A Procrastination Free 2011

Our New Years Resolution is to stop procrastinating. Obviously, it took us an hour of buying plane tickets, packing bowls, requesting days off work and making coffee before this article was even started.  We're about positivity and believing in yourself, so we like to do our best to set ourselves up for success. "New Years Resolution?!" you protest? "Shouldn't they have posted this article in early January if not late December?"  No.  January is a month riddled with failure, self-hatred and regret-- and that's all before your NYE hangover's gone.  By February 1st, pretty much everyone that's going to fuck up their resolutions has already done so. Now the air is clear to really get down to business and work on self improvement.

 On that note, this article is more about getting things done than New Year's resolutions.  It is absolutely best to love yourself as you are, but sometimes, there are just a few old habits that have run their course.  We have shit to do, we love getting shit done, we totally give a shit, but, sometimes, we all run into some bullshit.
Everyone, at one point, has been doing bullshit they don't want to be doing and thinking to themselves, "if only I had done this when I should have." We are all about enjoying our lives so we want to help, not only ourselves, but our four readers as well. You might think this is an impossible mountain to climb-- you can't even remember how many times you've resolved to stop putting things off. Rest assured, though, you've never done it our way. We've been changing lives for a while now, this blog is just the latest step of many on our path to changing the world and helping others*.

*Being fame whores

The first and most important step is to realize, you don't have to change your whole life to break one little bad habit. Just stay positive.  Certainly, AA tells you to never drink again and Jillian Michaels says to stick to your diet and ditch the junk-food. What do they know, though? Obviously they've never heard a pretty popular little saying, "Practice makes perfect." Fall off the wagon?  Don't beat yourself up. Now, at least you remember how to get back on. Fall off it 100 times and you'll be so pro you'll have time to stop for a cocktail before leaping back on that wagon without a second thought. In other words, plan to fail AND succeed.** More so, don't be afraid to intentionally fuck up your own plans for self improvement and write it off as a "learning experience". Besides, we love you just the way you are.

**It's also sometimes a nice touch to play off the whole "universe" thing and remember that what will be will be.  This is also a handy way to relieve yourself of having to use any effort.

Most of the things we put off are things we have absolutely no desire to do; not in the sense even of a high school english paper (because technically I had a desire to get a good grades to graduate to get out my hometown) which I would put off until literally the morning it was due.... No, we're talking adult shit.  "I don't give a fuck" shit.  Are there consequences for, instead of procrastinating, acting? It's all a matter of perspective, an idea likely to become a recurring theme here. (Please note that we say "likely" because, while we like this now, there is telling no what our ADD/marijuana smoking will do to the paragraphs below.)   We're very zen so it's rare to find us riding ourselves for not having done something, but wherever there's authority found in life (the workplace, courthouses, wherever the fuckin police are, schools, church***, etc) it's handy to know how to get out of having not done your shit.

***extreme eye-roll

This has nothing to do with not procrastinating anymore and has everything to do with just doing something else. Sometimes, you can even get away with just saying something else.

Examples: Did I not get my shit done because:

I chose to go out and get drunk? Old me did, but not anymore.
Instead: I had an obligatory social gathering that had been planned for quite some time****.

**** 15 minutes (perspective)

You may notice that those are the exact same things, but the only reason you did is because it was laid out for you like that. Trust me, no one is going to question that excuse.

Maybe you don't want to go meet a potential client because you want to go blow your pay check on drugs. You go ahead and do that. You are now stimulating the local economy by supporting local business owners. Maybe you just want to do absolutely nothing. By all means, do it, but if your mom wants to meet you for lunch, you're doing your part for the unemployment rate by not going out and making people want to quit their jobs as a result of having to deal with you. Now, I don't know about you but in 2010, I was late to work a lot.  Not anymore; in 2011, I'm fighting global warming by waiting till someone drives me to work that was already headed in that direction. If anyone questions this one, make a bitchy comment about how you always thought polar bears were going to be your future grandson's favorite animal. Last but not least, maybe you want to dick around on the internet reading bullshit like 'Logic, According to Us' instead of going across town to meet with that shady director guy about his shady little script. You are now free to flake without the fret: not a soul is going to judge you for scheduling (after the fact) time to catch up on current events and keep an active interest in your friends' and family members' interests.

These simple, positive spins, excuses and day-to-day rationalizations can be used for any event, anytime, anywhere!

And remember: making up an excuse IS doing something! Pat yourself on the back.

