting is to come as close to straight-up wearing pajamas as humanly possible without actually rocking sweatpants.  It should also go without saying that in this scenario, you are absolutely not allowed to comb or brush your hair. (Teasing your hair is totally acceptable)

Scenario #2 When working at “upscale” “classy” retail or office locations, you are STILL communicating the same GAF level as in Scenario #1, but in this instance you must do it with a little more finesse (and possibly a dash of prescription pills).  If your company has requested that you look “elegant” or wear “business attire” to work, your assignment is this: Push the envelope whereever possible.  Wearing a classy dress, stockings and heels? I hope that dress is just a little too short.  Blazer and dress slacks?  There best be some mufukn cleavage happening.  Wearing pressed linen pants and a cashmere sweater? Fuck it— go flip-flops.  Flawless ensemble?  Throw on a necklace that’s obviously missing a jewel.  Men: un-tuck your shirttails whenever possible; tie your tie a little fucked-up; make sure your shirt is kinda tastelessly wrinkled.

Scenario #3 When working in a uniformed environment— from Burger King to The Army to The Chippendales— the ridiculous nature of your uniform will more than redeem itself when you realize how easy it is to make it clear that you don’t Give-A-Fuck with your outfit.  Even the slightest “error” will make your shitty costume stick out like a sore thumb from the rest of your troupe.  Nametag? Pin it on crooked (or not at all).  Belt Required? Wear black instead of the mandated brown.  Navy Blue Shirt?  Robin’s Egg Blue Shirt.  Shined Shoes? Or not.  Hat?  To da back. 
Aside from your clothes, other popular ways to express how much of a fuck you don’t give include not editing your eye-rolls, always chewing gum/eating, refusal to take off your sunglasses inside, and remember: reeking of booze and/or marijuana is always a nice touch. 

Once you’re assesed and expressed Compay GAF levels, you should be in pretty good standing at work.  

Assuming you’ve mastered the art of GAF Gaging, you’ll want to: 

Know Your Surroundings. 
-You must be aware of a few things: Are there cameras? If so, you’ll have to use your intuition to develop a texting-method that will go unnoticed by any asshole monitoring you.  If you have internet available, you should know, without a doubt, whether your history is closely monitored, if you can simply delete your history, or if you’ve just got total free reign to facebook chat and jerk off to amateur porn.  If you work on the phone, are your calls monitored?  If you have products in the workplace, know what’s up with inventory.  Is inventory spot on? Is inventory a shitstorm?  If it’s the latter combined with the lack of security cameras, take shit.  Basically it’s in your best interest to know just how tight of a ship your bosses are really running.

-Know your body and know what you need to stay healthy.  Is there a Starbucks or Coffee Bean closeby?  If not, how the fuck are you going to get your caffene?  You may want too consider bringing cocaine or other miscellaneous uppers with you.  If you smoke weed, do you have an alley to blaze in?  Or are you forced to find a coworker with a low GAF level to smoke in their car?  Or are you in Hollywood where you can just light up on the sidewalk?  Things you should be aware of  (if not know off-hand): Closest drug dealer to your work location, closest booty call to your work location, closest place you can go to just fuck away some time while still on-the-clock. 

SET THE BAR LOW.When considering a job (NOT a career), it pretty much goes without saying that it is, without a doubt, in your best interest to set the bar as low as possible from day one.—Rarely Be “On Time.” When starting at a new job, it is essential that right off the bat you establish that being “on-time” is not going to be something you make a habit.  Ideally, your first day on the job comes with some sort of gigantic morning obstacle: for example, my first day with this company (exactly a year and a day ago, ugh) began with me going outside to my Jeep to find the passenger window smashed, my ipod stolen and shattered glass chards all over the fucking place.  By the time I showed up for my new job — fashionable late — everyone was far too preoccupied with my horrific story to notice I was late on any level but their subconscious.


—Never Raise the Bar.  I want to be rewarded on the off-chance that I actually do something that falls under my job description, not repremanded for not doing it.  The key to this skill is to master the Art of Kissing Ass.  If you can kiss your work superiors’ asses to their liking, you really won’t be expected to do a god damn thing wrong. Say that you care more than you do. If you can talk the talk, they’re not going to waste their time monitoring whether or not you actually walk the walk.  Be all talk and no action.  You have to mesh your zero GAF aura with blatant lies and ass-kissing, creating the illusion to your bosses that you DO, in fact, Give-A-Fuck. 

—Balance Your Efforts.  With all the time spent not doing your job, you should have ample time to make yourself seem like you’re going above-and-beyond.  While doing not your job, try and find some small, easy, effortless task for which no one else is officially responsible and do it.  IMPORTANT: When doing this, you must make a gigantic, huge fucking deal about it to ensure that every single work superior you have notices your [highly strategic] move. 

**Advanced Move**— using your drug & alcohol abuse to your advantage.
When you show up disgustingly, ferociously hungover, instead of using your powers to conceal your physical state, get all up in everyone’s grill about it.  Make a huge deal out of how much of a goof employee you are by showing up.  Examples:”I am so fucking hungover I could die! I feel like death! Yet here I am.”“I ate 4 weed brownies yet here I am.”“I was up untl 7am blown out on cocaine, slept for 2 hours, and yet here I am.”