Another essential move is to schedule everything... or pretend everything is scheduled.***** Maybe give someone 5 bucks for their used day planner or fill up the calendar on your phone with complete bullshit (while you should be doing something else, obviously) just to make your case for you if anyone tries to call you on your shit. Inversely, if you find that you've actually accomplished scheduling something and then, at the last moment, don't want to do it, do not fret. There are many ways to get away with flaking without actually flaking. For example, you simply cannot go wrong with fake blood-- I keep some in my glove box at all times. If the other party tells you to "just go home" or "go to the hospital" (same thing), they're technically the ones that cancelled and you are free to put this off indefinitely without seeming like the bad guy. I mean, after all, you were willing to make that happen while you were bleeding.  Obviously this was an extreme example, but the goal is to make them make the move.  You were trying to fulfill obligations; the other party requested that you not.  Also, there are a few sure-fire words that you can throw into the conversation that will make people immediately shut down and excuse you from anything.

Key Words: 
"car accident"
 "virus"
"funeral"
"appointment"
"flat tire"
"court"

 Please be sure to use "court" sparingly, as you don't want people to start assuming you are some kind of criminal (even though you probably are.)

*****Though, never underestimate the power of a good unscheduled emergency (preferably a family one) or a frantic phone call where you lament to the dude you're flaking on that "something came up"

Tip: If you work in a swanky environment, for rich people, in offices or anywhere where management has degrees or dog-walkers, you can always fall back on public transportation.  These people shudder to even think of the bus, let alone hear a whole story from you about how it was late.  Throw out the word "bus" and consider yourself a martyr.  I even talked my way into only getting scheduled at 11am (when the store opens at 9) because I told my boss I take the bus from downtown.  She looked like my head had just spun around.  This is what you want.

Another go-to excuse topic is "The Universe" or, synonymously, "God." Consider the possibility that instead of just having been fucking around, you actually haven't acted because you are simply waiting for a sign from God or The Universe, or for "the timing to be right." What's beautiful about this is that it works with anyone. If you are dealing with someone who believes in signs from God or The Universe, they'll buy it. If you are dealing with someone who doesn't, they'll think you're fucking crazy and not want to even get into it. Worst case scenario: a debate is started and now you've efficiently used your time to stand up for your beliefs. It is considered wildly inappropriate to call someone out on their beliefs anyway so, again, throwing your laziness into the hands of the universe literally always is a safe bet******. Be forewarned though, its also considered wildly inappropriate to exploit other peoples beliefs to get away with being an asshole, so, try to be as honest as possible here.
******sarcastically in this article or in real life
Yet another key building block to the foundation of your new, productive lifestyle is the old adage "kill two birds with one stone." Now that you're actually getting away with not doing shit, or getting away with half-assing the shit you do or being really late, you have a chance to do some real multi-tasking.  Say there's something you need to get done but it requires driving out of your way. With such an inconvenience, its not wrong to wait until you have more then one thing to do in that area. "In that area," can mean whatever you want: maybe within 15 minutes of each other or you can even go as far as to say, in the exact same building. This not only buys you time but also makes you a more efficient person. (Going green, anyone?) I've heard that this is a desirable quality. At your shitty day job? By all means, after being an hour late, go into the parking lot and power-smoke a few bowls with your coworker.  Why not get paid to smoke weed? Laid off? Build your own severance package while practicing your inevitable new job--being a criminal--by looting stuff from work.
Our final step to the new you is to self-congratulate, and do it often. Say you need to go drop off your rent check, which obviously you don't feel like doing. Take a moment to clear your mind, meditate, and let your distraction come to you; there has got to be something else that you "need" to do that suddenly doesn't feel like such an inconvenience. I bet someone you don't totally hate has proposed a Skype date in the future. Now is the time. Skype it up and when you're done, pat yourself on the back for thinking of someone else and probably making their day instead of dropping off your rent check. Seriously, you jeopardized having a roof over your head for the sake of a friend's happiness. You are the kind of friend that everyone wants to have.  Drinking at work?  Good.  I don't know about you but I'm far more likely to be friendly and engage a stranger in conversation while hammered.  (Obviously this wouldn't work for angry drunks, totally would for slutty drunks.)  Congratulations me, for a customer service all-star.  Late to work because you woke up at some guys house?  People who get laid are happier, nicer people who are obviously more productive at work.  I may have been an hour late, but damn it, I'm in a good mood.  Smiles are contagious and I'm doing my part for humanity.  Hell, I may even help an old lady across the street*******.

*******Nothing says "citizenship" like jizz on your t-shirt

The moral of this story is, why change your own way of doing things when you can trick people into thinking about it differently. So go out there and stop procrastinating. Do it today, let us know how it goes. This way, if you fail miserably, we won't have to waste our time trying come February 1st.