-Try to get coworkers into as many compromising situiations as possible.  This creates bonds.  Also it
possibly creates blackmail.  Take your coworkers out for a night on the town, blacking out on vodka, snorting your faces off, murdering a hooker, etc.  Extra points if you document on facebook.

-Know how to make simple tasks take all day. You could re-merchandise the whole store in 45 minutes, but then what the fuck are you supposed to to for the remaining 7 hours and 15 minutes?  More work? 

-Make Alliances with coworkers, work superiors, your bosses and even the fucking owner.  If you’re on everybody’s team (which you’re able to do because you don’t Give-A-Fuck about anything work related — drama included) then you’re never the target.  If there are security guards or Mexicans who do manual labor, you definitely want to be homies with them (security camera leniency + on-the-clock Tecates)

-If you can’t Not Give-A-Fuck, learn to disguise and repress your emotions. See “Passive Aggression” below.

-Locate the Enemies & Work Drama.  Infiltrate them in anyway possible.  Learn their deepest darkest secrets either from them or from someone who hates them.  Store these secrets, you may one day need to use they as ammo.

-Learn to lie well.

-Passive Aggression is key to all successful employees. Learn to take out your rage or disdain for people passively.  Is that cunt at work off as soon as you show up? Be late, obviously.  Don’t work on commission? Try selling NOTHING.  All day.

-Never assume people are going to notice your hard work.  Not that you should work hard regularly, but if you ever do (probably by accident) make sure EVERYONE knows.

-Keep your eyes open for opportunities.  Holiday potluck?  Here’s your chance to be an hour late because you had to bring chips.  If you really want to be the hero, try calling (preferably around the time you’d be 55 minutes late) and offer to bring forks and plates or whatever the fuck these other assholes forgot.  Manager on vacation?  Your workday just got shorter.  Christmas Sale?  Drunk on the sales floor. Have a dressing room?  Someone’s taking naps all day.  The world is your oyster. 


Regardless of the propaganda your employers may have been feeding you, the actual goal of “Customer Service” is to leave the customer with zero expecations for you and/or the company while simultaneously leaving them feeling like you bent-over backwards for them.  NOTE: Customer service policies differ greatly between Retail/Food Service jobs and Phone Service jobs.


You want your customer to have a general comprehension of how low your Give-A-Fuck level is immediately.  Let’s use me and my phenominal customer service skills as real life examples:Classy The Waitress: “Look, guys, the service industry is not my forte, so if I fuck up your order or leave you waiting like 30 minutes from an iced-tea refill…. sorry in advance.”Believe it or not, people ate this shit up! They thought I was kidding! (until they actually had to wait 30 minutes for their iced-tea refill, in which case they still can’t be upset because they were given a clear, fair warning)Classy The CounterGirl (responding to a customer’s inquiry as to whether they could touch something): “See that threshhold?” (points to door) “Once I pass through those doors, I’ve designated this room as a No-Give-A-Fuck Zone… so sure, touch whatever you want. I don’t give a fuck.”

Call Center: Obviously the aformentioned methods would not work so well in this industry— in retail you can be as bitchy as you want because those nasty comments never have to be heard again.  (Boss “alright Classy, let’s review that phone call……….”).  On the phone, your customer service goal is still to leave the customer confused as to whether or not they’re actually satisfied, but you must challenge yourself to do it in a creative, passive aggressive way, which can be very fun for you!

A few pointers for call-center soldiers (from Sire Fierce):
-Be so nice that you’re bitchy.
-Always be one step ahead of your customer’s intelligence level.  This ensures that you’ll get all the satisfaction of speaking your snarky, sarcastic comments… but they will essentially fall on deaf ears.
-In the off-chance you misdiagnosed how stupid your customer is and they actually notice and comment on the fact that you’re being a little cunty, immediately retreat (“Sir, oh my goodness, no, that was absolutely not what I meant by that, I would never, EVER imply such a thing…”) and leave them feeling like they were actually the one being an asshole.
-When you get a call from a customer who is being an idiot, point out the obvious slowly and tediously, patronizing them whenever possible.
-Put a mild disclaimer in front of everything you do.  For example: “If I troubleshoot this it should fix everything… but it might fuck shit up.  Do you want me to go through with this?” Of course they do.  That way, if shit gets fucked up, it’s not your fault.  “Ma’am I said that shit could get fucked up and you asked me to go through with it, ma’am.”
-If you fuck up, NEVER admit it.
 **Please Note** If the customer is always right, then how come you are the one who’s had training?  The customer is rarely right.


-Do your best (without trying) to accurately gage the GAF level.
-Over-use the term “Sir” or “Ma’am” whenever possible.-If on the phone while a customer enters, do NOT acknowledge them.
-Make sure customers are made to feel painfully awkward when approaching you.
-If you’re doing something for a customer that’s totally within your job description, make a big deal about it and make them feel like you’ve gone totally out of your way for them, exhausting your will to live. 

Armed with the knowledge of these fool-proof tips, you should now be well on your way to being a fucking fantastic employee. 

 That said, I hope this article pops up every single time I’m googled by a potential employer (for the rest of time).

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